"If you want to stay in touch with OW, then you're not welcome in mine or DH's life"

[BraveDancing]

This is the message (paraphrased for brevity) that I've just received from the wife of a close friend from uni.

The OW in question is a very close friend of my OH. We are all part of the same big mob of friends. Apparently she and this guy were having an affair, which I knew nothing about. His DW found out today and sent a similar message to a number of mutual friends.

AIBU to really resent being dragged into a situation which is none of my business and none of my making? I get she's upset but I feel like she's trying to use me as a weapon to hurt the two people involved, and I dislike that intently.

[BraveDancing]

Eevee77 - because if I engage with her message I'm worried I won't just be offering support, I'll be dragged into this hideous ultimatum thing. Which ppl are rightly saying is a bad idea right now..

[Goingtobeawesome]

I'd be sending supportive messages. If you truly mean them.

[SuperFlyHigh]

To be quite honest I'd be reassessing or hoping my DH did, his friendship with OW. Quite a shitty thing to do and place his DW in this situation.

But yes let the dust settle.

I have a feeling your DH would stay friends with OW anyway.

[SuperFlyHigh]

What Going says is best, supportive non judgmental messages.

[Manumission]

WTS^

With luck she'll redirect her rage to the correct place soon enough.

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

Super I think OW and the OP's OH are both women.

So many Os in that sentence!

[Viviennemary]

I think it's fair enough if thats how the couple feel. They don't want this woman in their friendship circle. Which is sensible if they are to make a fresh start. I don't think I'd want this type of woman in my friendship circle either.

[Footinmouthasusual]

Think this situation happens at least once as you get older to us all at some point.

I would ignore the specific text as it's so raw and lashing out and you can understand that.

Maybe over the next few days phone her to see how she is but obviously it's your ultimate choice who you speak to not hers.

[TheNaze73]

She's being unfair but, she's not thinking straight.

No idea why she's angry at the OW, it's her partner she should be fuming about

[sonjadog]

It sounded in the OP like it is her husband rather than her that you are friends with. If so, I´m not sure I would rush to offer a lot of support, apart from a general "Sorry to hear that". I´d leave that to her friends.

[AddToBasket]

Yeah, you are doing the right thing.

God, but she is so blind. How arrogant/desperate to think that you would take the moral high ground with the OW but not her DH!

And completely agree that you aren't the morality police.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Ridiculous to think that a woman chooses to stay with a philandering husband yet thinks they can stipulate friendships amongst a friendship group let alone dictate who will and won't be in her husband's life.

OP, it reads as if you are friends with the wife's husband - and your OH is friends with the OW of the husband. Is that right? I wouldn't respond, I'd just leave it for now, she's angry and hurt and trying to regain control and territory.

[BestZebbie]

If she feels that the person who she ought to be able to trust the most doesn't have her back, it is totally natural to want other people to 'prove' that they actually value her by providing a social penalty to the OW, who has hurt her (if she was dumping her husband she would probably like it to extend to him as well, but right now she is trying to attack external threats to the marriage because she hasn't had time to adjust her mental picture away from them as a team).

This (and in particular, the fact that you and your partner are going to stay friends with both of the cheats and cool on her) is exactly why people say that adversity lets you know who your true friends are.

[leaveittothediva]

Honestly, this has to be one of this worst things you can do is cheating within a group of friends, ffs, the fallout is bound to be spectacular. How can you blame this woman for being upset. People are going to take sides, and it's all going to be totally uncomfortable for everyone involved. Ignore her text. Don't comment either way, she's the person that's been made a fool of, don't make it any worse for her by texting comments back and forth. If you can't help, don't make it worse. OW is some friend.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

If she's looking for support she's going the wrong way about it. Being a twat to you may be because she's in shock but she's going to be feeling even worse when she realised she has no friends left. Her marriage troubles aren't your problem and taking it out on you would make me walk away from her in your position.

[FizzySweeties]

OP - whereas your reluctance to drop friends to suit someone else is completely understandable, and I know you said it's irked you - some of your responses do seem to be quite harsh towards the DW in the situation. e.g. "Timeforteaplease - well, if she wants to deal by acting like a mean girl and trying to use every mutual friend she has as a weapon, she can deal with all this by having fewer friends."

Good grief. Even if her DH is your best pal or whatever, of course DW is going to be consumed with rage and grief to think that people will carry on including the OW as though nothing's happened and her life hasn't been blown apart. Today!

[FizzySweeties]

Also, what she's trying to do is gain some control of the situation because all the control has been taken away from her today. No, she can't control other people and who they are friends with and her logical brain knows that, but her trust in her special relationships has been shattered and she is essentially trying to assert some authority over a situation she realises she has had no authority in, mainly that of wife, partner, lover etc exclusively to her husband.

She has been robbed of exclusivity and loyalty she thought she could take for granted and she's trying to find it elsewhere, for comfort. Don't be harsh.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

I have been in your situation and everyone stuck by the OW because frankly we could see why the DH chess red...

[OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay]

I think Fizzy has it

[KellyElly]

Is the wife a good friend or just a friend through her husband?

[BalloonSlayer]

Surely she just means if you hold a social gathering and invite the "whole gang" including this woman, as you always did in the past, and expect her to suck it up, she will take it badly.

Don't blame her.

Advice on here is usually that if a DHhas had an affair and wants to make a go of it with his wife, he must cut off all contact with the OW. She is asking you to help.

[Enidblyton1]

If you really are her friend, you should ignore what she has actually written and offer her support. She has had a horrible day and needs some kind words.

Yes, her message is silly and reactionary, but how would you feel in her position?

If my friend was hurting so much, I would cut her some slack.

Ultimately, it's never easy when you're all part of the same group of friends. But if you like this woman it would be really mean to ignore her message completely. You could still offer her support whilst making it clear that you don't want to take 'sides'

[BraveDancing]

Yeah, I'm realizing I've been harsh. I had a shitty immediate reaction.

To clarify - yes - my OH is a woman. But it's OK, I get I didn't make a particularly big deal of it in my OP. It didn't seem that relevant.

Backstory - I went to uni with the H. We were part of a close mob of friends then, then all moved away after uni. A few years later I moved to current home town for work. I was lacking friends here, but one of my old uni friends (not the H) was living here already and was involved with a hobby group and suggested I came along. I did, and met OH who was attending with OW who was (and is) her best friend. We all got on really well, and I got involved with OH (and moved in, got civil partnered etc) and generally integrated into that group. OW has been a friend for ages. When I was hospitalised due to a bad bipolar episode she was the person who kept OH afloat and fed her and drove her to the hospital and all that jazz. I won't say she's my best friend because she isn't, but I think she has supported my OH at times when I couldn't and I'd be really U to tell OH to end that friendship.

A couple of years ago the H and the W I've been typing about moved here for the H's work. He made contact with me and the other uni friend as we were the only people he knew in town and we got him and his W involved in our social group. I liked his W - still do - but there's no huge weight of history. But I accept that probably meant I was unsympathetic and mean and definitely should be more empathic. I had a huge angry flare up because I got a load of her anger to the face, but I was being unfair.

[shinynewusername]

Well I thought you were being totally U in your OP, but now I think you're fab for actually listening to advice and reconsidering

[BraveDancing]

BalloonSlayer - I didn't get the impression that she meant that. She seemed to want us to all kick OW to the kerb. But you are right - it's likely to be a fairly hideous set up either way - we tend to have regular big group gatherings and I imagine it wouldn't be much fun for the W to either sit at home knowing it was going on, or suck up OW being there.

Gah. I don't get why the hell OW and H were so bloody stupid and selfish. I am pissed off with them too and have no idea what the fuck they were thinking.