To warn DB that his GF might not be welcome at ours on Christmas day?

[KellyBoo800]

My DB is one of my best friends. He works in the emergency services so will be working christmas day evening - him, his gf and her two children are spending the day with my parents.

My parents are coming to me on Christmas day evening for drinks and nibbles and DB asked a month or so ago if his GF and her children could come, and I of course said yes.

Now the AIBU - she has recently announced she is in very early stages of pregnancy. I am undergoing fertility treatment. She is not at all sensitive to my situation (seems to put on a supportive front but makes a lot of comments that just aren't welcome). She did this at my DSDs birthday party two weeks ago and it bothered me a lot and I was quite upset by the time she left. I am happy for her but a little bit of sensitivity wouldn't go amiss, for example if she could not mention 'the bump' every five minutes (she's 6 weeks, there is no bump!). WIBU to ask my brother to keep her away if this is how she will behave?

I don't want to cause any problems with him so I'm tempted just to leave it, but I'm dreading having to face another christmas where I'm constantly reminded of our problems (last year DSD came to us from her mums on Christmas morning, sharing the wonderful news that her mum was pregnant. Happy for her, but a massive blow for me).

Also I know it sounds like I don't like the gf very much but I've tried really hard with her and I am also very nice to her. It's a very new relationship (met in september) so it's a lot to get my head around when DH and I have been trying for so long.

IABU aren't I? I can't actually ask her not to come

Please don't take this the wrong way.

I completely understand but the truth is fertility problems can make us very inward facing and, well, a bit selfish.

We struggled for years before having dc.

At first I was the same as you are being. Rage at perceived 'ungratefulness' or 'digs'.

If you let it, it will destroy friendships and turn you on to a bitter shell.

You need to give yourself a little shake, accept that you are going to feel angry/sad but that it's not the fault of the excited or moaning if any pregnant woman you know.

She is 20 and on her third baby with a different father and a short term relationship? I am officially judging and I don't care what anyone says. From what you say about her comments also, I think I can see the problem....this woman is a complete idiot. What a shame your brother is now tied to her, even if they split up. He should have been a bit more careful!

^^ this

YANBU to want to un-invite her. But I don;t think I would because it would cause bad feeling.

I would speak to her direct, make it very clear you are trying to conceive, as she knows, and you find it really hurtful when she makes in sensitive comments about her pregnancy or your current infertility. If she keeps on doing it then I would have no qualms limiting how much I saw her and certainly would not want to have her round my house.

Sadly, people who have not suffered from infertility have no idea how miserable it can make you feel and all this talk of buck up etc is pretty much unhelpful. The best thing to do, IMHO, is to find the best way to manage it and just continue to pursue your own happiness avoiding people who make you feel very unhappy.

The fact her parents live close by and your brother won't even be there really mean (To me) it is a bit odd of your brother to ask you if his girlfriend of 12 weeks can be with you, without him, at Christmas.

In your shoes I would mention it to dear brother so he understands if you ever have to break away from her to any extend but I would also tell her, direct "It is annoying and upsetting when we hear about other people's pregnancies, we are happy for them but do not want to talk about hem and certainly do not want to talk about our own fertility situation so please do not discuss this when you come to our home."

Then I really would just repeat that whenever the topic came up.

I hope it won't come up, but I fear it will.

People who find it easy to conceive can sometimes be incredibly insensitive no matter how much they think they understand.

I think YABABU. She may not have any idea that it's hurting you and doesn't know what to talk about... could you have a little word and say that it's been a really hard road and would she mind juts reining in the bump talk?

Fuck me - your updates just get worse and worse!!

No, YANBU. I am glad your mother has supported you in this.
This GF sounds like a real problem, actually - yes, I know it's too late because your brother has already tied himself to her forever by getting the bloody woman pregnant so very fucking fast (who DOES that?!)

She's TWENTY? And already has 2 DC from a previous relationship? And is going for a 3rd now?

She's not insensitive, she's behaving like a spoilt brat over it all. Immature, gloaty, yes ok insensitive too but not because of social failings, just because she doesn't give a fucking shit about anyone other than herself!

I'm disturbed that she's inserted herself into your family so neatly and so quickly, really very disturbed.

And as for you being a "kill her with kindness" person, well that's all well and good but I doubt it's going to work for you - I'd be more tempted to go for the "fight fire with fire" option. When she says something overly rude and insensitive, just say "well THAT's rude, isn't it - your manners aren't a good example to your children!" or similar. Pull her up on it! She's getting away with it because NO ONE has told her to her face how very fucking rude she is! Or if they have, she doesn't care - so get that out in the open.

She's NOT "sweet" at all.

Oh come on. She's either welcome or she's not. What's with the "might" nonsense?

Your slightly sly way of not saying what you mean and not-quite badmouthing her sounds every inch as irritating as her lack of tact TBH.

Either have a quiet word with your DB so he can have a quiet word with her, or make it clear she's not welcome and accept the fallout, OR (sensible option) be upfront but low key about saying to her calmly what it is that you're finding difficult about her comments.

Then again, there's the hyper-sensible option of making allowances for age and nerves and rising abover it entirely. Which I'm sure you won't go for, unless accompanied by more badmouthing behind the poor girl's back.

Fuck me - your updates just get worse and worse!!

Of course they do Thumb. It's a masterclass in disingenuous drip-feeding.

I don't get the idea that the OP is much older herself, tbh. But anyway.

Helpful comments there Manumission, not!

FranticalFidget "I completely understand but the truth is fertility problems can make us very inward facing and, well, a bit selfish." You know who else can be a bit selfish? Expectant parents!

Kelly I have read your update so she is now not coming on Boxing day, yay, good decision.

You said news was not good so please do PM me if you want to chat I had a lot of fertility treatment, we have a birth dd (born through IUI) and adopted son. It is incredibly tough going through fertility treatment, I had a lot of it. It cost a lot. It is great your parents are paying and supportive.

Your brother's GF sounds like a prize bitch, just make it clear any insensitive comments will not be tolerated.

I think some posters have not read what you wrote fully, maybe they are just going on your opening post. Your brothers girlfriend doesn't sound nice at all. But you can still maintain a good friendship with your brother and relationship with his girlfriend and new niece/nephew but on your terms.

Pregnant women's happiness and expectant father's happiness doesn't trump other people's feelings.

When I was having my fertility treatment, albeit 25 years ago, I hated all pregnant women, no matter what they said to me. However I loved being around children so why not let her come, enjoy having children in the house and just ignore her comments you be the bigger person here.

Helpful comments there Manumission, not!

Well it might be 5am blunt, but i don't think it is unhelpful, actually.

This snidey stuff is EXACTLY how ridiculous 30 year feuds get going.

It IS daft/awkward to be saying that a de facto SIL (and toddlers) might/might not be welcome on Christmas day just a few days before the event (i realise the thread started a couple of days ago).

And as has various people including OP HAVE said, but aren't fully taking to hear, this woman IS now tied to the DB with a baby, the DB is committed, it's a done deal. SO why not make the best of a 'sweet' 'good mother' for a SIL? Even if she is about to be a 21 year old mum of 3 (by more than one man, shock horror!) What does all the suburban muttering and bosom-hoiking actually achieve?

Address the problem honestly and try to see the best in the woman. What else is there to do?

OP has already done that, even though you think she's doing it in a backhanded way.

There comes a time when bluntness IS the way forward - but it seems the OP's mum has sorted this out for her by saying they'll come after the children are in bed, so no issue for Christmas Day at least.

Then when the festivities are done, THEN the OP can stand up for herself in a far more blunt and honest fashion and tell the new GF that her comments are frankly unacceptable and won't be tolerated.

"I completely understand but the truth is fertility problems can make us very inward facing and, well, a bit selfish." You know who else can be a bit selfish? Expectant parents!

And you're right Italian - two groups programmed to be introspective. Sometimes rubbing along with someone is an act of will.

There comes a time when bluntness IS the way forward - but it seems the OP's mum has sorted this out for her by saying they'll come after the children are in bed, so no issue for Christmas Day at least.

Then when the festivities are done, THEN the OP can stand up for herself in a far more blunt and honest fashion and tell the new GF that her comments are frankly unacceptable and won't be tolerated.

Agreed. It's going to need to be addressed sooner or later.

What worries me is that the thread reads like an invitation for us all to agree with OP what a shocking young mum the SIL sounds like. Which way off the point.

Manu I was referring to the 'masterclass in disingenuous drip-feeding' not to any advice you were giving. I think sometimes the reason threads drip feed is because you start out thinking I don't want to give too much away and then you end up with it all hanging out!

I think bluntness is good. I think the OP should be blunt with her DB's gf.

I don;t have a problem with rubbing along with people and making it work if you have to but if the other person is being really horrible then it can sometimes be soul destroying. Sometimes one has to preserve self.

I am not judging the GF on her number of kids, age, marital status or anything except her appalling comments. My bosom is decidedly unhoiked!

Must go to bed now.

OP

No no. I don't think she's a shocking "young mum", I think she has a shocking personality regardless of age and children (although her age does lend to the concept of her immaturity, some people never grow out of it and could still be that immature/selfish/thoughtless at 40 and beyond).

Manu I was referring to the 'masterclass in disingenuous drip-feeding' not to any advice you were giving. I think sometimes the reason threads drip feed is because you start out thinking I don't want to give too much away and then you end up with it all hanging out!

Well it was.

The insensitive comments about pregnancy were easy to sympathise with. All good. That was in the OP.

But then it goes along and more and more stuff is getting dripped in; She has toddlers, she's 20.... None of which makes any difference to the question at hand. Why add it in?

I genuinely think OP needs to ask herself why.

At one point she actually said something like "I'm not negative about her. Not in front of her anyway".

I can just smell games and carping and unreliable narration in all this.

I think bluntness is good. I think the OP should be blunt with her DB's gf.

I don;t have a problem with rubbing along with people and making it work if you have to but if the other person is being really horrible then it can sometimes be soul destroying. Sometimes one has to preserve self.

If she really is nasty, you're right. But if she really is nasty, why is OP telling us she's 'sweet'?

No no. I don't think she's a shocking "young mum", I think she has a shocking personality regardless of age and children (although her age does lend to the concept of her immaturity, some people never grow out of it and could still be that immature/selfish/thoughtless at 40 and beyond).

I'm sure you don't but I think we're supposed to.

It's just so easy for these things to escalate; SIL is nervous and a bit prone to foot-in-mouth, OP and family are a bit disapproving of her life choices and disappointed at the DB's choice. Everyone gets a bit hurt/prickly/defensive/judgey. I can see how that might have developed.

Just as you are allowed to be upset that your body doesn't work.

Charming.

From now on when she makes these types of comments im just going to repeat "I'm sure you didn't mean it this way but that's quite an insensitive thing to say given that we are struggling to conceive

^^this!

Brilliant response, polite and to the point. I know the problem is solved this time, but I'm sure the sentence above will need to be wheeled out in future anyway. It's a good one to have in your arsenal, and if you just keep repeating it - exactly the same wording - it will work like training a dog.

last year DSD came to us from her mums on Christmas morning, sharing the wonderful news that her mum was pregnant. Happy for her, but a massive blow for me

But then it goes along and more and more stuff is getting dripped in; She has toddlers, she's 20.... None of which makes any difference to the question at hand. Why add it in?*

I didn't mention this originally because it is irrelevant. Some of the best mums I know have children with multiple fathers and have had children young. However a few people asked how old she was so I told them. I mentioned the fact they were toddlers to explain why they would need to be asleep so early despite it being christmas day. I didn't want this thread to turn into people just bashing young mums and people who have children with different fathers.

In my experience people are not just black and white they can be complicated. So me saying she is sweet and a good mother doesn't contradict what I'm saying here. She has done things that are very sweet, and she is doing a good job of raising her girls to be lovely children. That doesn't change the fact she has also made some very hurtful comments towards me.

And since you mentioned me not being much older myself, I'm 26 (almost 27). Not sure if you consider that old enough to be mature or not if that has anything to do with it.

Well aren't YOU lovely, Cutting. You sound similar to the GF in the OP, frankly. How very fucking rude.