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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"If you want to stay in touch with OW, then you're not welcome in mine or DH's life"

306 replies

BraveDancing · 20/12/2016 18:01

This is the message (paraphrased for brevity) that I've just received from the wife of a close friend from uni.

The OW in question is a very close friend of my OH. We are all part of the same big mob of friends. Apparently she and this guy were having an affair, which I knew nothing about. His DW found out today and sent a similar message to a number of mutual friends.

AIBU to really resent being dragged into a situation which is none of my business and none of my making? I get she's upset but I feel like she's trying to use me as a weapon to hurt the two people involved, and I dislike that intently.

OP posts:
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 21/12/2016 11:14

Horatio1 - I would find it hard and probably wouldn't cut out my best friend, but someone in my friendship circle, equal to the wronged party? Absolutely. Despicable behaviour from the DH and the OW and yes I judge.

It's almost like you think it's worse that I could do that, than that a husband could cheat on a wife with her friend.

BarbarianMum · 21/12/2016 13:07

Yes, especially the wife. He only slept with the OW once, how embarrassing for her to inflict her anguish and sense of betrayal on a group of people in her frienship circle. Stiff upper lip and all that Hmm

1horatio · 21/12/2016 13:10

Felicia

It's almost like you think it's worse that I could do that, than that a husband could cheat on a wife with her friend. I'm not sure why you think that.

I think cheating is awful. I also think that, from what we know, the main culprit in this story is the husband. So, I'd probably be a bit more understanding if the DW asked their friends to ice out her husband.

But more importantly, I hate being manipulated or forced to make personal decisions this way.

Yes, the wife is hurt and that does partially excuse this behaviour. But if somebody tells me that I have to do something or else they won't want to have contact with me anymore...?

1horatio · 21/12/2016 13:13

I do feel for the wife, this has to be awful. The betrayal and also the embarrassment (I, as somebody that has been cheated on and has now a very good relationship with their ex and the ex's new OH) am very glad that my ex did not embarrass me in such a way, yes.

But I wouldn't want to be forced to make a decision like this about any friend of mine.
And the wife sending messages like that... I just don't really get it. I understand that she's angry and hurt and that does excuse her behaviour. But I suspect she may be very embarrassed later (I would be).

1horatio · 21/12/2016 13:17

And in my personal opinion the wife's anger is just misdirected. Seeing as she apparently decided to stay with her husband this behaviour towards the OW doesn't seem justified.

Tenshidarkangel · 21/12/2016 13:24

Is there a chance she thought you knew? Irrational thinking could of caused her to think you did and maybe that's why she's acting out. :/

Blueberry1 · 21/12/2016 13:25

What about responding to your friend's wife with something like "I had no idea this was happening and I understand you must feel very hurt right now." and just leave it at that? You're not taking any sides and you're not agreeing to her request, but you have at least expressed some sympathy for the horrible situation she finds herself in.

1horatio · 21/12/2016 13:29

I had no idea this was happening and I understand you must feel very hurt right now." and just leave it at that?

I personally really like this suggestion.

Original poster
BraveDancing · 21/12/2016 13:29

Blueberry1 - I sent that last night. Now avoiding it all. I know I'm stupidly overemotional right now with pregnancy hormones and I don't think I'm a good person to be talking to anyone.

OP posts:
haveyourselfamerry · 21/12/2016 19:49

"OW has now sent a text round justifying her position. She’s calling it ‘an apology and explanation’ but it’s basically a justification."

Yuck!

Aderyn2016 · 21/12/2016 20:57

What is the wife supposed to do in this situation? The ow clearly doesn't feel at all sorry for her part in it all and there is no way the wife is going to tolerate seeing or having her h see the ow in social situations. Which leaves her where exactly? It really sucks for the OP, who has done nothing wrong, but I also can't see that the wife is wrong either to decide that she can't be friends with people who remain friends with ow. The usual advice given to spouses of cheaters is that they need to break off all contact with the affair partner if they are to stand a chance of fixing the marriage.
H and OW have really crapped all over their own doorsteps with this one and they have done this to the group and the OP more than the wife has.

Aderyn2016 · 21/12/2016 20:59

I suppose you could say that at least the wife has been upfront and honest in setting out where she stands. Probably from her pov, her friends have hidden the truth from her.

Livelovebehappy · 21/12/2016 21:17

If I was DW, I would walk away from the entire friendship group. It sounds like most of them don't get it that she's hugely embarrassed and humiliated and obviously cannot associate with the group if OW is going to be around. All she's doing is putting it out there that she will not keep in contact with anyone who still hangs out with OW, so basically laying her cards on the table. If I was a woman within the friendship group though, with a DH, I would be watching her like a hawk. Obviously her moral compass is practically non existent, so she wouldn't be worried about chasing after someone else's husband.

satinthedark · 21/12/2016 23:25

The husband betrayed her - horrendous
When you then find out it is a friend - it gets harder.
When you then find out that most of your group of friends knew but never told you - the feeling of isolation is horrendous.

YOu trust no one and have no one you think you can trust ot confide in. Believe me it is an awful place to be.

However, it is not all the fault of the DH - her friend knew, knew her and still did it. Both of them are amoral, scumbags - fucking your friends husband/wife is unforgiveable - to then justify it and make excuses is not the fault of the DH, just demonstrated what a scumbag piece of low life your friend actually is.

Let the dust settle, offer her support as in the suggested text and accept that the group of friends has forever been changed by two selfish skunks.

MercuryInRetrograde · 21/12/2016 23:30

Text her back to say that out of loyalty to her you won't ever talk to her husband again either!

Only joking. Obviously that would be a logical thing to do if you aren't allowed talk to the woman he had the affair with.

I agree with the poster upthread who said that maybe she's just making sure that everybody knows. so that history isn't re-written.

Original poster
BraveDancing · 22/12/2016 12:10

satinthedark - I genuinely don't think most people knew. I seriously had no idea.

But I get she is hurt and angry. She (W) actually texted me this morning to ask if she can pop round for coffee as I'm on mat leave and free. So, waiting with some trepidation.

OP posts:
Original poster
BraveDancing · 22/12/2016 12:13

Livelovebehappy - as I've never dated a straight man, I am speaking from a place of ignorance here, but that sounds kind of off to me. Men aren't property that can be stolen. No one can be induced to be unfaithful, surely. If your H is going to cheat, he's going to cheat. Policing friends seems a bit weird to me. But I accept I'm not exactly the voice of experience here.

OP posts:
minipie · 22/12/2016 12:22

Ah Brave so did you say yes to the coffee?

Would she have been someone you'd meet for coffee before all this?

Tricky position for you. Hope she doesn't set any ultimatums or use you to rant at, on the other hand maybe she's just looking for some company and perhaps some reassurance that most people didn't know.

Original poster
BraveDancing · 22/12/2016 12:36

I did say "yes" because it felt like if I'd said "no" that would be me specifically shunning her because of the affair and no other reason. But we've never met one on one before - always groups or me/DW + her/H. So...kind of awkward. Confused

OP posts:
minipie · 22/12/2016 12:44

Yeah... Good luck!

By the way, thread is getting pretty identifiable. Hope the W isn't a MNer but you might want to be careful what you tell us here just in case she is...

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 12:45

Okay well allowing her to come for coffee is just going to involve you even more, its naïve to think otherwise. Well played OP - you will be far more involved now...

Original poster
BraveDancing · 22/12/2016 13:27

LiviaDrusillaAugusta - argh. Eeep. You think so? I thought cutting her dead would be cruel. And the identifiable point is good too.

I may report to MN.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 22/12/2016 13:45

See her but if she steers the conversation around to the affair just gently say that you want to stay out of it and not hear the details as you are going to remain friends with all concerned and will say the same thing to everyone.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/12/2016 13:57

Right OP, just to answer to your reply to me - I wasn't sure which sex you were originally, hence my response. Don't try to make me out to be homophobic as I'm nothing of the sort and know a few friends who've had same sex relationships and relationship breakdowns.

To the others yes The H and OW should have been having words with themselves re an affair however this rarely happens.

Hope once all the fallout is over you can all get back friendships or be amicable etc.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/12/2016 13:59

Good god no to coffee too especially as you've never met one on one before.

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