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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"If you want to stay in touch with OW, then you're not welcome in mine or DH's life"

306 replies

BraveDancing · 20/12/2016 18:01

This is the message (paraphrased for brevity) that I've just received from the wife of a close friend from uni.

The OW in question is a very close friend of my OH. We are all part of the same big mob of friends. Apparently she and this guy were having an affair, which I knew nothing about. His DW found out today and sent a similar message to a number of mutual friends.

AIBU to really resent being dragged into a situation which is none of my business and none of my making? I get she's upset but I feel like she's trying to use me as a weapon to hurt the two people involved, and I dislike that intently.

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 21:03

1horatio Grin Its honestly a mystery to me!

SarcasmMode · 20/12/2016 21:06

She's got no leg to stand on being a cheater.

I'd cut her out instead - if she wants to stay with a cheating partner that's fine but it's not her place to tell others what to do.

I could even understand if you were just casual friends with OW but as you are close she's got no right. Not that she has a right anyway...

needsahalo · 20/12/2016 21:06

I wouldn't want to be friends with the cheating husband! Bloody cheek that it's the ow that has done something wrong and not him!

The OW is the wife's friend. If someone you called a friend had an affair with your husband, you would be OK with that?

SarcasmMode · 20/12/2016 21:08

Ah but see missed she's just found out.

I would just ignore.

If she's saying the same in weeks/months time.

cherryblossomcarpet · 20/12/2016 21:09

She isn't telling anyone what to do, she is saying that she doesn't want to remain in contact with anyone who is in contact with OW. I can understand that. You are free to be friends with whoever you want, and so are they.

I'm afraid you just have to suck up whatever her decision is. If her and her DH choose to cut you off because OW remains a friend that is up to them. Affairs are very destructive. They destroy marriages, fracture friendship groups, and lose people their jobs. Doesn't make them lose their appeal though Hmm

Aderyn2016 · 20/12/2016 21:10

Your dp isn't going to give up her best friend because your friends wife wants her to. Her loyalty will rightly be with her best mate, even though she has royally ballsed up. The best that can happen is that you will see both ow and your friend seperately, but more likely is that your friend, if he wants to save his marriage, will no longer be able to associate with anyone who associates with ow. The wife will make him choose - that will be the yardstick by which she judges his commitment to her. How much is he willing to lose in order to keep her. Frankly I wouldn't blame her for that - it is a situation entirely of his own making and imo she can make him pay for it however she sees fit. Frankly, whatever he loses is a fraction of what he has caused his wife to lose.

Unfortunately, the utter selfishness of your friend and ow means that you get thrown under the bus, even though none of this is your fault. Tbh, I'd struggle to maintain a friendship with ow when her behaviour resulted in this shit storm and helped cost me a friend!

Really sorry for you and your other mutual friends but I can't see this having any good result. Please don't blame the wife for this - she is the victim.

1horatio · 20/12/2016 21:13

need

Would I want to be fried with somebody that had an affair with DH? That actually honestly depends. There are a few friends where the answer would be 'maybe'. If a relationship can 'recover' from that a friendship could as well...

If the friendship was important enough to go to 'friendship counselling' and have honest talks etc? Why not. I think I'd be much more hurt by DH's betrayal. So that would require more work to... well at least kind of rebuild.

1horatio · 20/12/2016 21:14

But no, I wouldn't be 'ok' with that.

Junebugjr · 20/12/2016 21:16

Had similar myself, but without the demanding email. I was your OH in the scenario.

The wife can be excused as she's just found out. And probably not thinking straight at the mo.
And try and keep out of the circus as much as possible. Which is easier said than done, as others will want to drag you into it.
In our situation, All parties have managed to keep friendly, although meet ups still remain difficult.

needsahalo · 20/12/2016 21:20

I sincerely hope you never have to find out. Pragmatism out the window. The wife would likely find you cold and uncaring. It is pretty shit to just stand back and say this kind of behaviour is somehow OK. It isn't. Ever.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 21:24

Why is it that wives who are cheated on are automatically assumed to be perfect? I'm sure both sides had their faults

Sunflowerspread · 20/12/2016 21:25

I kind of cringingly feel for her.

It's a bit OTT, and she'll be embarrassed later and might try to stick with it. It just shows the huge pain she is in.

Play it by ear as time goes on.

Candlestickchick · 20/12/2016 21:25

fizzysweets had it bang on on page 2.

OP, the pain this woman (the wife) will be experiencing right now is indescribable. Your annoyance at her message utterly pales into nothing by comparison with her suffering right now, and her reaction is irrational but understandable. Your initial reaction lacked empathy and I'm pleased you've rethought it.

No you don't have to ditch the OW, however in this situation, I would be keeping the OW at arms length till it had died down (as I would the husband. They both sound like a pair of dicks).

Pluto30 · 20/12/2016 21:28

Why is it that wives who are cheated on are automatically assumed to be perfect? I'm sure both sides had their faults

Er, because regardless of faults, you don't go behind your wife's back and sleep with your mutual friend? I dunno, seems like common sense to me.

Christ.

Candlestickchick · 20/12/2016 21:28

livia who said the wife was perfect? I'm quite sure she's not, but I don't subscribe to the view it's ok to cheat on someone imperfect. Unless there's some fairly major undisclosed behaviour here on the part of the wife, she's very obviously the victim here.

needsahalo · 20/12/2016 21:29

Why is it that wives who are cheated on are automatically assumed to be perfect? I'm sure both sides had their faults

Yeah, let's tell her she's a bitch who deserves the distress and humiliation. That'll help.

Friendship seems to mean so little to so many. Some kind of sign of the times?

Sunflowerspread · 20/12/2016 21:31

Yes I've been cheated on in the past, and at couple counselling there was this underlying assumption that there much have been a 'cause' in the relationship. Yes, he was a prat!

You wouldn't accuse a victim of violence of 'trying to come across as perfect' by describing his pain. The wife can have any number of personality traits, good and bad, she's still been hurt terribly.

Aderyn2016 · 20/12/2016 21:32

Livia, no one has said anythibg about the wife being perfect. People have faults, but the wife is the victim here. Her h has been fucking one of her friends, she doesn't know how many of her other friends colluded in deceiving her and she is understandably lashing out. She might not be perfect but safe to assume her h is a prick. Bad enough to cheat but with someone in her friendship group? The fallout is hideous for everyone.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 21:34

I'm not saying the wife deserved it but it just seems that there is an assumption that someone who is cheated on is totally faultless. and as painful as it can be, you can't compare it to violence

Junebugjr · 20/12/2016 21:34

No Livia, am sure she deserved it Hmm ffs.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 20/12/2016 21:35

needs surely the opposite is true, the OP and her wife will want to stay friends with their original friends most likely, even if they have made mistakes. I would tell a true friend they were making a very bad mistake and encourage them not to continue, but I would keep friends with them (and have). Of the friends I've had for 30 odd years, most of them have done something stupid over the years or stayed with someone who has (not all in their current marriages, I'm including before then). Not ideal but I tend not to judge in friendships, or at least, I judge but not enough to break the friendship and have heard many a confession over the years.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 21:37

Err is 'I'm not saying the wife deserved it' difficult to understand? Confused

If I had a close friend who's partner cheated on them, I would be furious with the one who cheated. If I was close to them both I would support the one I was closest to iyswim.

PurpleMinionMummy · 20/12/2016 21:51

Why does it matter if the wife had faults? If you don't like your partners 'faults' you leave. You don't cheat and use it as lame justification for doing so (unless you're the cheater of course, in which case many do)

needsahalo · 20/12/2016 21:53

needs surely the opposite is true, the OP and her wife will want to stay friends with their original friends most likely, even if they have made mistakes

I get that. But that's very different to trying to lay the blame at the feet of the woman who has been cheated on, which is what some are trying to do. Surely that friendship should mean something too? At least enough to comiserate, provide initial emotional support even if you have to choose sides in the long term.

Still, it is true that in these situations, you find out who your friends are. Or not.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 21:56

I don't think anyone is blaming the wife, just acknowledging that she probably isn't perfect either, the OP and her OH are friends more with the man and the OW - they owe sod all to the DW and that email won't get her much sympathy or support