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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To warn DB that his GF might not be welcome at ours on Christmas day?

261 replies

KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 18:29

My DB is one of my best friends. He works in the emergency services so will be working christmas day evening - him, his gf and her two children are spending the day with my parents.

My parents are coming to me on Christmas day evening for drinks and nibbles and DB asked a month or so ago if his GF and her children could come, and I of course said yes.

Now the AIBU - she has recently announced she is in very early stages of pregnancy. I am undergoing fertility treatment. She is not at all sensitive to my situation (seems to put on a supportive front but makes a lot of comments that just aren't welcome). She did this at my DSDs birthday party two weeks ago and it bothered me a lot and I was quite upset by the time she left. I am happy for her but a little bit of sensitivity wouldn't go amiss, for example if she could not mention 'the bump' every five minutes (she's 6 weeks, there is no bump!). WIBU to ask my brother to keep her away if this is how she will behave?

I don't want to cause any problems with him so I'm tempted just to leave it, but I'm dreading having to face another christmas where I'm constantly reminded of our problems (last year DSD came to us from her mums on Christmas morning, sharing the wonderful news that her mum was pregnant. Happy for her, but a massive blow for me).

Also I know it sounds like I don't like the gf very much but I've tried really hard with her and I am also very nice to her. It's a very new relationship (met in september) so it's a lot to get my head around when DH and I have been trying for so long.

IABU aren't I? I can't actually ask her not to come Sad

OP posts:
Unicorn1981 · 20/12/2016 23:35

Sorry but yabu. I've been in this boat with my dsil and I really didn't know how to be when I was pregnant. And I have my own issues getting pregnant so I was definitely sensitive to how she was feeling but it was very difficult to know how to be. You could ask your brother to mention how you feel to her but to shut her out isn't fair. Good luck to you, hopefully you'll get some happy news soon xxx

PeteSwotatoes · 20/12/2016 23:38

then in the next breath will sensitively system something silly like "urgh you don't want to be pregnant, the sickness is UNREAL!".

She sounds like she's trying really hard to be supportive but has no idea what to say to you.

pinklemonade84 · 21/12/2016 07:50

To be honest I think yadnbu

I've been where you are. Not with a sil but a so called friend who knew our situation ttc. She actually did a test at my house and for the rest of the pregnancy she was constantly moaning about sickness etc. It got to the extent where we actually chose to move off the street so that I didn't have to see her everyday.

I don't think there's any way to sensitively bring this up with your db though. I really think they should have a lot more consideration. And as for her comment about none of your other siblings having fertility problems, I would have wanted to smack her there and then.

Just be kind to yourself over Christmas. That was one of the hardest times of the year for me. If you feel like you can face having her there then great, by all means do so. But don't feel as if you have to put up with her insensitive comments if/when they start xxx

MsJudgemental · 21/12/2016 19:39

coffee, they've been together 3 months, i.e., 12 weeks, and she's 6 weeks pregnant, therefore she got pregnant after 6 weeks. Everything's happened extremely quickly, doncha think? Yes, he is just as responsible for the pregnancy. The reason I enquired about her past is that, if she is a Jeremy Kyle-style, gets-pregnant-straight-away-then-moves-onto-the-next-bloke kind of person, with 5 kids by the age of 20 (I kid you not) and she is his first real relationship, then it has a higher-than-average-chance in ending in tears for him.

MsJudgemental · 21/12/2016 19:40

Apparently, this is not the case, but she still should be more sensitive where the OP's infertility is concerned.

MsJudgemental · 21/12/2016 19:47

I have experienced this from both sides: mainly DH's infertility resulting in cripplingly expensive IVF/ICSI which happily worked first time (but never again) and having to spend Christmas, 10 1/2 months pregnant in the same house as my sister whose own infertility was never solved after many failed IVF attempts and who subsequently had a terrible experience with an overseas adoption.

You just don't rub it in people's faces. I know each pregnancy is different and special, but as she already has 2 children, surely she could tone the public excitement down a bit in OP's presence?

Charlottelouisa · 21/12/2016 19:50

If you are as close with your brother as you say you are then surely you are happy for him about to become a parent? I've struggled with infertility for years, when I finally fell pregnant after gruelling treatment i then lost the baby at 12 weeks , I was devastated ...... my brother (who I am extreamly close to) announced his gf was pregnant about 2 months later (he later admitted he was so worried about telling me) . I was absolutely over the moon for him and shared their journey with them. I fell pregnant after another round of fertility treatment and our baby girls are now here and 4 months apart.

Before I fell pregnant myself I was still happy for them because

  1. It was my first niece/nephew
  2. It was their situation (not mine) I didn't want their baby I wanted my own baby (does that make sense?)

I know how horrible it can be to try for years for a very much wanted baby but I will be the first to say that being extra sensitive to pregnant people only will make you fell worse.
Be happy! Every new arrival is precious especially when it's in the family.
Your time will come

WynterBlossom · 21/12/2016 19:55

I get the whole "sensitivity" however she can't walk around on eggshells not mentioning her pregnancy in case it upsets you.

My relationship has ended (not my choice), would I be reasonable to ask everyone not to mention their partners?? No because unfortunately it's life & others goes on, it's unfair but it's the way it goes.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 21/12/2016 20:14

There's a difference between talking about her pregnancy, and making comparisons between her pregnancy and my infertility.

Her commenting on how lucky my parents are that I am their only infertile child is not on. Her telling me she had no idea how easy it was to get pregnant isnt great either. Her telling my 7 year old DSD that it's going to be so exciting having a new baby in the family "even if it isn't a baby brother or sister for you" is not on.

Another SIL had a baby this year, two of my best friends are pregnant and another has just had her baby. I have not had any of these issues with them. I happily talk to all of them about their pregnancies (and do so with brothers GF as well). This isn't about her just being pregnant, it's about the way she talks to me about my infertility.

OP posts:
SantaPleaseBringMeEwanMcGregor · 21/12/2016 20:31

Her telling my 7 year old DSD that it's going to be so exciting having a new baby in the family "even if it isn't a baby brother or sister for you" is not on.

This woman sounds like a real piece of work.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 21/12/2016 20:37

There turned out to be a very simple answer to this AIBU which hadn't occurred to me. Had further bad news from my appointment with hospital today and told my mum that I really don't think I can face the GF on Christmas day.

My darling mother just turned round and said "that's fine we will come to yours for about 8pm - her kids will be in bed by then anyway".

Given that we are having our dinner at 5pm I wasn't expecting them over til 7pm at the earliest anyway...should have realised that the kids will need to be in bed shortly after.

OP posts:
Whatthefoxgoingon · 21/12/2016 20:39

Either this woman is incredibly dim or incredibly insensitive. Unfortunately, you can't uninvite her much as you may justifiably want to. Grit your teeth, pull up your big girl pants and try and avoid her as much as you can.

Here's wishing you a fertile 2017 Flowers

ghostspirit · 21/12/2016 20:46

Op don't want to scare you. But will the children defo be in bed. She may let them stay up because it's xmas

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 21/12/2016 20:50

Ghost they are only toddlers so even when they stay up 'late' for special occasions they're usually in bed by 8 because they're groggy. She has left early from parties and meals in the past because they are typical toddlers and cause a bit of a scene when they're overtired, and she doesn't like to impose on others at those times (goes to show she can be considerate!)

OP posts:
Alconleigh · 21/12/2016 20:53

I'd be wary of her OP. I know you keep defending her as inept rather than malicious but these comments keep piling up and are breathtakingly crass.

The whole being pregnant after 6 weeks and entirely embedded in your family, so presumably rushing her existing children into a whole new family set up is baffling to me, but I'm dancing carefully around that one as I am liable to get flamed for snobbery.......one of your posts also implied she was affronted at the idea of working unless I've misunderstood that. I think there are red flags waving all over this person, but obviously you know her and I don't.

TheNaze73 · 21/12/2016 20:56

YANBU. She knows what she's up to

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 21/12/2016 20:57

Alconleigh there are a lot of red flags, particularly how quickly she has introduced her children to my brother and family (and encourages them to call him daddy and my parents granny and pops) which shocks me. But as much as I don't approve of her decisions, they are hers to make and I won't let my feelings about her interfere with her relationship with my brother when he seems so happy.

Unfortunately she is going to be a part of my life for the long term now, so I don't know what I can do to be wary tbh Blush feels like that ship has sailed and I either have to put up with her behaviour or risk losing my brother.

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 21/12/2016 21:10

How old is she and your brother? It sounds ridiculous!
I don't think yabu. Nobody is stupid enough to say that many hurtful things without realizing it'll upset someone.

I also can't see her sticking around for long either, just because she's pregnant it doesn't mean they'll last. Very strange situation, try not to let her comments get to you though.Flowers

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 21/12/2016 21:21

She is 20 and he is 22. I think it will last - I think she has finally found a perfect family unit for her and her children (she had a particularly unstable upbringing so has never had this before) and my brother is too loyal to ever leave her, even if it would be for the best.

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 21/12/2016 21:33

Speak to your brother tell him how you feel and ask him to have a word with her. If he refuses or she kicks off then just tell her she isn't welcome. Don't let someone you've known 3 months ruin your Christmas.

Also she'll know how much her comments are upsetting you, there is no way she wouldn't. I'm just confused why she's trying to cause friction so early on.

Lambzig · 21/12/2016 21:36

Hmm, I think she sounds a bit immature and either socially inept or a bit dim rather than deliberately spiteful.

Nonetheless, I think you need to protect yourself, so keep a distance.

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2016 22:45

She really is a sweet lady

No she isn't and you're much nicer than me.

I think she's spotted a Good Thing with your brother, she's got her hooks into him and she's quite prepared to ride roughshod over his family.

I'd watch your back -your good relationship with him may be about to be sabotaged. But also be prepared to pick up the pieces when he realises what a cow she is.

Viviennemary · 21/12/2016 22:51

I don't hold out much hope for your db's relationship. She is 20 and is on baby number three with a man she's known for a couple of months before getting pregnant. It's a recipe for disaster if you ask me. But that's their business. I think they sound very silly and immature and I'd give both of them a wide berth for the time being and hope your brother sees sense. She sounds awful.

WynterBlossom · 21/12/2016 23:10

Of course Op, if you'd had put that on the first post.....I'd have agreed with you and said she's a dick and I'd personally uninvite her myself!

However reading from the first post, I thought it was a little similar to my sister being very bitter I'm pregnant, I haven't even seen her since she found out & apparently she hates me for it, I haven't bloody said anything!

However, this future sister in law sounds like an idiot and I'd have a chat and tell her to pipe down with comments!

Lelly0503 · 21/12/2016 23:13

She sounds like a twat and I feel for you having to put up with that. The comments here telling you to man up and just get on with it because 'people are going to get pregnant' annoy me because it is about someone being insensitive to your feelings and being bloody rude as well - regardless of the topic and situation that is not acceptable. For some reason it's like you have to put up with shit from people just because they are preg And you have to forget your own feelings.