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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To warn DB that his GF might not be welcome at ours on Christmas day?

261 replies

KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 18:29

My DB is one of my best friends. He works in the emergency services so will be working christmas day evening - him, his gf and her two children are spending the day with my parents.

My parents are coming to me on Christmas day evening for drinks and nibbles and DB asked a month or so ago if his GF and her children could come, and I of course said yes.

Now the AIBU - she has recently announced she is in very early stages of pregnancy. I am undergoing fertility treatment. She is not at all sensitive to my situation (seems to put on a supportive front but makes a lot of comments that just aren't welcome). She did this at my DSDs birthday party two weeks ago and it bothered me a lot and I was quite upset by the time she left. I am happy for her but a little bit of sensitivity wouldn't go amiss, for example if she could not mention 'the bump' every five minutes (she's 6 weeks, there is no bump!). WIBU to ask my brother to keep her away if this is how she will behave?

I don't want to cause any problems with him so I'm tempted just to leave it, but I'm dreading having to face another christmas where I'm constantly reminded of our problems (last year DSD came to us from her mums on Christmas morning, sharing the wonderful news that her mum was pregnant. Happy for her, but a massive blow for me).

Also I know it sounds like I don't like the gf very much but I've tried really hard with her and I am also very nice to her. It's a very new relationship (met in september) so it's a lot to get my head around when DH and I have been trying for so long.

IABU aren't I? I can't actually ask her not to come Sad

OP posts:
Manumission · 22/12/2016 06:40

And since you mentioned me not being much older myself, I'

I didn't, did I?

Manumission · 22/12/2016 06:43

cutting that's a terribly mean way to phrase it!

OP can't you see that this has the potential to blow up very quickly if you're in such a state of mind that you think chopping and changing arrangements for christmas day at such short notice is reasonable?

I don't think you're being completely honest with yourself about how the different aspects of this are swaying you.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 22/12/2016 06:44

I think you need to look at this sentence you wrote in your op. Your subsequent posts go on to say how happy you are others being pregnant in defence of your reaction to this woman, but initially you say simply just hearing someone else is pregnant you describe as a "massive blow to you". That says a lot*

Have you ever suffered with infertility? Every pregnancy announcement is a blow. Not deliberately, but the initial shock is there as a big fat reminder that you can't have a baby. It's a blow and then you get over it after a few hours. The point that I was trying to make was that I spent a couple of hours last Christmas day having a cry about my infertility, I don't want to do it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 22/12/2016 06:45

Sorry manumission that was another PP. Hard to check when you're on your phone.

OP posts:
Cuttingthecheese · 22/12/2016 06:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 22/12/2016 06:48

OP can't you see that this has the potential to blow up very quickly if you're in such a state of mind that you think chopping and changing arrangements for christmas day at such short notice is reasonable?

I know christmas day plans are sacred and shouldn't be changed at short notice but I'm talking about a couple of hours in the evening which we hadn't even set a time for yet. My parents live a thirty second walk away. The whole thing is very informal. It's not like I was on about uninviting her for a three course christmas dinner or something.

OP posts:
Manumission · 22/12/2016 06:48

Oh go and play with the traffic cheese I've never heard such spiteful idiotic bollocks.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/12/2016 06:48

Yeah, that was me suggesting you weren't much older yourself, Kelly. Wasn't meant as anything other than a counter to this comment of Manu's:
Then again, there's the hyper-sensible option of making allowances for age and nerves and rising abover it entirely.

Point being, if you're of a similar age, then there's no need for you to make allowances for the GF's age.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/12/2016 06:49

oh do fuck off, Cheese - this is not the thread for you to spout your ridiculous ideologies. Bugger off!

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 22/12/2016 06:50

Mother nature is trying to tell you something. Your not meant to pass on your gene pool.

You know what? This is a fucking evil thing to say. There are people out there who neglect and rape and murder their children, but I'm the one who shouldn't be having kids?

I do try to be a nice person but actually, fuck off.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/12/2016 06:50

Kelly, I get that, and your response to me shows just how vvery sensitive you are, which as I already said is understandable.

I think not having her there on Xmas is a good idea so you've done the right thing.

Manumission · 22/12/2016 06:51

Ignore it kelly.

Unfortunately Mother Nature is an incompetent old dear who lets stupidity thrive for some reason.

Bluntness100 · 22/12/2016 06:52

Mother nature is trying to tell you something. Your not meant to pass on your gene pool.

Bumbleclat · 22/12/2016 06:52

Cuttingthecheese
That is the most horrible post. How can you say that? Do you disagree with treating cancer too because some people's genes are not supposed to go on?
Please retract your non-compassionate statement and readjust your ignorant views.

Bumbleclat · 22/12/2016 06:53

Oh it's Katie Hopkins on here -my bad.
Rent-a-gob-for-The-Sun

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 22/12/2016 06:55

Kelly, I get that, and your response to me shows just how vvery sensitive you are, which as I already said is understandable.

Sorry is there a less sensisitive way I should respond to a stranger telling me I shouldn't have children? How should I have responded?

OP posts:
Manumission · 22/12/2016 06:58

You're muddling bluntness up with the crazy poster kelly

Manumission · 22/12/2016 07:02

And FWIW I've changed my mind a bit and think bluntness has a point. I think you're maybe slightly doing that thing that we all do a bit when we're extremely upset - mixing up the different strands of stuff you feel bad about into one big feeling of sadness. So your worry about your brother is getting mixed up with sensitivity around comments his DP has made and the whole issue of pregnancy generally.

For that reason, bluntness suggestion to stay away from her while you feel particularly raw is probably wise.

Cuttingthecheese · 22/12/2016 07:06

bumbleclat yes, I do disagree with trying to treat any terminal illness but this is by the by for this thread.

I am entitled to my opinion. Just because you don't like it doesn't mean I should not express it. This is a public forum.

Mindtrope · 22/12/2016 07:06

I find it odd that the GF should want to spend so much time with people who are practically strangers on christmas day.

She has only know your brother 12 weeks or so ( and is already 6 weeks pregnant) and she wants to spend a whole christmas day with people she has only just met, including an evening without her boyfriend.

Doesn't she have family or friends she would prefer to see?

Cuttingthecheese · 22/12/2016 07:08

Oh, and this isn't about your suitability to rear a child. So your comment about rape/ murder is a moot one.

This is about your genes. Which is entirely different.

pklme · 22/12/2016 07:09

Sorry about some of the crap on here, Kelly.
I've just spent time with a friend who has been insensitively informed of another friend's pregnancy. I can see how hard it is to deal with, and especially at this time of year when there is so much else going on. She finds it helpful to have some phrases at the ready, like the one suggested up thread.

Is this thread still helping you? I'd be inclined to toddle off and ignore it now, myself. Maybe start a new one on "how to tell me you're expecting." Or "how shall I answer when people tell me..."

Manumission · 22/12/2016 07:09

cutting that isn't an "opinion". It's spite dressed up as weird pseudo-religious crap.

How can you expect anyone to take seriously a sentence containing both "Mother Nature" and "gene" FGS.

Are you Glenn Hoddle?

Show some decency and get off the thread.

Bumbleclat · 22/12/2016 07:09

cuttingthecheese well you're very much a complete bitch then.

Bumbleclat · 22/12/2016 07:10

And who says moot anyway? lol