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AIBU?

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Original poster

'Plans have changed for Christmas, we're coming to yours'

237 replies

AmberStClare · 19/12/2016 17:08

Found this text on my phone this morning when I woke up. I rang her up to be told her DP has walked out on her and her 2 DC so she wants to come to me for Christmas through to New Year.

Told her that my DP and I are going away, cottage share in the West Country with another couple. Planning lots of drinking, walks and adult conversation. This has been booked for months and I thought she was aware of it. She says to me 'no problem, we will stay at yours and housesit'. Explained that is not an option as some friends from abroad are housesitting for us (looking after the cats). She said we should tell them to go elsewhere as family comes first and was quite affronted when I said no.

Her other suggestion is they should come to the cottage with us and everyone can 'budge up' and make room for them. (Terms of rental are strictly four people staying.)

WWYD, I am being made to feel a complete bitch who I am told has always hated her and the kids so am being difficult.

OP posts:
Jux · 20/12/2016 22:11

I do hope your dp manages to get sensible information out of her dp. If he's having to go through this sort of bust up on a regular basis, he really needs to be encouraged to report it. There's no shame attached but he'll probably need persuasion.

I do feel sorry for the children. They should be protected; hope they do get to their gps and have a fab Xmas.

I'm really sorry to say it, op, but it does sound like your dsis is the perpetrator rather than the victim. I know things aren't always that simple, but usually they are.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/12/2016 00:22

Ah so that update changes things . op be well and enjoy your planned Xmas x

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 21/12/2016 00:52

Frankly, I'd consider her text to be a reprieve. And be tempted to text back 'Sounds good to me, let's just keep things that way'.

Original poster
AmberStClare · 21/12/2016 08:16

Was a long session last night but things are resolved for DSis's kids. Her DP is going to collect everything they need for Christmas and New Year from their house this morning. GPs are looking forward to having them, have a large house and can easily it in three more people. DSis is aware of this and is spitting tacks so hope won't get too shouty.

Our housesitting friends have been told about the situation and told to use the deadlock on the front door when in as well as out. DSis does not have that key as had not got a spare when she stayed.

Not sure what happens about DSis, expecting the call soon wanting us to budge up for one at the Cornish retreat. Something we will face if and when it happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberStClare · 21/12/2016 08:16

Fit is not it in

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 21/12/2016 08:20

Sounds like a good plan

WellErrr · 21/12/2016 08:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ for troll hunting. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/12/2016 08:36

Not sure what happens about DSis, expecting the call soon wanting us to budge up for one at the Cornish retreat. Something we will face if and when it happens.

Don't back down on that either.

Your DSis needs time on her own to reflect on the consequences of her actions. She has caused all this.

Glad the DC are going with their DF for Christmas.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2016 08:50

Then if she says that, it's no sorry. She will ruin it for everyone's and it's not fair on your friends.

pklme · 21/12/2016 08:55

I agree, 'no' to making room for her. She needs to face up to her behaviour, that it is unacceptable, and that no one has to put up with it just because they are related to her. To let her join you is tacitly saying it was ok.

If her tone were to change- OMG, what have I done, I can't believe I've been so awful/stupid, BEFORE you tell her she can't come, then I would think about it. At the moment she doesn't seem to think she has done anything wrong and never will if people make room for her.

Trills · 21/12/2016 08:57

Ugh, please don't invite her to ruin your Christmas (and that of the friends you are sharing the cottage with).

hoddtastic · 21/12/2016 09:45

doesn't it just @wellerr

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 21/12/2016 09:51

All the 'they'll be back together by Christmas anyway' concerns me. DV is not something to make light hearted comments about and a reason not to help

Exactly.

This doesn't change just because the victim is male!

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/12/2016 14:06

"Not sure what happens about DSis, expecting the call soon wanting us to budge up for one at the Cornish retreat."
To which you tell her 'no fucking way'. Think of the friends you are going to be with, why would you inflict your sister on them? She has somewhere to be, her own house - her ex and the DC are safely at his parents, she has the space to contemplate her future. It would be best for everyone if she does that.

Bogeyface · 21/12/2016 14:17

When you get the inevitable "THanks! I will be all on my own for Xmas, you hate me ....blah blah" I suggest you point out that she created this situation, that it was her own behaviour that led to her being away from her family for Xmas and that she needs to spend the time thinking about that and what changes she can make to herself if she doesnt want to spend a lot more Xmases on her own.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 21/12/2016 14:50

Is there any way you can leave early for Cornwall? Like today? Grin

I agree with Where and Bogey. She needs to be on her own to reevaluate the way she's living her life.

If you need a chicken way out, you can always tell her that the other people you are sharing with got the jump on you and already have an extra person coming so there isn't room for anyone else.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/12/2016 14:59

If she says to budge up, tell her no, sorry you are not coming with me. Its not only you, but you have your friends to consider, you don't want to ruin their holiday by her coming along. She will not be nice either.

pluck · 21/12/2016 17:08

Blimey, she didn't even deny it? Definitely give her a wide berth, and persuade your BIL (would his parents listen to you, and help persuade him?) to report this.

Without any official evidence, the children will be left at the mercy of an angry, uncontrolled, unpredictable parent (who will have found it humiliating to have others stand up to her and make her lose face this Christmas), with the other parent legally hampered to help them!

If she has such trouble controlling her anger that she can't even manage a phone call with you when the stakes are high, there is no way this won't escalate. You need to make sure that the pushback against her escalates just as much as her angry, lashing-out behaviour!

EweAreHere · 21/12/2016 17:13

If she has the audacity to ask or just show up, stand firm and send her home. Your holiday should not suffer; your friends' holiday should not suffer. She actively created this situation for herself and her children and DP. Luckily, DP has sorted out a nice Christmas for their children.

Tell her she should be thankful he hasn't gone to the police (although he should have) and that she needs to go home and reconsider her behavior. She could well have ended up arrested for domestic violence. She may yet. And she may lose custody of her children over it.

expatinscotland · 21/12/2016 17:51

No, no budging up because you will ruin the holiday for your friends. I'd be furious if you did this to me and it would damage our friendship if not end it.

Jux · 21/12/2016 21:55

Well done, glad the children will have a great Christmas Grin

Now, to ensure that you have a great Christmas too, you just have to say "no" firmly to your sis.

juneau · 22/12/2016 08:36

Wow - all change then. At least the DC should have a nice Christmas with their dad and GPs, instead of their abusive, self-righteous harridan of a mother. How on earth did all that happen?

I agree that you shouldn't let her join you in Cornwall. Why the fuck should you all budge up to accommodate her when this horrible situation is entirely of her own making. However, I fear that time alone over Christmas will not be spent in remorseful contemplation. Somehow she doesn't strike me as the contemplative type!

2rebecca · 22/12/2016 08:51

Agree I wouldn't want a friend bringing an aggressive emotional relative to a weekend away. She will have friends and other relatives or can spend the day going for a walk reading and chilling out.
She and her boyfriend may have made up by then anyway. If she comes with you she'll spend all weekend getting pissed and whining about how much she misses her kids and how awful her husband is and be constantly on the phone. She'll still have a miserable Christmas but will also ruin everyone else's.

lapetitesiren · 22/12/2016 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/12/2016 09:12

While no violence is acceptable

It isn't full stop.

Do posters ask 'was he provoked' when the victim is female?