WIBU to say 'no devices' to my adult family on Xmas day?

[runlulurun]

My parents, sister and young niece are coming to stay for a few days over Christmas.

What I would like to do is collect all phones when they arrive (including mine and DH's) and then let them have them at designated 'phone times' for says 10 minutes to check messages before putting them away again. But even I can see that may be a tad controlling given that they are aged 40-70

How can I discourage it? Dsis is absolutely glued to her phone at all times and DH and DF aren't much better and I find it incredibly annoying. How do I get them to put their phones/tablets down and get the fuck off facebook/twitter/bbc sport? I think they'd all enjoy themselves more if they were a bit more 'in the moment'

I think my sister already find me somewhat bossy and sanctimonious... is there any way I can do it without my whole family thinking I'm a dick? We already have 'no devices at the table'.

Could i ask them to put their phones away for certain periods? Or ask them to keep their phones in a basket in the kitchen so they can go and check them whenever they want but dont just stare mindlessly at them out of habit?

Am I being a dick? Anyway I can achieve this without pissing everyone off?

Have to say, I started this thread lightheartedly as I know I can't really do it, it's just wishful thinking.

But now feel somewhat depressed at the realisation I'm a fucking nightmare, no-one enjoys Christmas at my house, and my sis is probably live tweeting how awful I am...

Merry Christmas everyone

Though it does explain why she didn't reply to my 'so excited about Christmas, only 4 days to go, can't wait to see you all' message yesterday

Genuine question, people who hate games and joining in, do you appear to hate it when actually doing it?

I really don't like most board/party games. Occasionally, when I decide to push myself out of my comfort zone a bit and actively join in with a particular game, I usually enjoy it. If I join in because a relative has pressured me to the point where I don't feel I have a choice, then I hate it (and usually make an excuse to leave pretty quickly). I hate when people think I can't make up my own mind - if I say no it means that I don't want to, not that I want them to keep asking me!

I completely understand re: phones, though. I don't own one, and there's nothing worse than being in a room where everyone else is looking at a screen and mostly ignoring your attempts at conversation. But YWBU and rude to tell people they can't use theirs. Not everyone's idea of a good Christmas is the same.

I hate phones at the table. Unless yo are on the waiting list for a kidney transplant, I fail to see what is that important.

My kids are getting a new tablet for xmas this year. They will be allowed to play with it before or after dinner. BIL, however, will stil be glued to FB. (but maybe he doesn''t actually like us that much?)

I might do the forfeit thing. 1st to look at their mobile device at the table has to wash up.

Some families would be better off not engaging in too much conversation... :o

I'm clearly a bit old fashioned (at the age of 36) because I think it's bloody rude to go to someone else's house and then spend ages on your phone. Even if you are bored.

If it's a long visit then a quick 10 min check every 2-3 hours or so is ok but any more than that is not on really.

IMO you're supposed to talk to your host/the other guests rather than sit glued to a screen. Otherwise you might as well have stayed at home surely.

If you don't enjoy being a guest and would rather stay at home and look at your phone then man up and say so. Don't accept and then go on the phone because you're bored.

However I also think it would be rude to confiscate phones on arrival!

I think you just need to hope for the best OP, sorry.

mini "If you don't enjoy being a guest and would rather stay at home and look at your phone then man up and say so"

yes, then you are the cause of tears, traumas, "ruined Christmases" - much easier to play along and then get some time on your phone to be bored. I always insist I have to go for a walk (this is true actually, I can't sit on my butt all day).

*to save being bored that should say!

And yes I am totally one of those people who makes my family play games

I think the key word here is 'makes'. I don't mind having a game suggested to me. I don't mind being persuaded to play a game. What I don't like is someone forcing me to do an activity I don't like when I could happily sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else (or just read the paper in the corner) while other people get on with it.

Genuine question, people who hate games and joining in, do you appear to hate it when actually doing it?

To be clear, I don't hate all games; I really like some of them and luckily my family generally have similar taste - mainly we all like quiz games like Pointless or Trivial Pursuit and stuff like Pictionary or 'guessing' games. But I have been badgered into other games like Monopoly which I find incredibly boring. I'll do my best to engage with it to be polite, so I doubt it shows ... but inside I'd much rather be on the sidelines looking through one of my new Christmas books and chipping in with the conversation while everyone else plays.

If you made me play charades or any games that involve actual physical activity, you would almost certainly be able to tell that I was hating it I think! I'd do my best but I just get painfully embarrassed.

By the way, I don't agree with some of the posters saying you're a dick. You honestly sound very nice and you obviously do make an effort to ensure people have a good time! Just remember that everyone's good time is different and try to strike a balance. Suggesting games etc is absolutely fine; just don't approach it like a bossy primary school teacher. :)

much easier to play along and then get some time on your phone to save being bored

Or you could accept, make conversation and just be ok with being a bit bored for a day. Because it's the polite thing to do.

Going for a walk is different from a screen, because other guests can join you if they want to, so it's a sociable thing.

I've only seen that 'all phones in the bag' thing done in hostage situations, OP and that is exactly how it will feel. I'm assuming that's not the ambiance you want?

I think you possibly have a 'sugar plums dancing around in your head' thing going on but that isn't the vision that others will definitely share.

No phones at the dinner table - fine. Only a completely mannerless bore would sit there checking their phone at a family dinner (save for absolute emergencies).

Don't think of putting in your planned stricture OP, you'll have a revolt on your hands.

BUt some hosts are crap though

When we go to dhs parents they just often disappear for ages and we find them doing random things like mowing grass or mil heat curling her hair and letting it set upstairs. So we are left twiddling thumbs on sofa with no hosts to actually talk to.
For example we can arrive, have lunch, all good. Then mil will say just popping to give neighbour some fresh eggs And will disappear for 3 hours, Fil will just disappear to look for something and no idea where 2hrs. And Dh and I and kids are left twiddling thumbs having no idea where they are, when back, if we should go for walk ourselves (no key to door though), and wondering why invited

Just be honest and say you would really like it if people weren't on their phones all day as it makes you feel like what you're doing for them isn't enjoyable. Perhaps ask could they stay off their phones for the meal.

In being honest you may feel a little better... and maybe suggesting a few games or asking people what they might like to do would help too?

I would also switch off the wifi 😈

Dollydaydream I may write this on the back of my hand 'you are not a primary school teacher' for a reminder on the day It's worse since I've had children and I'm at home with then full time. My primary function is to boss them about for their own good, but I must remember the rules are different for adults!

There's a difference between liking your phone and being obsessed with it. People who are addicted to their phones are crap company - they can't talk to you without scrolling at the same time and if their phones are out of their hands for a second they look visibly anxious. I can see why you wouldn't want that on Christmas Day. I think I'd take a picture of their antisocial behaviour and tweet it to them asking if they'd like a chat seeing as it's Christmas!

I once had a row with DP in a restaurant as he was on his phone throughout the starter and not really listening to me - turns out he was Whats Apping his best mate to tell him what a brilliant time we were having. I told him I was in fact having a shit time and if he didn't put his phone away I was leaving!

Enforced family fun shudder there's nothing worse.

mini "Or you could accept, make conversation and just be ok with being a bit bored for a day. Because it's the polite thing to do. "

and there's not enough of that in life!!! I see my family all the time. Being forced to at Xmas when there's no normality to break it up is hard, especially as an introvert with very bad SAD. (Yes I am lugging my light with me). I'm spending a lot of time with family at the moment because mum is very ill so my quiet time (with no people around) is hugely limited as well.

my walk is my time to be alone.

If I didn't have Twitter to make me laugh, it would be so awful. I would also say MN but it seems to be a lot more Xmas obsessed this year than last? My friends are all away at Xmas, it's very hard. I think a lot of people hate Xmas for a lot of reasons, but forced jollity pisses everyone off really.

...but inside I'd much rather be on the sidelines looking through one of my new Christmas books

Now that's interesting. I bet most people who object to phones, tablets etc wouldn't object to someone sticking their nose in to a new book for the majority of the day. Apart from all the MNers who are now going to hoik their bosoms, sniff, and lie say "Actually I am holier than thou and I do object."

PS when my parents are gone I will readdress the whole "I'd like to be alone at Xmas" thing but if my sister and cousin get really upset then I guess I will keep up the charade.

Could be an introvert coping technique? I find it knackering to interact with other people (even family), all day long and love some downtime. Escaping into a room on my own is not an option at Christmas, because of the pressure to be together and in the moment.

Back in my teens, I would unwrap the presents that looked to be books first "thanks Mum and Dad, just what I wanted!" and then curl up on the sofa with it, blocking everyone else around me out.

If I had had a phone/laptop back then, I would have just gone on that.

Isn't Christmas Day now the busiest day for online shopping? There's a reason for that. I don't need anything but I will browse.....

I remember the last time I went to my DH's brother and his wife's and being forced to play countless games of battling tops with their children and then falling asleep in front of a DVD about a magical toy car called Brum.

In the car home I said to my husband: 'I know they're your family but if you ever make me do that again, I'm leaving you.' He said he understood. That was about 15 years ago and he has been as good as his word.

Maybe I will have a chat with my DSis (they come on friday) so time to do so before Christmas itself and just ask her is she really dislikes it when I invite/encourage/harrass her to join in with stuff. Depending in how that conversation goes may or may not bring up phones. For the avoidance of doubt, it's only because I love her and would like her to talk to me and have fun while she's here that I give a shit anyway! But our relationship is very up and down, so perhaps I will just suck it up.

DF is in his 70's now and is not too bad with phones in the day time. By the time the evening comes he's worn out by the noise from the children and being with everyone all day so I understand he really does want to be left alone. As for DH I feel I can ask him to leave his ipad upstairs and please use his phone sparingly without him getting annoyed with me for saying so.

oh thank you limited - the fact that there's no kids or in laws involved in mine does make me feel better.

Also, sorry my brain is scrambled, actually dad will need alone time too because he's so stressed out looking after mum so maybe I will get more time to read, be online etc than usual (mum sleeps a lot, or has to lie down and can't talk much anyway atm)

so thank you for making me remember to count my blessings

Not sure why you take issue with your family having a bit of time out on their phones but you are cool with them taking themselves off to read... What's your logic?

Same as people putting photos on Facebook etc when on holiday saying what a great time they're having. Erm...if you were having such a great time, you wouldn't be so bored as to be on Facebook. My phone goes in the safe on 1st day of holiday, I might check it for messages once or twice in the week but otherwise I am enjoying myself with friends.