To not want to go skiing

[Leanback]

Dp and his family love skiing, and dp has gone most years since he was about 12 with them.

I've never been skiing, I'm not a very active person and it's not something that really appeals to me. Me and dp have agreed that if I was to try it we would go with mutual friends, some of whom had never been skiing before either and some who are more experienced like dp. I do feel nervous about going but I feel if I had someone to learn with I'd feel better about the situation.

Dp's family keep trying to convince me to go with them. I've polietrly declined each time and for the last couple of years I've been studying for my masters and so can use that as a reason for not attending as I can't get the time away. I think this has annoyed them, and dp did admit to me that his df thinks I should just suck it up and go for 'family'. Every time we see them they badger me about going even though I have said I don't want to. Dp has no issues with me not going so I don't understand why his parents do.

Aibu? Should I just go for the sake of family relations?

I'm in two minds for you. I'm not at all sporty. And I was petrified about going skiing. The ski lifts scared me, slipping/falling scared me.

But I loved it!

I'm utterly shit at it, nursery/green slopes all the way and when I started I did fall over a lot. Falling doesn't hurt though, as the snow is pretty soft! I still love it even though I'm shit - the times I've been I've done my own thing, done a bit of ski school and then pootled down the slopes (the nice quiet, gentle ones), enjoying the scenery etc. Then met my friends who are better/go on bigger slopes for a nice lunch! In the afternoon some would ski again but others would go back to read/sit by the fire etc.

But it's just a really lovely experience, the clean, fresh air, lovely pretty snow and scenery, getting cosy by the fire in the evening.

My DH has never been and now we are in our 40s with kids I really want him to give it a go with us. I hope he will one day when our littlest is big enough to try.

I can see Monte Rosa from my bathroom window. On a clear day there is a "ring of majestic pointyness° view of the alps and the Appennini around the house. They are stunning and I love their presence as one of the aspects of our home. Under no circumstances am I strapping bits of wood to my feet and hurtling down any of them.

I went up a mountain once. It was cold. Covered in white, wet, annoying stuff that kept going in my eyes. And it was distressingly pointy close up. I felt very small and my legs hurt. My hands didn't. Cos I couldn't feel them any more. No allegedly "amazing trattoria" in the world was worth being up there.

Mountains. Lovely from a distance and as part of a view.

Crap when you are on them.

I used to get badgered into going to Liguria with DH's family. They loved it. I did not. The "same beach, same umbrella, same umbrella neighbours for 3+ decades" was right up their alley, but not so much mine. I was fine with them loving it. They were less fine with the concept that different people like different things.

Which felt a bit one sided.

Oddly enough, even 20+ years later, DH has not left me for a more "sociable lady".

I was exactly the same as you, op. Except it wasn't now husband hassling me to try it. I refused for the first 4 years of our relationship, then he booked a lesson without telling me and pretty much dragged me onto the snowdome slope. I was seriously pissed off.
I loved it so much, we booked a snowboarding holiday within 4 months of getting back and I'm now obsessed. Even managed to persuade my family to spend Christmas on a ski/board holiday one year!
So I say try it before you discount it - I had absolutely no interest, not sporty at all, hate being cold. Now I'm constantly planning when we can next go.

Try skiing by all means, but there is no need to go on holiday with the in laws to try skiing.

Just thought I'd say, I'm not sporty at all but I have been skiing a few times and enjoyed it. You learn surprisingly quickly when you're doing it everyday. I wouldn't choose to go again as I just prefer lounging around in the heat but I don't regret going.

If you really don't want to go though, that's fine and definitely don't go if you're not going to ski. You'll be incredibly bored (well I would be).

The thing is though that the OP doesn't want to try it and that's her decision, she doesn't want to "just give it a try" or "it depends on the resort" or try "a ski slope at home first".

She just doesn't want to do it!

Paying a shitload of money to spend time with your in laws and be cold.
Ugh, I think not.

Our situation is the reverse; DH can't and won't ski, the DCs and I (and all my family) love to ski. I taught the DCs from a very young age and they've never questioned why Daddy doesn't ski. He comes on holiday, reads, catches up with a bit of work, does some walking, cooks lovely suppers and drinks anything even remotely alcoholic. It's a great holiday for him because it's probably the only real rest he gets through the year. I wouldn't dream of pressuring him to learn; he has no interest (and a dodgy left knee) and I tend to think it's something you either love or have no interest in. I've never met anyone who was in the middle about it.

OP there'd be nothing wrong with you continuing to say no. Your DP's family sound a bit controlling and there's nothing to say you need to dance to their tune no matter how much they complain. Do what you want to do; if it's going along and sitting in a cafe drunk at 1pm with a book while they ski, crack on. If it's staying home and enjoying some peace, that's also your choice. I hate when families try and impose stuff like this onto one another; it's incredibly rude.

The thing is, they are nagging you to go with them but you wouldn't actually be with them. Good skiers and you are a beginner, you wouldn't see them all day so you would actually be spending the day with a bunch of strangers.
My DH family are sailors ( not now film is too old) and I always refused to go. I did go once for a day trip and I was very bored. Found out t a bit pointless.
If your DH is ok with it the ignore the rest of them

Oh, I get this too but with some of DH's old schoolfriends. They are desperate for us all to go skiing. I absolutely hate heights, and I strongly, strongly dislike the sensation of falling. I am the kind of person who has to cling on to hedges and walls if it is a little bit icy because I am scared. The idea of hurtling down a slope fills me with stone cold dread.

I can't get them to understand or 'hear' me on this. I've offered to come and sit in the ski chalet and read, but no, this apparently won't do - I have to go on the slopes or 'there is no point'. Similarly, I get forced to play stupid board games or computer games with them (which I also hate) so I have no doubt that I would face a daily battle to get them to understand my desire not to ski if we were to go.

I am lucky in that DH is very supportive and handles the nagging on my behalf. I think the key is for your DH to point out to his parents that it's really rude to keep suggesting something when you have clearly said no, and that the subject is closed.

Totally get where the OP is coming from - it's no fun going on any sort of activity holiday where everyone else is an expert and you are a total beginner and wouldn't be able to spend time with them anyway.

Skiing doesn't appeal to me at all - I learned to ski a long time ago on a dry slope but didn't enjoy it, and I loathe being cold. If OP doesn't want to go she should just tell them that, and not make excuses.

Oh, and I also wanted to add - in some families, this can be a way of offering passive-aggressive criticism.

My in laws drink beer and are CAMRA aficionados. I hate the stuff. Every time we are together, they force me to drink it. At first, I thought this was because they wanted me to like it. I've since realised that they see it as a kind of performance of what they see as a weakness, and they're trying to highlight it in the hope it's something DH dislikes as much as they do. Fortunately, DH doesn't give a damn if I drink cherry coke, whisky or meths so it fails every time.

I learned to ski at a SnowDome but have never been on an actual skiing holiday. I would like to try, but the problem is that groups of friends tend to do two things - ski all day, drink, sleep. I wouldn't want to do that every day as I don't like beer or gluvein (or however it is spelled) or hot chocolate, I'm a bit stymied on the drinking front. It wouldn't be so bad if it was at a resort that had other things to do but a lot of them don't, so it can be a lot of money for not really doing that much. I think I'd want to do a ski weekend first before committing to a full week if I was to consider doing a holiday.

I would think your DP's family are pushing you to go along because they realise if you don't ski, sooner or later, your DP isn't going to feel able to go without you and the family ski trips will end. Unless they can get you to join in, the tradition will end.

I'm very much not sporty - DH had a group of friends who are all good snowboarders and he'd go on holidays with them each year. I joined in a couple of times, booked into ski school for each morning, met DH for a boozy lunch, some days went on some gentle slopes with him, other days went back to the chalet and put myself in the hot tub or pottered round the town until they came back for dinner. I had a great time, even though I'm not one for doing exercise for fun.

I think you should give it a go. If you hate it, then you can say you've tried, but if you never do, then there will become a point in the future where you might resent the trips wihtout you. It would be a shame for your DP has to have to give up his family tradition without you having tried it.

The skiing is a red herring. It could be horse riding, sailing, playing tennis, whatever.

The issue is more that these people won't stop trying to make the OP do something she doesn't fancy. This would really put me off them.

I assume that the OP doesn't yet have children? When she does, are her in laws going to decide which holiday they are all going to go on, what time of year, who is going? Then make out that she is a wet lettuce if she doesn't fancy the EXACT holiday that they have chosen?

I actually think this is nothing to do with whether you will like skiing or not. The likelihood is not but we could accept, for the sake of argument, that there is a small chance you will mysteriously fall in love with it.

The real question is will you like going on holiday with your ILs?

On the evidence provided, especially the weird hat thing, the answer is an overwhelming no, even if absolutely no skiing, snow, outdoor activity or cold weather of any sort was involved.

If you had posted 'ILs are pressuring me to go on holiday with them, it's my worst nightmare and I think after a week together, we will kill each other, should I go?', not mentioning the skiing, practically no-one would advise you to go.

DP admitted DF thinks i should just suck it up and go for family
You have a DP problem not a skiing one. He didn't have to tell you that and make you feel bad. He should have made it very clear to his father that he should stop the emotional blackmail.
OTOH SIL is equally extrovert and quick to see anyone not wanting to do an activity or wanting to spend some time alone (or even 1:1 with another family member) as actively NOT wanting to be with her and would be hurt. It took me a long time (as an introvert) to understand where she was coming from.
You and DH need to be on the same page - you don't want to try skiing thank you, you would LOVE to join them on a warm holiday one year.
The skiing is a red herring to what's really going on i think.

Just seen Dinosaur's post - I think you have nailed it.

Their children are growing up, getting partners, soon their will be grandchildren. Perhaps they had a fantasy of carrying on these holidays and teaching the GCs to ski - but hadn't really thought through that partners might no like skiing, would have families of their own and limited annual leave, as kids arrive they might want to do other holidays, the heavy drinking wouldn't be on etc etc.

They are fighting change and currently you are the focus of this change. The family holiday as it happened with their teen kids through to 20s became a tradition but it couldn't last forever.

See I would just go along on the holiday and not ski.
Rest up in the lodge/hotel during the day, swim or read a book
And join them for dinners.
Beautiful scenery, hot choc and fresh air it sounds lovely to me

I'm not sporty in the slightest but I adore skiing and everything that goes with a ski holiday. I'm a relatively recent convert, it's totally addictive and I go three times a year. So I'd definitely advise giving it a go with friends as you say.

But from what you've said about your OH's family they won't be content with you soaking up the fresh mountain air and having a bombardino or three if you do go away with them, you'll be hurtling down that mountain on an "easy" red run to the best lunch place. So I'd stick to my guns and just say no, at least until you've tried it independently and liked it!

The thing is, with a limited amount of holiday time and money, the OP might prefer to do something else.

Some resorts/hotels/chalets are OK for non skiers. Others are very basic. Understandably skiers tend to choose resorts that are good for skiing.

You can find hot chocolate and swimming pools pretty easily without having to go to a ski resort. Yes the air is lovely, but other places have fresh air.

Sorry, I have read the whole thread but haven't seen it mentioned - do the ILs pay for this trip or would you and your partner have to pay your own way? Tbh, either way it makes the 'go and just sit around reading' plan a bit tricky - if they pay then I think they're likely to feel resentful of you (in their eyes) 'wasting' the holiday; if you pay then unless you're very well off I think you'll resent how expensive a way to sit and read a book it'll prove to be! There are other potential points of tension, too. I imagine that your partner joins in with the 'laddish' parts of this holiday currently, even if with secret reluctance. It sounds like you'd hate him acting like that in front of you - but if he doesn't 'join in' with you there that will instantly be seen as your fault by the family. Pp make it sound like it's a given that his family will be so pleased you're agreeing to go that they'll be happy to compromise in return, but everything you've said about them makes that sounds unlikely. They'll just switch from 'leanback is no fun because she won't come skiing' to 'leanback was no fun when she came skiing'.

JustHappy3 I think you've nailed it. If OP's DP was so happy about her not going, he would just ignore the comments from his family or tell them to lay off. He wouldn't feel any need to relay hurtful comments.

Personally, I would go once, try my absolute best to make it work so that I could say I had done my best to make my DP happy. Once I had shared that experience with him, I would make my decisions about ever going again based on that.
Can I just say, in the kindest way possible, that a/ you seem to have a lot of anxieties about being made to look a fool which are very inhibiting for you and b/ you can help whether you are in a bad temper or not.

However, if you really don't want to go, I don't that is entirely unreasonable. I just think you can miss out on life's rich pattern by being too rigid about what you will or won't like until you've tried something.

The problem with just joining them in the evening is having to listen to the endless discussions about who has skied where and the hilarious stories resulting from their skiing adventures. And I love skiing but being the non skier amongst skiers is tedious

He has told his family to lay off, him and his father got into an argument after that comment and didn't speak for a month. He told me what his father had said after I pestered him into why they aren't speaking.

His parents wouldn't be paying.