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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To warn DB that his GF might not be welcome at ours on Christmas day?

261 replies

KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 18:29

My DB is one of my best friends. He works in the emergency services so will be working christmas day evening - him, his gf and her two children are spending the day with my parents.

My parents are coming to me on Christmas day evening for drinks and nibbles and DB asked a month or so ago if his GF and her children could come, and I of course said yes.

Now the AIBU - she has recently announced she is in very early stages of pregnancy. I am undergoing fertility treatment. She is not at all sensitive to my situation (seems to put on a supportive front but makes a lot of comments that just aren't welcome). She did this at my DSDs birthday party two weeks ago and it bothered me a lot and I was quite upset by the time she left. I am happy for her but a little bit of sensitivity wouldn't go amiss, for example if she could not mention 'the bump' every five minutes (she's 6 weeks, there is no bump!). WIBU to ask my brother to keep her away if this is how she will behave?

I don't want to cause any problems with him so I'm tempted just to leave it, but I'm dreading having to face another christmas where I'm constantly reminded of our problems (last year DSD came to us from her mums on Christmas morning, sharing the wonderful news that her mum was pregnant. Happy for her, but a massive blow for me).

Also I know it sounds like I don't like the gf very much but I've tried really hard with her and I am also very nice to her. It's a very new relationship (met in september) so it's a lot to get my head around when DH and I have been trying for so long.

IABU aren't I? I can't actually ask her not to come Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 21:04

Andrew I already am an aunt, including to a gorgeous little niece who was conceived when I was already struggling to conceive, and I really do adore it too Smile that SIL has been my rock throughout my fertility problems even though she was pregnant.

And I really won't force my brother to choose because I know full well that in this situation, he has to choose her. I completely accept that, it is the right thing to do. Putting up with her comments is 100% worth it if it means I still get to have a close relationship with my brother.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 20/12/2016 21:05

She sounds like an arse or just gigantically stupid.

No one "sweet" would say to someones parents, "Its a good job the rest dont have issues"

What a bitchy thing to say.

GabsAlot · 20/12/2016 21:06

i thinik yourebeing too nice now

she doesnt sound sweet or nice-your db loves her so what hes known her for a total of 12 weeks how well can u know someone-she could be a nightmare

if u dont say something now to him it could escalate

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 21:10

From now on when she makes these types of comments im just going to repeat "I'm sure you didn't mean it this way but that's quite an insensitive thing to say given that we are struggling to conceive".

I'm a kill 'em with kindness kinda girl. Hopefully my brother will have my back if I phrase it that politely, and it prevents any fallout because how could she argue against that?!

OP posts:
RortyCrankle · 20/12/2016 21:13

Of course YABU and I say that as someone who couldn't/didn't have children, pre IVF days. You really need to woman up and be happy for your DB and his DP - the world isn't going to stop procreating because you have fertility issues.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 21:15

Rorty I don't have an issue with her, or anybody else, pro-creating. I have an issue with her making very upsetting comments about my infertility to my face in my home whilst gloating about her fertility. I'm just trying to avoid spending my Christmas Day evening curled up next to my husband in tears, again.

OP posts:
Mehfruittea · 20/12/2016 21:23

I'm sorry you are struggling in this way, and yes it is hard when everyone around you seems to get pregnant so easily.

I struggled for 5 years and always found Christmas time so much harder than any other time of the year. I hope it goes well for you, IME spending time with family helped to talk about how I was feeling. Maybe you could share directly with GF some of the pain you have so that you know at least the message has landed correctly with her. Don't rely on your bro to get it right. Then if she isn't respectful, stick it to her.

Btw - one Christmas my mum called DH a Jaffa at the dinner table. In front of him, his brothers and parents. It was a few Days after finding out he had a low sperm count. Angry

KlingybunFistelvase · 20/12/2016 21:24

From now on when she makes these types of comments im just going to repeat "I'm sure you didn't mean it this way but that's quite an insensitive thing to say given that we are struggling to conceive".

Yes OP! This is the perfect response I think. It's direct without being rude which is exactly how it should be handled. If she's being deliberately unkind then calling her on it is exactly the right thing to do. If she's just clueless then it needs to be spelt out to her. Your response does both.

Since reading your updates, I now think she sounds either very foolish or weirdly competitive Confused. I hope you all have a lovely Xmas and that she gets the message Flowers.

Sweets101 · 20/12/2016 21:24

But, but... why is she and her 2 children spending Xmas day with her new boyfriends parents and sister when he won't even be there? Especially if her own children's extended family are only 5 mins away. She's been with her new man 2/3 months and already expects her DC to play happy families with his extended family for Christmas? She sounds batshit.

PixelLady42 · 20/12/2016 21:27

Personally I think YANBU - why does her situation trump yours?
There has to be a way you can both be happy with spending time together, especially in your own home.
This shouldn't mean her pregnancy is never mentioned, but equally she shouldn't be able to rub it in your face using the comments that you have explained she says.

My BIL and SIL have a little girl, and are due another. They barely had the space for the first, and frequently speak about having even less space or money for the second. They seem to spend most of their time babbling on and on gleefully about being pregnant and children etc etc.
I love my niece, but it makes me angry each time they go on about the children they are having seemingly without any planning or thought for provision for their future,

I do my best to tolerate their endless comments, but we are spending less and less time with them due to their comments and behaviour. Ideally I'd like to seek middle ground, but any consideration and support we give them seems to get thrown back in our faces, or ignored with indifference.

Personally I would try to find middle ground by discussing your concerns with your brother and seeing if some concessions can be made by her. If not, explain that it will make you too unhappy to have her in your home and you would rather she didn't come if she can't moderate her behaviour.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 21:29

Sweets she doesn't get on well with her stepdad (doesn't know her real dad) which is why I was happy to have her here in the evening once my brother goes to work late.

Although her mum lives locally, she actually lives a couple of hours away so they stay with my parents when my brother is working and at hers when he is off (he often works 4 nights on then 4 nights off). So she is staying at my parents over the Christmas period and since they were invited it made sense to invite her too.

OP posts:
Patienceisvirtuous · 20/12/2016 21:31

I think you should look out for yourself. Fuck pleasing others. You're going through something very, very difficult, so put yourself first.

(I know how you feel Flowers)

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 21:34

Thank you Patience. I'm lucky that other than her, I am surrounded by a very good network of supportive friends, family and colleagues, as well as starting counselling in the new year. So I am trying my best to make sure I am putting myself first without distancing my brother and new niece/nephew.

OP posts:
Sweets101 · 20/12/2016 21:40

I still think she sounds like she gives very little thought to things so I doubt you'll get much consideration from her.
Not much you can do about it now though without potentially causing a rift with your DB.
I think your suggested response sounds very good.

Ledehe · 20/12/2016 21:41

So your brothers girlfriend of 3 months has moved herself and her kids into your parents house half the week. No wonder they don't like her. She seems very forward.

She also seems jealous your parents are spending the money on you....which is so lovely of them.

It'll all kick off at one point but kill em with kindness is my default too. I hope everything works out for you.

ThePeoplesChamp · 20/12/2016 21:42

WOAH- I was getting a sore bum from sitting on the fence on this....

on the one hand I thought overall YABU at her just being a bit irritating (Currently pregnant with first myself, but very bored of all the 'precious first pregnancy' types I've ran into also.)

HOWEVER "Its a good job the rest dont have issues" What the actual f**ck!?!!?!? I wouldnt even be interested in taking moral high ground or in killing her with kindness I'd just kill her .... I would actually make quite an awkward moment of it for her if she comes out with anything so priase seeking and massively offensive again.

DB GF: "Its a good job the rest dont have issues"
YOU: sorry, what??
BD GF: I just mean err ummm that errrr
YOU: no really, please do tell me how you feel you are some how picking up a shortfall here???????

I'm a cow though Grin

Good luck in TTC OP, I'm sure it will all happen for you, wishing you all the best.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 21:47

Ledehe I think you've hit the nail on the head about the money. She is not from a very well off family - neither were we, but my parents have worked very hard and are now finally in a very comfortable position. So perhaps there is bad feelings about them being willing to spend money on my treatment. Although they will also be financially supportive of my brother and his baby and will make sure the family want for nothing when it comes to all the baby bits and essentials (my mum buys me and all of my 4 siblings the meat for a Sunday roast every week, without fail, despite never having been asked. She's definitely a provider!!).

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 21:49

ThePeoplesChamp I just laughed out loud at your post. That is the perfect response!

Thanks for the well wishes. Sending lots of good vibes for your pregnancy and the baby!!

OP posts:
ThePeoplesChamp · 20/12/2016 21:53

Cheeky mare needs telling!

Thanks KellyBoo800. Not sure if youre drinking if TTC? but if so (and she WOULD drive me to drink) you could be really quite cutting and blame the wine Wink

Daisyfrumps · 20/12/2016 21:55

She sounds insensitive and socially awkward but it's not totally clear if her intentions are to deliberately hurt you.

Are you a 'hold it all together' sort of person Kelly? Maybe if you let her in a bit she would be more sensitive. Let her know how you're so pleased for her but it's a bitter sweet feeling because... Obviously you can't expect her to never mention her pregnancy, but if you get to know each other better perhaps she wouldn't rub you up the wrong way so much?

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 22:02

I will be drinking a LOT Grin

Daisy I completely agree, I'm not sure any of it is her deliberately trying to upset me. She just seems a bit clueless! We otherwise get on very well - have invited her round a few times when my brother is working and I know she is at my parents so is local, and have also babysat her youngest daughter when gf and oldest dd were feeling unwell so I told her to get some rest and I would come round and watch the little one.

I've been very open with her about ttc. She has seen me sob my heart out when we learnt of my DH's low count (the same day they announced their pregnancy, which my brother handled very well and sensitively). She has hugged me and told me everything will be OK and let me cry on her, and then in the next breath will sensitively system something silly like "urgh you don't want to be pregnant, the sickness is UNREAL!".

She's bloody insensitive and awkward but I don't think any of it is deliberately cruel.

OP posts:
Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 22:04

"Sensitively system?" I meant "will mention" Confused

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Owllady · 20/12/2016 22:12

So after 4 /6 weeks of being with your brother she was pregnant and your brother had met the kids and they'd moved in? Bit quick innit?
And yes she's being super insensitive

Itsjustaphase2016 · 20/12/2016 23:12

I think she's jealous of you and feels a bit threatened as you are, by your own admission, really close to your brother. She's even going to YOUR parents on her own for Xmas day! She's totally trying to get right in with your family and she sees YOU as the ultimate rival. Just ignore her and be the bigger person. Masses of luck with ttc

awkward91 · 20/12/2016 23:30

YABU. Her pregnancy has nothing to do with your situation.