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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"If you want to stay in touch with OW, then you're not welcome in mine or DH's life"

306 replies

BraveDancing · 20/12/2016 18:01

This is the message (paraphrased for brevity) that I've just received from the wife of a close friend from uni.

The OW in question is a very close friend of my OH. We are all part of the same big mob of friends. Apparently she and this guy were having an affair, which I knew nothing about. His DW found out today and sent a similar message to a number of mutual friends.

AIBU to really resent being dragged into a situation which is none of my business and none of my making? I get she's upset but I feel like she's trying to use me as a weapon to hurt the two people involved, and I dislike that intently.

OP posts:
haveyourselfamerry · 20/12/2016 20:11

I was in W's situation 23years ago with my then boyfriend. Well, not the same -we were 23 years old, etc,etc. But you get the point.

What I would really have appreciated would have been reassurance that his family/friends hadn't known. Do others think it might be nice to reassure W that you and your OH had no idea?

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/12/2016 20:12

Id cut the wife some slack and have some compassion.

If i were in her shoes I'd want to issue ultimatums like that too. Yes her dh is to blame but life is not that black and white and she may have decided to stay for any children.

Personally I wouldnt want to keep friends who didn't show me some loyalty as they're fairweather.

Be supportive but it either way you will lose someone.

needsahalo · 20/12/2016 20:12

No idea why she's angry at the OW, it's her partner she should be fuming about

Wow...with friends like this...

1horatio · 20/12/2016 20:14

needs

But it's true. The OW didn't cheat on her, her OH did.

Yes, it was shith of the OW. But imo the most devastating betrayal clearly comes from her OH. And seeing as she's apparently willing to stay with him..

Liiinoo · 20/12/2016 20:17

It is pants when this happens in a big friendship group. We have had similar and it does put a strain on things. In one case the new partner put a stop to her OH seeing the group meaning friendships that had existed for over 40 years (all went to the same church nursery school) no longer exist.

In another instance it was all very civilised and we see our original friend and his new OH but also retain a very close relationship with his exW. But it is awkward as experienced recently when I drunkenly impulsively invited the new OH to a weekend away that the ex was already attending. Luckily the impossibility of this occurred to us both simultaneously and we instantly agreed it would not be a good idea!

BestZebbie · 20/12/2016 20:17

1horatio: the OW actively conspired with and facilitated the husband betraying, with full knowledge that this was what she was doing - that is still an active act of aggression against the wife, not just 'a bit shit'.

1horatio · 20/12/2016 20:20

Yes, but compared to what the OH did it is just 'a bit' imo.

I personally have never been the OW and don't want to ever be. It's shitty behaviour.

But the OH cheating is so much worse imo that I can't help to think that the anger is a bit misplaced.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 20:21

OP You don't owe the DW anything - and sending that message would have really fucked me off.

I have never judged the morals of my friends - it's no odds to me what they do in their love lives so the DW is taking her upset out on the wrong people

haveyourselfamerry · 20/12/2016 20:22

''Tis very sad. Have the married couple been together long? Children?

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2016 20:22

I expect she's hurt and humiliated. I'm also sure she's also wondering who's known all along and suspects your OH did (being as she's the best friend and all). I'd give her a break.

haveyourselfamerry · 20/12/2016 20:23

God what a shitty Christmas for W.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 20:24

And ime spurned wives can go a little batshit memories of one in particular who put a brick through her DH's car window because she thought he was cheating... he wasn't so probably best to avoid her and let her get on with it without getting involved!

ImprovisingNow · 20/12/2016 20:25

Having been the wife in this situation (thankfully a few years ago now), the thing which pissed me off the most was the number of our mutual friends who had been complicit in my exH cheating. He used to take his various OW to supper with them and to parties at their houses whilst he pretended he was at work and no-one said anything to me because they took the line they did not want to get involved and it was none of their business. Sometimes they were seeing him and OW one day and him and me the next. One of them had been a bridesmaid at our wedding 20+ years before.

Actually I took the view then and still do that by keeping schtum they did make a choice and that was to aid and abet him in basically abusing me. I cut off all those so-called friends once I discovered this. I can absolutely understand why the wife sent this email.

haveyourselfamerry · 20/12/2016 20:28

I agree.
I think the one thing OP can do to help is tell W that she (OP) had no idea.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 20:28

And unfortunately sometimes the one who cheats is the person that mutual friends like best so they won't break their necks to be loyal to the person who had been cheated on

AddToBasket · 20/12/2016 20:30

It isn't your drama and you are right not to get drawn in. Don't get too invested in it.

The DW was foolish to send that message but that's not really relevant.

I'd just try to be there for the OW who will no doubt be getting the frosty treatment from whichever of the DW's friends actually do decide to cut OW out.

coldcanary · 20/12/2016 20:34

Having also been in the wife's position (but kept quiet) about it I always wondered who knew and whether people were talking or laughing about me behind my back. Especially the ones who were his friends for longer. She'll have a desperate need to know who she can count on right now.
Some reassurance for a friend in a big black hole wouldn't go amiss I think.

Pluto30 · 20/12/2016 20:35

her H has been my close friend for a lot longer than I've known my OH, OW or her. We were mates at uni, so he does actually mean quite a lot to me.

He's also a swine, but ok.

needsahalo · 20/12/2016 20:38

But it's true. The OW didn't cheat on her, her OH did

The OW is part of their group of friends. Or is it now OK that we shit on our friends and just shrug our shoulders?

choli · 20/12/2016 20:39

I'd wait and hear the DH's story, and the OW's story, since they are your closer friends. Then you and your OH can make a more informed decision.

Pluto30 · 20/12/2016 20:40

The OW is part of their group of friends. Or is it now OK that we shit on our friends and just shrug our shoulders?

This. The woman isn't a stranger to this group. She deserves to be dragged over hot coals just as much as the husband does. Both are assholes.

glitterandtinsel · 20/12/2016 20:52

I wouldn't want to be friends with the cheating husband! Bloody cheek that it's the ow that has done something wrong and not him!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 20:54

Lots of people judging their friends.... the DW is taking it out on the wrong people

1horatio · 20/12/2016 20:56

Livia I kind of love you right now, or at least your comments.

Why do people judge other people's relationship like this?

1horatio · 20/12/2016 20:58

Sometimes it's kind of hard to say what one is truly thinking on threads like this (I didn't... lol, I'm a conformist sometimes...)

But it is true... sure, cheating is wrong and I do think the anger of DW see,s misplaced. But it's not my place to judge any of them.