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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"If you want to stay in touch with OW, then you're not welcome in mine or DH's life"

306 replies

BraveDancing · 20/12/2016 18:01

This is the message (paraphrased for brevity) that I've just received from the wife of a close friend from uni.

The OW in question is a very close friend of my OH. We are all part of the same big mob of friends. Apparently she and this guy were having an affair, which I knew nothing about. His DW found out today and sent a similar message to a number of mutual friends.

AIBU to really resent being dragged into a situation which is none of my business and none of my making? I get she's upset but I feel like she's trying to use me as a weapon to hurt the two people involved, and I dislike that intently.

OP posts:
needsahalo · 20/12/2016 22:03

If they are friends with the wife, to suggest she is owed 'sod all' is...vile. Loyalty is about more than longevity. Or should be.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 22:05

They are mainly friends with the DH and the OW...

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 20/12/2016 22:10

they owe sod all to the DW

Good grief, do we have to be so callous? The OP and her OH are friends with this woman, even if not as closely as with her cheating wanker of a husband (what a prize friend he sounds). It's not about owing her. It's about having some compassion for someone who has just found out her husband has been fucking someone in their friendship circle behind her back, and cutting her some slack - as the OP has already done.

Also, quite a few people in that friendship group might indeed give all their sympathy and support to the wife, regardless of her message. Even the OP's OH might. Being the OW's best friend doesn't mean she's bound to be supportive of this.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 22:12

If someone sends an email like that, I would imagine they won't get much support

MorrisZapp · 20/12/2016 22:13

Good work livia, the usual outdated sexist pish about freezing out an OW while the actual cheat gets to sit pretty and lose nothing at all.

Given that the op and her partner are close friends with the dh and the ow, why would they freeze out the ow? On the say so of someone who is staying with the actual cheater?

I give up. Well I don't really. I'll be a minority voice on this issue for as long as I'm on here.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 22:16

I didn't suggest that the OW should be frozen out - quite the opposite in fact Confused I'm suggesting that the DW doesn't automatically get support from people who are mainly friends with her DH and the OW...

jacks11 · 20/12/2016 22:30

Affairs have widespread ramifications which go beyond those immediately involved. If I were you, I'd be as angry with your friend and the OW as I was with the wife for sending that message, although agree it was unwise of her to have done so.

It sounds to me like your friends wife is lashing out- she only just found out today and is probably not thinking entirely straight. She may well be thinking, given that the OW is a member of their group of friends, that you all knew and may even have "aided and abetted" them. If that were true, it would just add insult to injury.

I should think it will be very difficult for the wider friendship group to go back to the way it was. It's not a nice situation and I can understand not wanting to take sides.

Whilst I agree with PP that the DW should be angriest with her "D"H as he is the one has been responsible for the greatest betrayal, I'd also point out that the OW was not a stranger but was friends (although presumably not close friends) with the wife- so has also betrayed her, although clearly to a lesser extent. Having an affair with a married person is always shitty behaviour, but to have an affair with a friends husband is a completely different matter.

MorrisZapp · 20/12/2016 22:34

Yes, that's why I said good work! Am agreeing with you.

Footinmouthasusual · 20/12/2016 22:36

I expect you were shocked too op to be fair and deer in the headlights.

Well done for your later responses

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 20/12/2016 22:37

I'd be on her side. Totally. And I probably would cut out the OW because I have no capacity to accept behaviour like that. I'd also not be able to talk to the DH again.

Yes, I am the morality police!

jacks11 · 20/12/2016 22:40

I think some people are missing out the OW was also friends with the wife in this situation. IMHO, this complicates matters. Clearly, the greatest transgression is the husband but the OW has also quite clearly betrayed a friend by having an affair with her husband. It's not the same thing as having an affair with a married person whose partner you don't know.

1horatio · 20/12/2016 22:41

Felicia

But why,..? We don't know what happened before... I mean, the wife may have done similar things...
And why would you cut out a good friend for cheating? [shocked]

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 22:41

Sorry Morris Blush

1horatio · 20/12/2016 22:41
Shock
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 22:42

I don't understand why people would judge their friends for doing that... I don't get to decide who my friends choose to shag...

MorrisZapp · 20/12/2016 22:46

My best friend is my best friend no matter what. She's like a sister to me, an absolute rock. Her husband is a nice enough guy but he's only on the very periphery of my life. I wouldn't dream of cutting her off or criticising her for her personal life. I'd counsel and advise but I'd never condemn. She'll always have my back, and it's mutual.

MummyStep123 · 20/12/2016 22:48

To be fair the people mainly in the wrong here are the inconsiderate dickheads who decided to have an affair knowing full well it would make things awkward for their friend group.
There's no way a friend group could stay intact after that.

1horatio · 20/12/2016 22:50

mummy

Of course they can!!

My ex was even part of my wedding party...

And I know that it has happened in DH's friendgroup...

jacks11 · 20/12/2016 22:50

Livia

Of course I don't get to chose who my friends shag. Equally, I don't think shagging a friends husband is acceptable behaviour.

You genuinely wouldn't think anything of a close friend having an affair with another friends husband? I'm not saying I would cease being friends with a very close friend who did this, but I don't think I'd just shrug it off as inconsequential either. Both the husband and the OW have trampled all over their wife and friend, respectively. Although clearly the husband's transgression was the greater of the two.

MummyStep123 · 20/12/2016 22:52

Wow good for you 1horatio I honestly think I'd be way to hurt if that ever happened. But I guess time heals all!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 20/12/2016 22:54

What Morris said ^^

I judge a friend by how they are with me (barring certain behaviours of course) - if I'm not close to their partner then why would I judge them for sleeping with someone else?

1horatio · 20/12/2016 22:57

mummy

I'm not sure what you mean. I didn't cheat with DH on my ex (that story was much more complicated).

But sure, thanks, I guess... Confused

Pluto30 · 20/12/2016 22:58

I judge a friend by how they are with me (barring certain behaviours of course) - if I'm not close to their partner then why would I judge them for sleeping with someone else?

Because it's not about you? Because it's about what's generally acceptable behaviour? Because being friends with someone who sees no problem fucking their wife's friend behind her back speaks to their general character?

Best hope something similar never happens to you, because I'm sure your true response would be quite different!

DixieNormas · 20/12/2016 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BestZebbie · 20/12/2016 23:01

Livia - So, people are only 'real' and capable of suffering if you know them personally and are close to them...if they aren't also your friend, they are disposable at the whim of people you do know? How peculiar.

Out of interest, where are the borders of "certain behaviours" which would affect your judgement of your close friends? Not cheating on their partner, so how about stealing from their granny? Starving their dog? Beating up a stranger outside a pub?