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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To warn DB that his GF might not be welcome at ours on Christmas day?

261 replies

KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 18:29

My DB is one of my best friends. He works in the emergency services so will be working christmas day evening - him, his gf and her two children are spending the day with my parents.

My parents are coming to me on Christmas day evening for drinks and nibbles and DB asked a month or so ago if his GF and her children could come, and I of course said yes.

Now the AIBU - she has recently announced she is in very early stages of pregnancy. I am undergoing fertility treatment. She is not at all sensitive to my situation (seems to put on a supportive front but makes a lot of comments that just aren't welcome). She did this at my DSDs birthday party two weeks ago and it bothered me a lot and I was quite upset by the time she left. I am happy for her but a little bit of sensitivity wouldn't go amiss, for example if she could not mention 'the bump' every five minutes (she's 6 weeks, there is no bump!). WIBU to ask my brother to keep her away if this is how she will behave?

I don't want to cause any problems with him so I'm tempted just to leave it, but I'm dreading having to face another christmas where I'm constantly reminded of our problems (last year DSD came to us from her mums on Christmas morning, sharing the wonderful news that her mum was pregnant. Happy for her, but a massive blow for me).

Also I know it sounds like I don't like the gf very much but I've tried really hard with her and I am also very nice to her. It's a very new relationship (met in september) so it's a lot to get my head around when DH and I have been trying for so long.

IABU aren't I? I can't actually ask her not to come

OP posts:

Willow2016 · 20/12/2016 19:57

She is really not sweet at all. For some reason she has set herself up in competition with you and making digs at your infertility is one way of getting 'one-upmanship' on you.
Maybe she is jealous of the realtionship you have with your DB but thats no excuse. Nothing of what she has said so far has been 'general banter about pregnancy' its all been about how much better than you she is at getting pregnant. It is pathetic.

Get DB to tell her if she doesnt stop making snide remarks then she isnt coming full stop. Why should your Xmas be spoiled by some person who is basicaly all 'me me me' and doesnt care for anyone elses feelings? Let her go home to her parents till DB is finished work.

If they do come and she starts again just say in a loud voice "Did you mean to be such a bitch or just dont you realise you are doing it"?

kittymamma · 20/12/2016 20:06

I would be interested in your parent's response to the fertility cost comment. I can imagine that went down like a lead balloon! She seems pretty nasty and spiteful, either that or really REALLY stupid. Who says something like that? Who thinks something like that?

It is pretty hard to talk to brothers about stuff like this. I have always been close to my DB but when his last girlfriend made some pretty rude remarks to me and started one-upping me (is so a word!) by buying gifts for my sister that were exactly the same as what I had just bought her but a better brand (DSis was 15yo), I couldn't bring it up with him. I didn't tell him till after they split and he was pretty shocked that he had never noticed it but agreed that he wouldn't have been very receptive to hearing it while they were together.

Really, I think your choice is to cancel completely or to let them show up. You need to be honest with her though, she can't keep getting off with these terribly rude comment without a polite but firm telling that it is not ok! Something along the lines of "You are being very insensitive"

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 20:08

I understand you are frustrated at your situations and envious at other people's pregnancies. It is only human, but a new pregnancy is a big and exciting thing for a woman and it really isn't fair to not let her enjoy her moment. There are always going to be pg women around and I think you just have to get used to the fact.

I just want to point out that I am not envious of other people's pregnancies. They are having their babies, not mine. Them being pregnant has no effect on me not being pregnant. Assuming that infertile people are envious of other people's pregnancies is actually quite insulting- I can be happy for others whilst still feeling sad about my situation. Which is why the majority can be happy about their pregnancies whilst still being respectful to those who are struggling.

Saying that I need to get used to people around me being pregnant is also a bit of a slap in the face - I don't live in a cave. I have happy strong friendships with many people who are pregnant and I am a supportive friend to them. We talk very openly about my infertility and their pregnancies without having to make comparisons, which is what my brothers girlfriend is doing and what is upsetting me.

OP posts:

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 20:11

Kitty - my mum definitely raised an eyebrow at me, but this is my brothers first serious relationship so we are all making allowances on the basis that he is happy. My parents are not fans of hers but she is a part of our family now and we will need to just let certain things go over our heads as long as my brother is happy.

OP posts:

bigbuttons · 20/12/2016 20:13

No, she is not sweet. She has only been with your DB for three months and she is pregnant? That's really not good.
Who on earth goes on and on about being pregnant at only 6 weeks ? Does she not realise that there is a high risk of miscarriage anyway?

She sounds like a complete bore and a bitch.

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 20:18

I honestly think that she is just oblivious about how to act in social situations. None of it seems like she is being intentionally bitchy when she says it (although maybe I am being naive).

Also when I say that she has blown up at people in the past, I mean my brother when he has tried to discuss other things with her (i.e. where they might live when they move in together, that she could look to get some part-time work etc) and she has told me outright that "it is not up for discussion". This just makes me feel that if he tried to ask her to tone down her comments a bit, she could accuse him of trying to filter what she says and make me out for being a terrible person who won't let her talk about it

OP posts:

haveacupoftea · 20/12/2016 20:24

kellyboo you do realise the PP don't actually know you, and are doing their best to advise you based on the little information they have. Tbh you sound determined to be insulted.

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 20:27

I do understand that yes - PP's don't know me, so why should they tell me that I am envious of other people's pregnancies and I will have to get used to it?

The majority of posters have been unbelievably kind, even those saying I always BU, and I have acknowledged that. But I am allowed to take offence at one post that makes a lot of assumptions about me that I find upsetting. None of the other posts have offended me, so how do I sound determined to be insulted?

OP posts:

MsJudgemental · 20/12/2016 20:29

What bigbuttons said. Tell your brother to have words about her gross insensitivity. How does he feel about his first proper girlfriend being pregnant after 6 weeks? Was it planned? How many other children does she have? How many fathers? Probably get flamed for this, but it doesn't bode well for them.

PollytheDolly · 20/12/2016 20:30

Awww totally get why you feel this way but she's excited and probably can't help herself. Maybe your DB could have a quiet word?

Hope you all have a fab Christmas x

Coffeerun · 20/12/2016 20:33

Erm, I don't think she's pregnant after 6 weeks, she's 6 weeks pregnant. Why are you questioning about her existing children and their father/s. I presume the ops brother knew she had children and I presume she didn't get pregnant on her own.

Op in light of your more recent post yanbu. She sounds very insensitive. Saying anything might end in a row though?

What do your mum and dad think about her comments?

yellowfrog · 20/12/2016 20:33

haveacupoftea - are you reading the same thread as the rest of us? Everyone else seems to think the OP has a point, so you're rather in the minority thinking she's the problem

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 20:33

MsJudgemental he's scared but excited. She has two daughters from one previous relationship that ended on good terms. The pregnancy was not planned, but they are happy about it. I don't doubt that they will be great parents together (she really is a great mother to her two daughters) and I know ow a lot of people who have been in similar situations and have gone on to remain in very stable and happy relationships so I do have my fingers crossed for them that it all works out.

OP posts:

Gymnopedies · 20/12/2016 20:38

She sounds awful OP, please protect yourself and draw your boundaries.

OhSuckItUpDucky · 20/12/2016 20:38

You don't KellyBoo800 ignore them
If you can't speak to your brother directly could your mum or dad ? Just to say they've noticed , which your mother obviously has

EweAreHere · 20/12/2016 20:40

She doesn't sound sweet at all. She sounds deliberately hurtful and insensitive. No one is that oblivious, and she knows full well you're struggling to conceive.

I'd talk to your brother. Quietly ask for his help, but make it clear she will be asked to leave if she starts talking about how easy it is to get pregnant, how grandparents should be happy that all the other siblings could easily have children, etc. Just gross behavior.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2016 20:47

So she'd known your DB 6 weeks when she got pregnant and she's already being difficult and insensitive with his family? You know, in most relationships, you might even have met the OH's family after 12 weeks, let alone had a chance to hack them off.

She doesn't sound great. he certainly doesn't sound sweet. At all.

What a difficult situation for you OP, I sympathise. You know YABU to uninvite her but you are also NBU to not want her in your own home, upsetting you.

You have to talk to your DB and he has to have a word in her ear.

I hope you manage to have a nice and harmonious Christmas OP

mjgd · 20/12/2016 20:47

I think your being over sensitive about this. Be realistic, if you were in her shoes you would be excited too. Cut her some slack. You should be trying to bond with her as you could both end up with children close in age!!

yellowfrog · 20/12/2016 20:50

Unless I'm missing something mjgd, many people don't even share the news of the pregnancy so early as 6 weeks, let alone run their future SILs face in the fact? Since when did excitement excuse being a bitch?

Original poster

KellyBoo800 · 20/12/2016 20:52

mjgd I appreciate your enthusiasm, honestly, but we are only at the very beginning of fertility treatment and because my husband has a DD we do not qualify for a lot of NHS treatment. We have a 0.5% chance of conceiving naturally, so the odds are against us being parents for at least a few more years. But fingers crossed I would love our children to all grow up together.

I get that she is excited, but I just wish she could handle her excitement in a more sensitive way. It would be like gushing about being a newlywed to a recent widow. I don't begrudge her happiness but she is not being sensitive.

OP posts:

XiCi · 20/12/2016 20:54

Oh OK, I've changed my mind now I have read your updates. Its obviously alot more than just mentioning her bump! It sounds like you have been more than accommodating and that she is a manipulative piece of work. I'd be very worried for your brother! Hope Christmas night goes OK and that you get your own good news soon

Viviennemary · 20/12/2016 20:58

Sorry I don't agree. Yes you have to make an effort when somebody is 'family' which I'd say she is not at the moment. Why should you accept being hurt by this selfish, immature crass person. Keep a distance for the time being would be my advice. Forget the bonding. It's not the right time. IMHO.

CocktailQueen · 20/12/2016 20:58

They met in September and by December she's 6 weeks pg?? Blimey. Is your family - and brother - happy?

Just ask him to ask her not to mention her pg at all on Xmas. It's v early to have announced it, anyway, and she sounds like someone who could be 'professionally pregnant'.

Andrewofgg · 20/12/2016 20:58

My poor niece, who has wanted nothing out of life except a baby and knows it is not going to happen, went through this at Christmas six years ago when my nephew's GF was pg and very insensitive to her. She came through it - including her initial misery when her nephew was born - and is an adored and adoring aunt.

I wish you so well, but please don't force your brother to choose.

PurpleDaisies · 20/12/2016 21:03

You should be trying to bond with her as you could both end up with children close in age!!

That's a helpful thing to say to someone struggling to conceive.

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