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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To warn DB that his GF might not be welcome at ours on Christmas day?

261 replies

KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 18:29

My DB is one of my best friends. He works in the emergency services so will be working christmas day evening - him, his gf and her two children are spending the day with my parents.

My parents are coming to me on Christmas day evening for drinks and nibbles and DB asked a month or so ago if his GF and her children could come, and I of course said yes.

Now the AIBU - she has recently announced she is in very early stages of pregnancy. I am undergoing fertility treatment. She is not at all sensitive to my situation (seems to put on a supportive front but makes a lot of comments that just aren't welcome). She did this at my DSDs birthday party two weeks ago and it bothered me a lot and I was quite upset by the time she left. I am happy for her but a little bit of sensitivity wouldn't go amiss, for example if she could not mention 'the bump' every five minutes (she's 6 weeks, there is no bump!). WIBU to ask my brother to keep her away if this is how she will behave?

I don't want to cause any problems with him so I'm tempted just to leave it, but I'm dreading having to face another christmas where I'm constantly reminded of our problems (last year DSD came to us from her mums on Christmas morning, sharing the wonderful news that her mum was pregnant. Happy for her, but a massive blow for me).

Also I know it sounds like I don't like the gf very much but I've tried really hard with her and I am also very nice to her. It's a very new relationship (met in september) so it's a lot to get my head around when DH and I have been trying for so long.

IABU aren't I? I can't actually ask her not to come Sad

OP posts:
Namechangeemergency · 20/12/2016 19:30

I just read your last post properly.
It sounds as if she thinks you need to stop moping and making a fuss.

Talk to your brother. She doesn't have to stop talking about her pregnancy but she could be more sensitive without it spoiling her excitement.

Florin · 20/12/2016 19:31

Now you have given more info I don't think you would be unreasonable to not have her there, she is awful. I had a friend when I was in the middle of fertility and had just opened up about how I was really worried that the new treatment wasn't going to work for her to say back I am going to have to be so careful a man only has to look at me and I fall pregnant it hurt so badly. It is not something I have forgiven. I can't believe nobody has said anything to her already. It's got nothing to do with her being pregnant her comments are cruel.

ghostspirit · 20/12/2016 19:32

op i can understand its a very difficult time for you. but i guess if you do become pregnant you will want to share it and talk about it and you will be really happy etc. i think thats what your bros girl friend is doing shes just enjoying it and is excited. i hope you also get some good news to op. try and enjoy xmas. and if you find it hard with bros girl friend try and let it go over your head. sorry im not sure what words to use but i hope you understand what i mean. Flowers

MoMandaS · 20/12/2016 19:32

You're a better woman than me! She's either quite dim or a horrible person. I'm guessing the former, in which case can you put her straight (gently) the next time she comments? E.g. say something like, "i know you've never had to worry about fertility so I don't expect you to understand quite how painful it is". And just leave it at that.

december10th · 20/12/2016 19:33

I understand you are frustrated at your situations and envious at other people's pregnancies. It is only human, but a new pregnancy is a big and exciting thing for a woman and it really isn't fair to not let her enjoy her moment. There are always going to be pg women around and I think you just have to get used to the fact.

Original poster
KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 19:34

She categorically does know about my infertility. I have had full on discussions with her about it.

I am probably coming across as a complete bitch but I promise I am so excited for her and my brother. It's his first child and he will be an amazing dad, and she already is an amazing mum. I've congratulated them, bought her flowers after she told us, even got a BabiesRUs voucher for her/the baby as a Christmas present (on top of actual presents for her and her daughters). I have been nothing but enthusiastic about their pregnancy to her face Smile

OP posts:
sodabreadjam · 20/12/2016 19:35

Her comments are beyond insensitive - they are quite gloating and goady.

What do other members of your family such as your DM say or do when she is like this?

It must be really horrible for you and really difficult trying to keep your composure.

Good strategy to try and get to know her better - you go high when she goes low.

I hope 2017 brings you keep luck and everything you and your DH wish for yourselves.

rollonthesummer · 20/12/2016 19:35

if been with your brother 3mths, she may not know about your infertility problems , she is prob excited hence mentioning bump lots.

---->>>>>

Her comments have included telling my parents (who are paying for my treatment) how lucky they are that their other children (I am one of 5) don't have fertility problems because it would cost them a fortune - this comment was made to my face at my DSD's birthday party.

sodabreadjam · 20/12/2016 19:35

*good luck

rollonthesummer · 20/12/2016 19:36

She sounds like a thoughtless cow to me!

mistermagpie · 20/12/2016 19:36

She does sound monumentally insensitive, but presumably your DB loves her and thinks she is a good person and you trust him, so I would try to be of the view that she isn't doing it deliberately.

I was newly pregnant when my SIL had her second miscarriage, I was very careful not to mention my pregnancy unless anyone asked and her and her DH ignored pretty much ignored me completely. It ended up being the 'elephant in the room' as a pp said, and made things really tense on both sides, so I think there is a balance to be struck but your DB's GF is getting that balance wrong. I would maybe have a word to your DB about how you're feeling, it sounds like you're close so he will be able to understand.

Banana25 · 20/12/2016 19:37

OP. You are not a bitch. Don't even think that.

Namechangeemergency · 20/12/2016 19:37

You are not coming across as a bitch and you are allowed to feel conflicted.

QueenArseClangers · 20/12/2016 19:38

Hang on: she's only been with your DB for 3 months or so and has already upset you on various occasions with her thoughtless comments?
Seems like your DB doesn't really know her (projecting here of course) and she's been plunged into family life with his family because of the pregnancy.
It sounds worrying that after such a short time she's already known as someone who 'blows up' at people and tells them where to go if they say anything Confused

Looks like you need to have a coping plan if she makes tactless, hurtful comments at Xmas. Perhaps you and DH could have a code word which means you have to escape from her to a different room?
Really hope she's more sensitive this weekend and your DB is too OPFlowers

Namechangeemergency · 20/12/2016 19:38

There are always going to be pg women around and I think you just have to get used to the fact Hmm

29redshoes · 20/12/2016 19:38

She does sound very insensitive. As others have said I'd ask your brother to have a word with her.

I don't think you can expect her not to mention her pregnancy at all, but it's not unreasonable at all to ask her to tone it down around you. And the comments about your fertility treatment are seriously not on. If she point blank refuses to change then I wouldn't blame you for distancing yourself from her in future.

Either way though I think you might just have to grit your teeth and get through this Christmas since she's already invited. Uninviting her now would cause major drama and I'm not sure it's worth that hassle.

Hope it resolves itself OP, and that you have good news in 2017 Flowers

TheTantrumCometh · 20/12/2016 19:39

I hope your treatment goes smoothly.

I'm going to be optimistic and guess that maybe the gf feels horribly uncomfortable and is one of those people who says the exact thing that will stick their foot in their mouth by desperately trying to avoid putting their foot in their mouth.

I have a habit of doing this an it's awful (for all concerned), especially as either a) try to explain myself and it just looks like I'm trying to clamber up the hole I've just dug and I'm making excuses, or b) I keep quiet to avoid making it worse and people think I actually mean what I've just said.

Some of the comments she has made have been very questionable though and I think you're a very generous person giving her a chance when you're on the receiving end of it.

And I think taking the time to get to know her, and her you, is a good one

ghostspirit · 20/12/2016 19:41

op i also went back and read your other post. she does seem very insensitive. and you said your bro has tried to chat to her about other things in the past that have upset people and shes not willing to tone it down. its only been 3 months shes not doing great to try and fit in.

PeteSwotatoes · 20/12/2016 19:43

Maybe she doesn't understand the whole picture.

You said that she found it really easy to conceive, perhaps she has no real basis from which to empathise? Maybe from her PoV you're getting the treatment you need, and therefore the problems are being dealt with?

She might have no idea how much this is hurting you.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 20/12/2016 19:43

The examples of her comments are dreadful - are you sure she is 'sweet'? Because they sound really bitchy and nasty. Your parents are lucky their other kids aren't costing them for fertility treatment? Horrible thing to say.

At Christmas, I wouldn't want to have her in my home. It will spoil your day. Ask your db to take her elsewhere.

Longer term, two options - either speak to your db (and if she does react badly her true colours will be revealed) or call her out on her comments every single time (will take nerve but will be effective)

miscarryingandsad · 20/12/2016 19:43

I'd ask your brother to have a word. If she has a strop about it then uninvite her. Yes, she's going to have your niece/nephew, but she needs to make an effort too.

Alternatively, enlist your parents in pulling her up for any dodgy comments - what did they say about the treatment payment chat?

It's very telling that she can hold back when your brother is there.

Good luck with the treatment.

OhSuckItUpDucky · 20/12/2016 19:45

Sorry I think she is a trouble maker and spiteful
I'd make sure everyone had your back on this one and I wouldn't be alone with her incase she made , yet another insensitive comment
Like people have said , there is a balance , but she keeps tipping it every time
Flowers for you OP

honeylulu · 20/12/2016 19:50

She sounds horrid and you sound lovely. I hope you have a baby (or bump) of your own to cuddle by next Christmas.

JaniceBattersby · 20/12/2016 19:53

Part of the problem is that those who don't have MN or similar, or have had no exposure to infertility, really have absolutely no idea of the etiquette surrounding it.

I'm not saying she's not being insensitive, because she is, but if she knows nothing about infertility then she probably has absolutely no idea of the impact of what she's saying.

When I think back to before I had children when I was young and newly married I must have made some awful comments to people struggling to conceive. Things like 'have you considered adoption?' And 'have you tried relaxing?' I had no fucking idea, I really didn't. But I did care about these people and Imreally wouldn't have wanted to hurt them.

I will keep everything crossed that your treatment is a huge success OP Flowers

Viviennemary · 20/12/2016 19:53

I agree she doesn't sound very 'sweet' in view of her grossly insensitive comments about the fertility treatment. Is it right that she only met your brother in September and is already six weeks pregnant. I'd be a bit Hmm about that.