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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"If you want to stay in touch with OW, then you're not welcome in mine or DH's life"

306 replies

BraveDancing · 20/12/2016 18:01

This is the message (paraphrased for brevity) that I've just received from the wife of a close friend from uni.

The OW in question is a very close friend of my OH. We are all part of the same big mob of friends. Apparently she and this guy were having an affair, which I knew nothing about. His DW found out today and sent a similar message to a number of mutual friends.

AIBU to really resent being dragged into a situation which is none of my business and none of my making? I get she's upset but I feel like she's trying to use me as a weapon to hurt the two people involved, and I dislike that intently.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 23:58

The person deserving of support is the person I am closest too.

And whilst your DH may not have shown any symptoms of being a violent cunt before, you can't honestly try to tell me that it was the adultery that turned him? Some people are violent, some are adulterers and some are both. But it's possible to have an affair and not be physically abusive

MorrisZapp · 20/12/2016 23:59

Of course adulterers can also be violent. But the adultery is adultery and the violence is violence.

They are two different things, I'm sorry for what you've been through.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 21/12/2016 00:00

And the OW owes the DW nothing. The husband betrayed her - if he was inclined to cheat he would have found someone to do it with, thinking otherwise is naive.

needsahalo · 21/12/2016 00:01

Shagging someone else is hardly comparable

Depression, low self esteem, inability to trust again, suicide, short, medium and long term mental health issues, children seeing one of their parents abuse the other, children feeling forced to defend one parent or to take sides, complexities of second marriages and blending families...none of that is of any consquence, eh?

Footinmouthasusual · 21/12/2016 00:02

Again so much mixing and projecting but I think that's quite understandable with a thread about cheating though.

needsahalo · 21/12/2016 00:04

Oh right, all that DV literature, research by police and charities that shows abuse and violence starting when relationships break down is wrong then?

Ok. I shall bow out. Need to sleep!

MorrisZapp · 21/12/2016 00:04

I'm from a blended family. So are half my friends. It's so normal as to draw no comment whatsoever. People separate. They meet others. They have more than one serious relationship in their lifetime and sometimes its messy. But separated parents are just as good as non separated parents, I should know.

needsahalo · 21/12/2016 00:06

Ok. So your experience is the right one. Mine is just...made up. Spend some time on the relationships board. Open your eyes.

MorrisZapp · 21/12/2016 00:06

I've no idea what your point is about violence and relationship breakdown is.

Violence is absolutely, always wrong. I'd ditch my best friend in a heartbeat if she battered her partner. But adultery itself isn't violence.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 21/12/2016 00:06

Again those are separate issues that can be present in or outside a relationship, and if the relationship breaks down for any reason.

You don't need to have been cheated on to go through that. And you can be cheated on and not go through that.

However, like Foot says, it's an emotive subject and one that a lot of people are understandably unable to discuss dispassionately

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 21/12/2016 00:08

needs Who said it was made up??? Ffs, I'm sorry about what you have gone through but you are projecting on this thread somewhat so it's pointless engaging with you.

MorrisZapp · 21/12/2016 00:08

Again no idea what your point is halo. I believe you, your ex is a violent, hateful bastard.

But I don't get why that means adultery is violence? I'm not saying you've made anything up, I just don't see a link with the subject of this thread.

altiara · 21/12/2016 00:22

I think it's strange the message came from the DW and not from the OPs friend.
If you take away the circumstances, OP is being dictated to by the person she has least to do with which is why it got her back up originally. With the circumstances, you can see why DW is reacting this way. But it would just make more sense for the DH to own up and say he knows he's putting you in an awkward position as a) he cheated on his wife and b) he would know your OH is best friends with the OW.
Agree with the plan of don't respond and see how it pans out.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/12/2016 00:36

Some posters have such suspect morals.

Cheating is in its very essence a form of abuse.

Personally i couldnt entertain being friends with being friends with someone who could do that to someone she was friends with. She's a disgrace. As is he.

Willyoujustbequiet · 21/12/2016 00:39

The ow was the wife's friend.....she owes her nothing???? Hmm

Im glad i dont have friends like that.

DixieNormas · 21/12/2016 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/12/2016 00:58

Yeah cut her
Some slack - today ! Jesus let her rage and don't make any fast judgements she must be livid

Pluto30 · 21/12/2016 01:02

I'm thinking that the wife thinks that the friend group all at least knew what was going on, and is probably feeling as much betrayed by them as she is by her DH.

And, honestly, I'd be surprised if no one in the group knew what was going on.

Shady shit.

EBearhug · 21/12/2016 02:15

I don't know what I'd do. I would ignore it for now - the text is just lashing out, if the wife only learnt about it today - plus Christmas is a bit of a weird, emotionally-charged time anyway.

Were I the OP, my loyalties would first be with my wife. I would expect her to remain loyal to the OW. I would want to stay loyal to the H, as he's an old friend, but I don't know how I'don't feel after this, whether I'd still want to. But it is the W who deserves most support. And if she takes him back (which she has currently, but may not stick to it when she's had time to reflect and learn more,) and she insists on her or OW, then it's going to break either the fronds hip between OP and H or the friendship between DP and OW - or it could put OP's own relationship at risk. Or a combination of all those.

There was never any way that an affair between two people in this group wouldn't cause massive upheaval when it came out - and eventually, they always do. I'd be livid with the H and the OW for being so stupid. An affair is never good, but the repercussions and feelings of betrayal in a close group like this will be much more magnified than if he had gone off and had an affair with a stranger - and you don't need much emotional intelligence to know this, so they knew what a risk it was.

If I were the OP, I'd be thinking about when I found out, compared with W, and if I knew before, am I complicit because I didn't tell her? What about DP? Did she know? When did she tell OP? I'm guessing she wouldn't tell W anyway. How will it affect OP's and DP's relationship? Is there any issue with knowledge which wasn't shared as soon as it could have been? What if DP insists on sticking with OW? Will OP be okay with losing H's friendship?

I'd hope that by not reacting, and Christmas and stuff, things will blow over a bit and at least the friendship ultimatum will be dropped. But it might not be. I don't know which way I'd go in that case, because I think it would depend just how much I would grieve for which relationships, and what conflict it might cause with DP if she wants to decide differently, because some preferences about who to side with won't be compatible with others. It might be I'd feel sufficiently angry with H that it wouldn't be so difficult to stick with OW. Or vice versa. But currently I'm not in any friendship group where I am so close to all the parties that I would feel so torn - all the couples and groups I know, I know one person more than the others, and I can't imagine not going with the friend. Although I did cut out an old friend because of how she treated her husband when they split. I'm not very tolerant of lying, and this was to a point I could not forgive.

I don't envy OP at all. Good luck with it all.

TheStoic · 21/12/2016 03:13

Very surprised that some people here would not classify cheating as abusive. One night stand - maybe not. But an extended period of lying, cheating and having sex with someone else? Of course it is. Especially if the cheater is still sleeping with the spouse, and risking their sexual health every time.

It's clear that it is NOT the OW that needs to be kicked into touch. Hopefully the wife will come to her senses after the initial shock settles.

smurfit · 21/12/2016 03:16

Slightly different situation but I've had the odd message from woman 'so and so is married you need to back off blah blah'. In the particular case I'm thinking of, I knew he was married and was hoping to meet his wife and be friends (I was new to town).

I just forwarded him the message and told him I didn't have time for their drama.

In this case, I would still forward the message and let the husband sort it out himself.

Livelovebehappy · 21/12/2016 07:49

She has every right to not want to associate with people who she feels have a connection to the OW, but I wouldn't have actually communicated that to everyone. I would have just backed off from people who I felt did still socialise with the OW because obviously she has the right to do so if she feels that's the only way to deal with the fallout from this. The thing she did wrong was actually putting it out there instead of just quietly retreating from the friendships.

Aderyn2016 · 21/12/2016 08:29

We tend to form friendships with people who see the world in broadly the same terms as ourselves, so if you view cheating as no biggie then you won't hold it against your friends if they do this. Personally, I think it is abhorent behaviour and causes so much more harm than cheaters like to acknowledge. I would find it very hard to see a friend in the same light if they could so callously do the things that an affair requires - the gaslighting etc.
Call me old fashioned but I think people do owe it to each other to be decent and neither the h or ow has been.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/12/2016 08:29

Why would anyone even react to a re t sent in such a moment of anguish

OP you don't seem to even give a shit about her to be honest - maybe she is better off without you

Chattymummyhere · 21/12/2016 09:05

Not sure I would want to be friends with someone ( the H or the Ow) who thinks it's ok to have an affair with a person in our group anyway regardless of who is the closest friend. Don't need people who are happy to shit on their friends like that in my circles. They both knew it would come out and could blow the whole group apart but clearly both of theirs sexual organs needing to be used was more important than any loyalties to anyone else in the group. Who needs friends like that.