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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"If you want to stay in touch with OW, then you're not welcome in mine or DH's life"

306 replies

BraveDancing · 20/12/2016 18:01

This is the message (paraphrased for brevity) that I've just received from the wife of a close friend from uni.

The OW in question is a very close friend of my OH. We are all part of the same big mob of friends. Apparently she and this guy were having an affair, which I knew nothing about. His DW found out today and sent a similar message to a number of mutual friends.

AIBU to really resent being dragged into a situation which is none of my business and none of my making? I get she's upset but I feel like she's trying to use me as a weapon to hurt the two people involved, and I dislike that intently.

OP posts:
Original poster
BraveDancing · 20/12/2016 19:22

shinynewusername - oh thank you! I know I have an awful temper and am prone to really bad knee jerk reactions. But I do try and listen.

OH is coming home soon. Sad I am sort of dreading talking about this with her too.

OP posts:
StillSmallVoice · 20/12/2016 19:23

Not surprised you've had a huge reaction. Things will settle down, one way or another. To keep calm and not take sides is probably the way forward at the moment.

But I can see why you are so upset. It is a big conflict of loyalties.

Good luck. Flowers Brew (or do. Mean Wine?)

shinynewusername · 20/12/2016 19:25

Of course you mean Wine, StillSmallVoice - get a grip Wink

SuperFlyHigh · 20/12/2016 19:27

Olivia yes hadn't noticed that fact that OP is a man (or woman, it doesn't matter though, seems OP is a woman) whom it also turns out doesn't like to be told or advised to drop her friends...

Sorry OP but you sound a right card after all you now say re the OW and your OH being best friends and the OW supporting you (which is nice and commendable).

Sorry to say but I think OW should have thought of all this fallout before embarking on an affair with the H in this. I really do feel for the W in all this who's a totally innocent party and not surprised she's hitting out.

wilfrhodes · 20/12/2016 19:28

i think you could tell her you did not know. she may be thinking she is the last to know and that all friends were complicit with her DH and are therefore against her.

as others have said, this is all very new and awful for her, so she is trying to regain control over aspects of the situation. you should wait for the dust to settle there.

but in any case, sounds like you have picked a side.

GeekyWombat · 20/12/2016 19:34

Sorry to say but I think OW should have thought of all this fallout before embarking on an affair with the H in this. I really do feel for the W in all this who's a totally innocent party and not surprised she's hitting out.

What about the H? Is he a poor easily-led penis man in this?!

RitaCrudgington · 20/12/2016 19:37

People seem to be reacting as if the wife is OP's close friend when actually she isn't, she's just a woman OP has known for a little while who happens to be married to a close long term friend. Not only is the OP not being mean by not rallying around, it would actually be pretty inappropriate. If, heaven forbid I found out my OH was cheating on me, I'd want my best mates rallying round but I'd be a bit Hmm about his close friends muscling in with emotional support for me.

Yoarchie · 20/12/2016 19:43

Well since the OW is your DW's best friend it looks as though you will stay in touch with OW. It seems the person who sent you the message will therefore cut you off and you don't have a choice in this matter. You essentially lose a friend, the husband. The thing is, whilst this looks horrible from your POV and it is horrible, cheating has these sorts of repercussions. There are many, many victims, not just the person who got cheated on. My MIL was crying in a heap on the floor when one of her sons destroyed his family by cheating.

Manumission · 20/12/2016 19:43

So OW and the H have really, truly and magnificently "shat on theirbown doorsteps" then?

I'd be fuming with THEM.

Original poster
BraveDancing · 20/12/2016 19:43

SuperFlyHigh - I am a woman. Both OH and I are women. Women can have relationships with other women. It's a thing that happens.

sorry. Brief moment of frustration. Long history of people being weird about same-sex relationships. I know MN is 99% straight and I'm being stupid and touchy

I also am a bit Hmm about this idea that OH and I are shitty people for not immediately kicking an old friend to the kerb or for feeling that years of friendship and support in some really tough times counts too.

OP posts:
Original poster
BraveDancing · 20/12/2016 19:46

Manumission - I am. I definitely am.

I just haven't had any weird text messages from them. Right now I'm sitting here waiting for OH to come home and dreading this whole evening.

OP posts:
Manumission · 20/12/2016 19:47

Shitty people? Kicking to the kerb?

You don't need to join in with the ALL or nothing hysteria.

You DO need to accept no more more big group meet ups.

It's also possible to say "not your finest hour" to a friend without embarking on an estrangement.

Manumission · 20/12/2016 19:47

Hmm. Not sure why autocorrect has branched out into random capitalisation Smile

Manumission · 20/12/2016 19:50

FGS don't have a domestic over it. Why will this evening in your house be bad?

SaucyJack · 20/12/2016 19:55

You're not shitty people. You are grown-ups, and you can choose to stay friends with whichever side you like, for whatever reasons.

I get why you're upset at being dragged into this, but you're blaming the wrong person on your OP.

Whoever's fault this whole fuck-up is, it most certainly isn't the wife's.

1horatio · 20/12/2016 19:56

Ssup to you what you do about it, but the OW deserves any shite the wife wants to send her way to be perfectly honest.

I would have thought that her cheating husband is the one that deserves most of the shit...

But yes, staying out of it seems like the best way to treat this.

Original poster
BraveDancing · 20/12/2016 19:56

Manumission - possibly because I'm being melodramatic. Blush

I shall now get off MN, and stop it! Thank you all for the advice.

OP posts:
Bloodybloodyheckers · 20/12/2016 19:57

It's shitty, in reality what's likely to happen is the Wife will lose the friend group as its "OWs" group mainly and the wife is unlikely to ever want to associate with her. So the betrayal of infidelity and losing her friends 😔

I'd want to reply "Agreed I'll never see the total bitch that slept with your husband again and I'll never have anything to do with that cunt either because people that cheat whatever the reason are selfie destructive arse holes, but ill be here for you whenever".

But in reality if your OH owes the other woman you can't and won't.

I couldn't be in the same room as her though.

1horatio · 20/12/2016 19:57

Oh, and you dreading the talk with DW seems rather understandable.

Manumission · 20/12/2016 19:58

Good. And don't you and your DP fall into the business of picking sides. Not your circus. Don't let it cause trouble in your relationship Smile

WhiskyAndTwiglets · 20/12/2016 19:59

Wife is a utter idiot in sending this out, on what is clearly a spur of the moment decision. It would have been much better had she not but confided in one or two close friends instead and then tell her not to be so rash when it's raw.
Fwiw, these kinds of situations can be utterly rescuable. I privately am aware of an instance where two couples have all remained friends with each other and still meet up post affair (and that affair happened 15 years ago...!! So the friendship has lasted longer post affair than pre affair). Plus another case where mutual friends have NO idea but both couples involved also stayed together and managed it without anyone even guessing. No fuss, no drama. Hopefully a lot of counselling and work behind the scenes (willing to bet it was tough work) but no dramatics about it all in public in either case.
I don't think I have particularly unsusual friends. I happen to think it happens a lot and what is more unusual is that I know about this as people who want to stay friends with mutual friends (and/or the OW/OM) don't tend to publicise it.
But that kind of view isn't popular on Mumsnet I guess.
I hope after a bit of time when things become clearer for the OW, a way forward will become clear for everyone.

1horatio · 20/12/2016 20:00

I personally have a friend that actually and literally saved my life.

Even if she cheated on her OH and I was fiends with her OH... I could never ice her out.

So, if that's your wife's decision that would make sense imo,

And anyhow, I'm much more disgusted by the cheating husband than the OW....

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/12/2016 20:00

I came on to tell you you were a cowbag and now you've come over all reasonable and taking advice. You do understand that's no fun, right?

Pfft.

Manumission · 20/12/2016 20:01

MrsT Grin

APlaceOnTheCouch · 20/12/2016 20:01

If this has all just come out, I'd imagine there's an element of the DW letting everyone know about the affair; trying to establish who knew about it and making it clear that her DH has chosen to stay with her.
Once the dust settles, she may rethink staying with her DH but atm she is lashing out and trying to set boundaries simultaneously.