"If you want to stay in touch with OW, then you're not welcome in mine or DH's life"

[BraveDancing]

This is the message (paraphrased for brevity) that I've just received from the wife of a close friend from uni.

The OW in question is a very close friend of my OH. We are all part of the same big mob of friends. Apparently she and this guy were having an affair, which I knew nothing about. His DW found out today and sent a similar message to a number of mutual friends.

AIBU to really resent being dragged into a situation which is none of my business and none of my making? I get she's upset but I feel like she's trying to use me as a weapon to hurt the two people involved, and I dislike that intently.

And yes - I think that the long term lying and gaslighting that is required to enable someone to sustain an affair definitely constitutes abuse.

some ridiculous comparisons on here regards affairs.

Animal cruelty is agsinst the law and absolutely beyond the pale and unlawful.

Shagging another person while in s relationship could be seen as stupid, selfish twatty and immoral but it's perfectly lawful.

I think having an affair (knowingly hurting another human being) does make you a bad person actually. That the cheating spouse is worse doesn't exonerate you.

No, for the hard of understanding, I didn't say I wouldn't criticise a friend, nor did I say that she deserved it. However having spent the first few years of my life in a DA situation and then being raped at 15, I can assure you that cheating is NOT comparable, nobody deserves to be abused in any way. If you think DA is the same, I would be concerned for your general understanding of the world.

Why shameful? Do you have no inking of the extent of adultery? Gas lighting? Lying? Use of family monies on hotels and other frippery? Stalking? Having the cheated on person believing they are half round the twist? If these 'symptoms' were mentioned without the suggestion of adultery, there would be screams of abuse, LTB, and call Women's Aid..but it's fine alongside adultery 'cos, you know, we don't judge people and who knows what the marriage was like

Do you have no inking of the extent of adultery? Gas lighting? Lying? Use of family monies on hotels and other frippery? Stalking? Having the cheated on person believing they are half round the twist?

^ this

The shagging is actually the smallest bit of it. The gaslighting etc is abusive. Abuse doesn't have to leave marks to be real.

I also have plenty of experience of DA etc. I stand by what I said.

Okay well it's fairly pointless having a discussion with someone who has decided that, as there was an affair, there was also stalking etc. If you are going to make random shit up, then we go into extremely weird territory

It's tantamount to domestic violence but we should support women choosing to stay whilst castigating the ow who did not lie to or gaslight the wife? The violence analogy just doesn't work. If it was the same as violence, we'd fully expect the wife to protect her children by leaving.

But if you can't see the difference between cheating and criminal acts, then I think you must spend an awful lot of time being confused at the world...

That was to the PPs not Morris

Ok that's just barking mad. Stalking? Money? Wtf?

Who knows what went on - I certainly don't.

And the wife has obviously decided to stay with her DH so either it is something forgiveable so she can perhaps stop vilifying the OW while playing happy families with her DH or it isn't forgiveable in which case she throws him out.

And my own view on affair discovery threads is generally LTB. It isn't CTW - castigate the woman.

Absolutely. I don't believe every woman deserves support just for having a vagina but if you forgive the person who has committed to you, it's stupid to heap all the vitriol on someone who owes you nothing

Exactly livia, the woman in the op gets a free pass due to her current situation but there's no excuse for pp on this thread.

If it's truly abusive, why 'support their marriage'.

Nobody knows yet whether she's choosing to stay, not even her - she only found out today.

Personally I would support a woman who wasn't able to leave an emotionally abusive man in exactly the same way as I'd support a woman who wasn't able to leave a physically abusive man. I don't 'expect' abused women to do a particular thing (no matter how much I may want them to).

The person who has behaved the worst here is the H, there is no doubt about that at all. And he will have had to lie to his wife, over a long period, in order to sustain an affair. It wouldn't have been possible otherwise.

And who the hell has talked about 'supporting their marriage'?

livia agree with you.

Thankfully in this country adultery isn't against the law and none is bloody stoned for it!

I speak as one who wouldn't dream of cheating but equally couldn't possibly comment on anyone else's relationship with such black and white certainty.

Lots of pp, on the first and second pages. Apparently after an affair the best way forward is to band tighter together and freeze out ow from friendship circles. This reflects real life too, where women pay the price socially for affairs while married men keep the hearth and home.

If my friend drove at 32mph in a 30 zone I'd be far less judgmental of them than if they cheated even though only one of those things is illegal.

From a morality point of view, the suggestion lawful is ok and unlawful is not ok is simplistic and naive.

So adulterers don't commit acts of violence against their partners? Ever? My husband didn't physically abuse me on his way out? Didn't slam car doors into my pregnant stomach or punch me? You would be aware of the literature that exists around abuse which starts at the point relationships break down? Did I imagine my ex parking cars over my driveway, driving up and down my road, parking 'accidentally' alongside me 5 floors up in a multi-storey? More than once? I must have imagined him slamming me into walls, perhaps? Never laid a finger on me in 12 years, perfect gentleman, decent, kind...but was a beast once cornered...this is not an uncommon experience, there is plenty to draw on if you care to look. But you think it's weird territory

Now, which friend might need the most support RIGHT NOW? Not long term, but now, as this plays itself out? Who might need to feel that there are people willing to support and not judge or say 'well, you might be a bitch for all I know so I'll just be friends with my original friend'?

Yes candlestick, I agree.

Morris - I very much disagree that the OW should be frozen out to save the Hs marriage. Personally I'd be cooling my friendship with both of them, and hoping the W left him. I would find it difficult to socialise with him and W in future knowing that he was happily carrying on while his affair-partner wasn't, and that he didn't care. I'd really fucking judge him for that.

Candle well we all have different moral compasses. Driving over the speed limit could potentially injure or kill someone (taking it to the extreme), hence why it's illegal. Shagging someone else is hardly comparable.

Someone can be violent without being an adulterer FFS.... they are two different issues.

castigating the ow who did not lie to or gaslight the wife

If you are having an affair with your friend's husband, you are lying and gaslighting. No?