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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to say 'no devices' to my adult family on Xmas day?

181 replies

runlulurun · 21/12/2016 11:32

My parents, sister and young niece are coming to stay for a few days over Christmas.

What I would like to do is collect all phones when they arrive (including mine and DH's) and then let them have them at designated 'phone times' for says 10 minutes to check messages before putting them away again. But even I can see that may be a tad controlling given that they are aged 40-70

How can I discourage it? Dsis is absolutely glued to her phone at all times and DH and DF aren't much better and I find it incredibly annoying. How do I get them to put their phones/tablets down and get the fuck off facebook/twitter/bbc sport? I think they'd all enjoy themselves more if they were a bit more 'in the moment'

I think my sister already find me somewhat bossy and sanctimonious... is there any way I can do it without my whole family thinking I'm a dick? We already have 'no devices at the table'.

Could i ask them to put their phones away for certain periods? Or ask them to keep their phones in a basket in the kitchen so they can go and check them whenever they want but dont just stare mindlessly at them out of habit?

Am I being a dick? Anyway I can achieve this without pissing everyone off?

OP posts:

MrsMattBomer · 21/12/2016 13:09

Genuine question, people who hate games and joining in, do you appear to hate it when actually doing it?

Probably. I really get pissed off when I'm forced to do anything. Especially if you're made to feel shit for not joining in because you would actually rather watch Doctor Who (in your own home) than be forced to play charades or some other mind-numbingly boring game people played before there was anything interesting to do.

Original poster

runlulurun · 21/12/2016 13:11

I also get that it's a loooooong day to be interacting, but in my head I think there are bits when you should be involved. Mainly mealtimes and present opening because they are the bits that involve the children and I don't think you should ignore them then... (although I do ignore them lots at other times. ) There is quite a bit of downtime on Christmas day where children are playing and me and DM (and maybe DSis) will be doing dinner etc. There is too much to do to have time to force everyone to be Jolly Good Fun all day

OP posts:

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 21/12/2016 13:18

It doesn't have to be long, tiring and wearying day. I always think sitting round and watching other people's children play with plastic tat is the most tedious thing on earth, so I go out for a walk. If anyone else wants to come, fine, but I'm not sitting inside all day. I also refuse to be bullied out of bed at 7.30am by nieces and nephews. You can be sociable outside - you don't have to be playing some game!

Eating in the evening helps - you can get out of the house while there's daylight and come back at about four to start preparing the meal. That gives kids the plastic tat time and games time.

Bin85 · 21/12/2016 13:20

Before the internet we had a no toys in the kitchen or at the table rule all year round.My MIL didn't like it when I turned off Only Fools and Horses during Christmas Lunch though The Queen was allowed later!!
I think these days it's much more difficult
Doesn't Mary Berry collect devices from her family as they come in ?

Original poster

runlulurun · 21/12/2016 13:20

everythingeverywhere because it's not a bit of time on their phones, it's continuous.

It's more like trying to have a conversation with someone and they just gaze blankly at you and start talking to the person next to you.

And actually if someone started reading their book when they got up on christmas morning, took it to the table with them, and ignored everyone around them because of it, I think that would annoy me too.

As an example last Christmas, DSis agreed to play a game in the evening. As far as I can remember, of her own volition but DM, DH and I all had to keep waiting for her to finish sending messages to have her turn. I did say, obviously if she didnt want to play she didnt have to but she swore she did want to. But it'd be all 'yeah, hang on sec' and the 3 of us would sit there like lemons waiting for her to finish!

OP posts:

Batteriesallgone · 21/12/2016 13:20

I do think if your DH is on his phone there is an element of 'the hosts are doing it, it's fine'. If he wasn't on his phone it would give a much stronger message.

If it's really important to you I'd focus on him. Your DSis on her phone probably won't annoy you so much if you know you can rely on DH to be interacting / playing with the kids / actively hosting all day as well as you.

Original poster

runlulurun · 21/12/2016 13:22

sukey DF will often do this and I definitely would if I could find time. Maybe I will make time this year

OP posts:

limitedperiodonly · 21/12/2016 13:25

Present opening? It's my Christmas tradition for children to open their presents from a pillow case at the end of their beds. My dad told me it was bad luck to turn the light on so that would mean my parents would get to lie in until at least 7.30am.

Obviously if you're handing a present to a child on or after xmas day you watch them opening it. But that's always with a sense of trepidation because they might not be suitable grateful enough. Pesky children. Never do what you want.

I don't understand making children wait to open their presents round a tree or at some designated time when granny and everyone else has ben pressganged round to watch their joy. Doing that really does make xmas all about you and not about other people.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 21/12/2016 13:29

Hm, fair enough. The game thing is rude, undoubtedly. I agree with a PP who said you need to dole out jobs for people to do and then just ignore any rude behaviour from there. It just sounds like you're winding yourself up because your adult relatives won't do as they're told. You aren't a dick though as PP have said, just hell bent on your idea of a good Christmas.

Original poster

runlulurun · 21/12/2016 13:31

Well, all the presents aren't for the children? The adults give each other gifts and the children give gifts to their grandparents, auntie, each other etc. So it's not just all the adults standing round watching, the kids - they have to get off their butts and go and give granny a present and wish her happy christmas or whatever too.

OP posts:

LadyPenelope68 · 21/12/2016 13:31

You are being controlling. We have a no phones at the table rule, but apart from that, these are adults, you can't control what they do.

BarbedBloom · 21/12/2016 13:32

I am an introvert and I do find it hard being around people all day without a break, especially if it is quite noisy and a lot of interaction. I will sometimes disappear into my phone for twenty minutes or pick up a book, or even go for a walk just for a break. But I wouldn't ever pick it up at the dinner table or be glued to it all day. I do it because family want to see us on Christmas Day and I want to see them, but I just feel drained without these short intervals.

I hate party games and board games, that would be my idea of hell, especially if I was nagged and nagged into playing. But I would happily sit and watch a film instead.

No to confiscating phones. That level of control would mean I would never go again, but just maybe ask what people fancy doing and accept different people may prefer different things. So maybe some people will play a game, others will watch a film and that's ok.

Baylisiana · 21/12/2016 13:32

You can't really...or can you....i sympathise because obviously you've only been driven to this by people who use them constantly. Being absorbed in their phones at meal times or while the children are opening their presents......not what Christmas is meant to be about. I would not as such try to take the phones but I would say something.

Libbylove2015 · 21/12/2016 13:39

It is so sad that instead of 'being' anywhere these days we are half there and half somewhere else, on our phones. Plus there is lots of evidence that it is psychologically damaging. I loathe and detest smartphones - I struggle but just about manage a ban on them at the table and in the bedroom at home (its just me and OH at the moment) but he is terrible.

I will be imposing a similar rule. In fact this year I took a photo of my OH on his phone every time I caught him in a ridiculous situation (i.e. sitting next to Lake Windemere in front of a beautiful view...on his phone. On the top of Mount Blanc skiing...on his phone. Sitting with the family while on holiday...on his phone). And on and on. I have had them made up into a photobook and will be presenting it to him on xmas day!

It is a bit tongue in cheek but I want him to see how he is acting from others' perspectives. He has admitted he is addicted.

So YANBU - you are trying to get your family to properly connect with each other for once. Living without phones for one single day a year shouldn't be too much to ask and if it is, it is a very sad state of affairs. They might be surprised how nice it is not to be chained to a device 24/7.

Witchend · 21/12/2016 13:43

I think my sister already find me somewhat bossy and sanctimonious

In all honesty I would totally refuse and probably retreat into my phone much more.
Much better if you suggest "no phones at the table" as a maximum and get a game out and say "who wants to join in this?" If they don't then let them.

I hate "we're all having so much fun" type games. Makes me immediately want to withdraw. I'm very good at hiding it, so you wouldn't notice at the time. I'd just be totally unavailable next time you wanted to play.

SnorkelParka · 21/12/2016 13:46

I think you sound funny, and nice. I am trying to work out how to reduce my escapism into Mumsnet over the holidays - partly because Mumsnet threads go very predictable and sad over Christmas and New Year (rubbish presents, ungrateful families, awful relationships), and partly because my kids keep mentioning how often I am 'on my device' ... which is more alarming as they are teenagers. BUT it is a massive part of how I switch off, and it seems slightly more anti-social to go off to my room and do yoga or meditate. Oh, and spending more than 2 hours with extended family is waaay too much for me, and they will be here for three days solid.

Unicornsarelovely · 21/12/2016 13:47

Op - you could try starting the booze so early that by lunchtime no-one remembers if they have a phone or not? bucks fizz for breakfast is a good start, especially if everyone is staying over.

Cutesbabasmummy · 21/12/2016 13:49

I really like this idea! I am as guilty as anyone of using my phone too much!

DotForShort · 21/12/2016 13:52

I feel deep sympathy with the sentiment though of course it wouldn't be appropriate to confiscate the devices (and I know the OP was just indulging in a fleeting fantasy rather than making a serious suggestion). Nothing drives me more batty than being surrounded by people who are glued to their phones during social occasions. I think we as a culture haven't quite worked out the etiquette WRT phone use in company. I very much hope we don't move in the direction of meekly accepting the constant texting/tweeting/Facebook updating that some people engage in, no matter the situation.

OTOH, I would not be very happy to be chivvied into playing jolly games on Xmas day. That actually sounds like a nightmare scenario to me.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 21/12/2016 13:52

On the plus side, that level of control towards an adult will probably result in them pissing off early...

I admit I'm surgically attached to my phone but if you said no devices i would probably not come anyway. I can't sit there with people all day, I get easily bored!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 21/12/2016 13:53

And most of the adults I know would rather stick pins in their eyes than play 'jolly games'

Original poster

runlulurun · 21/12/2016 13:55

I don't really mean it about confiscating their phones for whole weekend (just wishful thinking) but I wonder, if we generally accept it's ok ban phones at the table, can this be extended to other parts of the weekend? This is what I was getting at with the idea of keeping all the phones together in the kitchen and then get it, use it, take pics, send messages whatever and then put it back. There is a huge difference between this (in my view, normal) usage and someone who will spend hours and hours just browsing their phone as a leisure activity. Presumably you wouldn't spend the entire day sat at a desktop computer?

OP posts:

FaFoutis · 21/12/2016 13:59

It's bloody rude to be on your phone at someone else's house. I despair at the normalisation of this.

Original poster

runlulurun · 21/12/2016 14:02

Unicorns or I could just start the booze early so I don't give a shit either way

Actually a PP alludes to this, part of my thinking is that I do it too, and it's so easy to start looking at one thing and then another and the kids ask you for some help and then they're annoying because they're interrupting you (doing nothing). I know that I enjoy my children so much more when I concentrate on and prioritise them and I think for one day I should at least give them (and the other members of the family) that and I'd love everyone to do the same. It's not escaped my attention that I am finding it slightly annoying that DD is asking me for lunch when I am Really Busy posting on Mumsnet about people who use their phones too much

OP posts:

TinyTear · 21/12/2016 14:09

Just banning them at the table is fine...
A few years ago my SIL decided to ban phones and internet and all electronic communication. which meant that my DH had sent a long Christmas email and photos of DD with presents (we were abroad) and no one gave a shit or even thought to phone him to wish a merry christmas or read/reply to the email for 3 or 4 days and he was really worried about what could be happening as they weren't answering the phone either

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