Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To warn DB that his GF might not be welcome at ours on Christmas day?

261 replies

KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 18:29

My DB is one of my best friends. He works in the emergency services so will be working christmas day evening - him, his gf and her two children are spending the day with my parents.

My parents are coming to me on Christmas day evening for drinks and nibbles and DB asked a month or so ago if his GF and her children could come, and I of course said yes.

Now the AIBU - she has recently announced she is in very early stages of pregnancy. I am undergoing fertility treatment. She is not at all sensitive to my situation (seems to put on a supportive front but makes a lot of comments that just aren't welcome). She did this at my DSDs birthday party two weeks ago and it bothered me a lot and I was quite upset by the time she left. I am happy for her but a little bit of sensitivity wouldn't go amiss, for example if she could not mention 'the bump' every five minutes (she's 6 weeks, there is no bump!). WIBU to ask my brother to keep her away if this is how she will behave?

I don't want to cause any problems with him so I'm tempted just to leave it, but I'm dreading having to face another christmas where I'm constantly reminded of our problems (last year DSD came to us from her mums on Christmas morning, sharing the wonderful news that her mum was pregnant. Happy for her, but a massive blow for me).

Also I know it sounds like I don't like the gf very much but I've tried really hard with her and I am also very nice to her. It's a very new relationship (met in september) so it's a lot to get my head around when DH and I have been trying for so long.

IABU aren't I? I can't actually ask her not to come Sad

OP posts:
bretonpuffin · 20/12/2016 18:50

Mentioning her bump doesn't sound that dreadful. Basically you don't want her there just because she's pregnant, regardless of what she does or doesn't say. I get that it's difficult for you but yabvu.

Baylisiana · 20/12/2016 18:51

How hard is it for her to be a bit tactful? You should not just have to put up with it. The trouble is that you are dealing with an 'if' she behaves that way. I would ask your DB to have a word with her and if she seems receptive and he is confident she can be considerate, then let her come. If it persists you will know for the future.

Florin · 20/12/2016 18:52

You do have to in invite her but I have been in your position and completely understand how hard it is. I would have a quiet word with your brother and say although you are very pleased for them with your fertility problems it is difficult for you, could you ask gf to try and be sensitive about it. I have been in the situation of having fertility issues (took us 2 years, an operation and large quantities of clomid) however I have also been on the other side where I was pregnant and people we knew (and knew exactly the issues we had had as it was a very open subject with them) had a miscarriage and refused to acknowledge my pregnancy at all it was like the elephant in the room and really hurt me, I didn't want to talk about it constantly but not to have it acknowledged at all really hurt especially after going through so much to get there. Flowers I really hope 2017 is the year for you x

elvis86 · 20/12/2016 18:55

Sorry but it sounds like YABU, assuming that her recent "unwelcome comments" were just comments about her own pregnancy rather than grossly insensitive comments pertaining to your fertility issues?

As others have said - are you certain that she knows you're undergoing fertility treatment? Definitely worth a conversation with your DB explaining that it's a delicate subject for you, but unfortunately you can't ask that they don't discuss her pregnancy at all in your company.

The fact her parents live 5 minutes away has nothing to do with anything. You happily invited her before but now you're having second thoughts as she's pregnant.

I understand this must be difficult for you, but don't be that person that lets it ruin friendships and relationships.

gottachangethename1 · 20/12/2016 18:55

Yabu. While I have total sympathy for your situation, it would be wrong not to let this woman attend. I've had several miscarriages, a week after the last one my cousin and his dw turned up at my home (uninvited) to announce she was one month pregnant. They both knew I had had an mc. I smiled, wished them well and then sobbed as soon as they left. Life is bloody unfair. Concentrate on trying to enjoy xmas and as soon as she starts spouting smile and then move on to a different conversation.

Blueroses99 · 20/12/2016 18:56

Self-preservation is really important when facing infertility for your own sanity and you are absolutely not unreasonable to feel the way that you do and to recognise that there is a situation which you are going to find difficult. I do everything I can to avoid pregnant people, but sometimes it can't be avoided but in these cases I usually find the reality actually isn't as bad as I feared. But if I'm not prepared and get unexpected baby news or pregnancy talk, I'm all over the place.

I think you should speak to your DB to ask that the GF tones it down over Christmas and is more sensitive. If she can't be sensitive, he should think about whether it's right for her to be there when she might upset you.

It's a really tough one as you're going to have to deal with her ongoing pregnancy until your neice/nephew arrives. Hoping the couple with be sensitive, try to be strong.

NiktheGreek · 20/12/2016 18:56

Ive been in your position and was for many years so I know how you feel, but its not realistic to try and avoiding anyone who is pregnant, so hard as it it you really have to try and get through it as best you can. Believe me I know how hard it is so you have my sympathies.

slummamumma · 20/12/2016 18:57

OP so sorry to hear about your fertility problems. I really feel for you as have been in a similar position. Some people just don't take the hint. Please speak to your brother and ask him to keep their comments low key. you will be OK but it's really hard Flowers

namedaccount · 20/12/2016 18:59

YABU. It's a shit situation for you, I get that, but you really can't uninvite her and presumably her children too.

DixieWishbone · 20/12/2016 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 19:11

I know IAIBU and I know deep down that I couldn't uninvite her. I'm just dreading it.

I am close to my brother and could talk to him about it but I know she will in no uncertain terms tell him where to shove it if he asks her to tone it down. She has done this over other issues that have upset other people (not related to me).

For those telling me to suck it up because she is the mother of my niece/nephew, I totally get that. I do not begrudge her happiness but I do to a certain extent wish that people could be a bit sensitive when in my home about my issues. I have had several close friends and family members announce pregnancies this year and I am happy for them all, and can discuss their pregnancies and babies with them all with no bitterness, but that's because they also act sensitively.

Her comments have included telling my parents (who are paying for my treatment) how lucky they are that their other children (I am one of 5) don't have fertility problems because it would cost them a fortune - this comment was made to my face at my DSD's birthday party. She has also told me she had no idea how easy it was to get pregnant because they weren't even trying, and that her last two pregnancies took "two whole months of ttc stress each". When my best friend was at my house with her newborn at the larty, she insisted on taking the baby off of me because she "needed the practice". All comments were made in full knowledge of my problems.

She really is a sweet lady but she doesn't seem to think before she speaks. I am happy for her to talk about her pregnancy bit every comment she makes about it seems to be a comparison against my infertility, which is what is causing the upset. I will suck it up for my brothers sale- I have never seen him so happy and really don't want to talk to him about this because none of these comments are made in front of him so I don't want him to have to ask her if it's true and then she knows that I've been talking to him about her.

OP posts:
happychristmasbum · 20/12/2016 19:12

I would just ask DB to speak to her about being sensitive about her pregnancy. If you are very close surely he won't mind that? Or if she can't fail to mention it every five minutes she has the choice to go elsewhere obviously.

If DB won't be there and she has only known you all a few weeks I am surprised she isn't going home after DB goes off to work......

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 19:14

Jeez sorry about the spelling mistakes, been a long day!

But thank you for talking me out of doing something I might regret!

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 20/12/2016 19:17

I was tending to agree with others saying you can't uninvite her. But now I think you should do what's best for you. Just say there has been a change of plans and the evening at your house won't be going ahead. She sounds a bit of a pain in any circumstances. Going on about a bump at six weeks pregnant is a bit silly and immature. Hope things work out for you.

sonjadog · 20/12/2016 19:20

When she made the comments before, how did you react? Did you tell or show her how hurtful you find them? If not, then maybe I would try that. Showing emotion is not a sign of weakness, rather the opposite. If she is just rather thoughtless, maybe she actually needs to see how much she is hurting you?

yellowfrog · 20/12/2016 19:20

I agree with Viviennemary - the GF actually sounds like a bit of a cow - that comment to your parents about the cost of fertility treatment is just awful! Either tell them that plans have changed, or call her out on the comments at the time: "oi, GF, that's pretty insensitive, can you tone it down? Ta love"

PberryT · 20/12/2016 19:21

She sounds insensitive.

I would ask your brother to have a word. Even if she doesn't listen, you'll have at least tried instead of continuing as you are. At the moment she (probably) doesn't realise how upsetting she is.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 19:21

I've decided to try to actually spend the evening getting to know her better, which has the added bonus of minimising pregnancy talk at a time when it's really going to upset me. Win win right?

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 19:22

I've taken to just leaving the room when she makes the comments but maybe that's being too subtle. I really wish I could just get over this bad feeling because I really do want to have a good relationship with her!

OP posts:
elvis86 · 20/12/2016 19:25

Some of those comments do sounds grossly insensitive, OP. In light of that additional info, you're not being as U.

I'm not sure I'd have bitten my tongue at the time of the comments tbh, and I'm almost certain I wouldn't be as generous as you are saying she's "sweet".Hmm

I think you need to raise this seriously with her and/or your brother. If she decides to throw a strop that's her prerogative. She needs to put her brain in gear when she's around you.

Namechangeemergency · 20/12/2016 19:28

You poor thing
What a difficult situation for you.

I don't think reasonableness comes into it when you are struggling to conceive.

I agree with pp that your DB's gf probably hasn't got a clue how upsetting she is being and would find it difficult to understand why even if she did.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Its early days and the news is fresh. This time of year heightens emotions too.

It sounds as if you are doing all you can in a difficult situation.

Be kind to yourself Flowers

chinam · 20/12/2016 19:28

I'm just going to leave these Flowers here for you. Hoping this is the last year when you have to put on a brave face.

MsJamieFraser · 20/12/2016 19:29

Yabu, hopefully when you fall pregnant you will be shouting from the roof tops, she's just excited to be having your neice or nephew.

MitzyLeFrouf · 20/12/2016 19:30

She sounds like a pain in the hole. You're a more patient woman than me to bite your tongue at the comment she made to your parents re. the cost of fertility treatment.

Have a word with your brother, if she tells him to get lost she's a twat. Any normal decent person would be falling over themselves to be more diplomatic.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/12/2016 19:30

if been with your brother 3mths, she may not know about your infertility problems , she is prob excited hence mentioning bump lots

tho getting preg 6w into a relationship is going to be hard, but glad db is excited, will it be his first child?

he should talk to gf and say why you find it hard, and if she hs a heart (sounds like she doesnt) then she should try and be tactful

i understand about people getting preg just like that, over the years everytime a friend has announced she is preg, i am happy for them, but tinged with sadness for me

im 25w preg and has taken me 10yrs and 5 private ivf so d and i are so excited, tho diff circumstances to your df/gf

Swipe left for the next trending thread