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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"If you want to stay in touch with OW, then you're not welcome in mine or DH's life"

306 replies

BraveDancing · 20/12/2016 18:01

This is the message (paraphrased for brevity) that I've just received from the wife of a close friend from uni.

The OW in question is a very close friend of my OH. We are all part of the same big mob of friends. Apparently she and this guy were having an affair, which I knew nothing about. His DW found out today and sent a similar message to a number of mutual friends.

AIBU to really resent being dragged into a situation which is none of my business and none of my making? I get she's upset but I feel like she's trying to use me as a weapon to hurt the two people involved, and I dislike that intently.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 14:09

Of course you will be more involved - so when she turns up on your doorstep every five minutes don't be surprised (bitter experience here)

Especially with you being on mat leave - you are a sitting target

minipie · 22/12/2016 14:17

I was going to suggest that you could see her for coffee but just make it clear you don't want to talk about H and OW.

However it's going to be hard to make conversation where it doesn't crop up... "What are you doing for Christmas" "Well we were going to have my family over but since H is in the spare room at the moment that will be difficult" etc etc.

PortiaFinis · 22/12/2016 15:10

Holy shit, would people really not have coffee with this woman?

She's moved cities and her husband has had an affair with one of her friends and it's Christmas - you'd really say no, or that you won't listen to her?

You don't have to agree with her, you can gently say that you won't be cutting OW from your life however much of a dick she had been but surely you would still let her talk? it doesn't mean you have to take sides but she must be feeling fucking awful right now.

Aderyn2016 · 22/12/2016 15:13

I agree it would have been cruel to say no.
I think that no matter what you say or do, at some point sides are going to be taken. I wouldn't avoid discussing the affair, what would be the point? She is coming round specifically to discuss it! I would be honest with her. It's time someone was. Tell her you are between a rock and a hard place, that your oh is best friends with ow and wont just cast her out, and that it would be unfair to do so given the h is getting to keep his marriage and friends. Tell her after today you won't talk to either side about the affair because you dont want to gossip about your friends but that you know she has been treated badly and you are sorry for it. Offer her practical help if she needs it. I think that is the best you can do in the circumstances.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 15:28

She isn't friends with the OP in her own right

She sent a snotty text to the OP

She presumably has her own friends

She could potentially drag the OP into the drama and OP is going to be conflicted between her and the DH/OW.

But its too late anyway, she will probably be round the OP's house all the time.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 15:30

And, again from bitter experience, she will sit there and say the same things over and over again and you will be expected to take her side and slag off the DH/OW. If you want to be fully involved, then great, but things will get far worse for you if you let her into your life.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 15:31

And cutting her dead might be the best thing for you and your family - at the moment that should be your priority. The DW/DH/OW drama isn't of your making but it is chaos that you could probably do without.

minipie · 22/12/2016 15:36

Livia as I recall OP has said the W doesn't really have other friends locally.

I think it would be pretty harsh to say no to coffee.

You can say you're very sorry the affair happened but you don't want to talk about it or get involved.

And if she wants to meet up every couple of days you can be busy (it's Christmas after all).

There is a middle ground between cutting her dead and becoming her sole confidante/ dragged into the drama.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 15:44

Okay by all means say you don't want to talk about it - good luck with that...

If she has no friends locally then even more reason to avoid her, or else you risk her expecting your help and support all the time.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 15:45

And she DID send a ridiculous text which started all this off. One minute she is saying you can only be friends with her and her DH if you cut the OW out, and now she wants to be your mate? Fuck that - I would prefer not to be dragged into other people's shite.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2016 15:47

Livelovebehappy, that is complete twaddle. Since when does a woman have to 'keep tabs' on her husband? Since when is it the responsibility of OW to ensure that married man doesn't stop running when 'she chases him'? Hmm

Honestly, the absolute tosh that's spouted on threads about infidelity. I'm not at all surprised at the amount of cheating if this is how some women behave keeping their husbands 'to heel' like some kind of possession.

Blame your husbands/boyfriends when they cheat; ignore and hate the OW all you want but if you dance the 'pick me' polka then you're a hypocrite.

PortiaFinis · 22/12/2016 16:10

I don't get all this.

I'm not going to stop being your friend if you are the OW but I'm not going to think you are being a shiny example of humanity either. Yes, the cheater is the person breaking vows but the person they cheat with (if that person is aware that they're married) is also being a bit of a dick and pretty selfish.

A person who has just found out that their spouse is cheating on them is going to feel like absolute shit - surely most people would have sympathy with them, not to the point of wanting to cut out a friend but at least to the point of letting them vent, reassuring and listening to them and being able to excuse a text sent in the immediate aftermath of discovery.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 16:14

But the OP is only friends with the wife through her partner's relationship with the husband. So why expend all that effort (because it will be, she is likely to cling to the OP as a listening ear/shoulder to cry on)?

Also, if they want to stay friends with the DH/OW that is going to be awkward if they know the wife has been spilling her guts to the OP.

The OP is pregnant - I would imagine the last thing she needs is to be swept up in all of this. By going for a coffee, she is opening the door on all kinds of drama.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 16:16

And presumably she has friends that she can phone/visit, even if they aren't local? Although if not, I would question what sort of person she was anyway.

1horatio · 22/12/2016 16:31

I don't like the W's actions.

She can't controle who you are friends with, she shouldn't try to do so.

However, it does sound like she and the OP are more than just acquaintances. And having a coffee, being polite and telling her that you won't back up anybody can't hurt, right?

The W should appreciate the honesty, I think.

Willyoujustbequiet · 22/12/2016 16:45

I disagree. I think the W is entitled to choose who she associates with and is making her conditions clear. Perfectly reasonable in the situation.

If any of my friendship group had an affair with the dh of one of the other friends I couldnt stay friends with them.

1horatio · 22/12/2016 16:50

Yes, the W is allowed to make that choice.

Not to force others into making one by giving them an ultimatum (or whatever the English word is).

FelicityGubbins · 22/12/2016 17:01

I wouldn't take the wife's text as anything more than making sure that the gloss of the affair (and ability to downplay/deny) was wiped away and that her dh and by extension the ow were both very publicly made aware that there were going to be serious repercussions to their actions.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 17:02

And having a coffee, being polite and telling her that you won't back up anybody can't hurt, right?

The W should appreciate the honesty, I think.

Highly unlikely. Anyone who is capable of sending that kind of text a couple of days ago is not going to meekly agree to the OP not taking sides.

Aderyn2016 · 22/12/2016 17:24

Livia, you sound really cold.
Unfortunately the OP and her oh are dragged into this whether they choise to be or not, simply because it is their friends who have behaved so badly.
I do think the wife is trying to get the lay of the land by meeting you. There is room here to be kind to someone who has had their whole life trashed, the week before Christmas. She will want to talk about it. I honestly don't think it would be wrong to listen and tell her where you stand. You will be behaving with integrity, which she deserves. I can't believe people so snotty over a text she sent the day she found out .

1horatio · 22/12/2016 17:28

Livia

Maybe...?

It shouldn't she be appreciative that somebody may be ok with letting her ramble a bit? Or if the OP tells her she didn't know,,,?

I don't see that as meekness. That's just being a decent and rational human being.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 17:30

Not cold - just had experience in this. Only this was a group of colleagues (two were married, then one slept with another colleague) and I had months and months of the wife turning up on my doorstep every weekend, phoning me at 2.00 am to cry etc, and she went on and on about it.

I had a lot going on in my life at the time and tried to gently explain many times that I didn't want to take sides but she wasn't deterred by that. She used me, like the wife is intending to use the OP.

If the OP is happy to be dragged into it, then fabulous.

But don't expect the wife to just say "ok I understand you won't take sides, so how's the weather been".

If she does then great, but it doesn't seem to have occurred to the OP.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/12/2016 17:32

And a mutual friend of her, DH and OW is not the person to be "rambling" to. That is unfair on the OP. The wife's marriage is not the OP's problem, and they are friends with the DH and OW anyway, not the wife.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/12/2016 17:32

OP, I would suggest that if you are going to see her, that you see her somewhere neutral, supermarket coffee shop or something like that. This isn't your mess or responsibility to clear up. It's a horrible thing to have happened but that doesn't mean that people who barely know her, who are friends with her husband, have to be her confidantes.

You can certainly disengage with husband and his OW but that doesn't mean that you have to form alliances with the wife - and I absolutely wouldn't. I'd make coffee a quick reassurance that you didn't know anything, that you're now busy with the impending birth of your baby and that you wish her well. That's it.

There's nothing you can say that will comfort her so there's little point in stringing out a meeting. I wouldn't want to hear chapter and verse, she has her own husband (however wrong he is) for that.

Revealall · 22/12/2016 17:34

I think some of you forget the realities of the situation. It all very well being diplomatic and friends with both but actually how would you feel as the wife seeing the OW cropping up on Facebook, out with your friends, bythly going on as if nothing happened.
I think it will be very tricky for the husband and wife to make a go of it again with so many friends in common with the OW.

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