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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Plans have changed for Christmas, we're coming to yours'

237 replies

AmberStClare · 19/12/2016 17:08

Found this text on my phone this morning when I woke up. I rang her up to be told her DP has walked out on her and her 2 DC so she wants to come to me for Christmas through to New Year.

Told her that my DP and I are going away, cottage share in the West Country with another couple. Planning lots of drinking, walks and adult conversation. This has been booked for months and I thought she was aware of it. She says to me 'no problem, we will stay at yours and housesit'. Explained that is not an option as some friends from abroad are housesitting for us (looking after the cats). She said we should tell them to go elsewhere as family comes first and was quite affronted when I said no.

Her other suggestion is they should come to the cottage with us and everyone can 'budge up' and make room for them. (Terms of rental are strictly four people staying.)

WWYD, I am being made to feel a complete bitch who I am told has always hated her and the kids so am being difficult.

OP posts:
MistressMerryWeather · 19/12/2016 18:32

What support would she be getting whilst alone with two small children in OP's one bedroom cottage?

The sister isn't making any sense here.

ScruffbagsRUs · 19/12/2016 18:33

Tell her to grow a pair of balls and just get on with it.........like the rest of us have to.

If these were her own plans, would she cancel them to accommodate your whims and demands, if yours were the same? If not, then you don't cancel your plans for her. It wouldn't be at all fair for you to cancel your plans if she wouldn't do the same for you. Otherwise, you could try to accommodate her in some small way, but nothing major as she's an adult and should be standing on her own 2 feet.

thatdearoctopus · 19/12/2016 18:33

but is all for driving over to her and seeing what is going on and how we can help,

And what if she repeats her suggestion of "budging up" in the holiday cottage or kicking your house-sitting friends out?

Letseatgrandma · 19/12/2016 18:33

I would move heaven and earth for my siblings, but none of them would speak to me like that, which says a lot really.

Stick to your plans.

MistressMerryWeather · 19/12/2016 18:33

Unless you are closer to family she can be with OP?

But in that case why wouldn't she ask to stay with them?

Waltermittythesequel · 19/12/2016 18:33

I'd drop everything for my sister in this situation but she is very different to your sister!

You're not wrong to stick to your guns but I'm with your dh in that I'd be checking that she was ok, at least...

What really hurts me is that i am her DD's Godmother. Was so thrilled to be asked as well. Nice to be told i have always hated her.

This, however, is a bit ridiculous. I mean, you don't like her, do you?? Least ways it seems as if you don't.

rollonthesummer · 19/12/2016 18:34

I'm not quite sure what your husband thinks he can do?! Is he going to go and see her?

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/12/2016 18:36

Well I'm glad she doesn't fancy the Travelodge because it's a bad idea. To go back to the OP - "her DP has walked out on her". So, he's gone. There's no need for her to not be there, he's gone. Why drag the children out of THEIR HOME just so she can be the drama-llama to you and your friends?

Do not change your plans. Do not suggest what she can do except to suggest she stays in her own bloody house. Tell her you are away, your house is occupied by someone else and you will tell them she is not to be let in, and she needs to get a bloody grip and stop behaving like a teenager.

DinosaursRoar · 19/12/2016 18:37

But if her DP has left her, why does she need to go anywhere for Christmas? I'm missing this vital bit of information! I can see why she'd like to spend it with family, but if you aren't going to be at your house anyway, why can't she just stay at her own home?

Just say no, she has a house to live in, she can live in it. If she's happy to spend christmas just her and the DCs, then she can do it at her own home.

If it's just that she's trying to be away from home so her ExP can't see the DCs, don't help her be a cow.

juneau · 19/12/2016 18:38

OP said the kids are a 'bit feral', which is not the same as saying she doesn't like them.

However, other people's toddlers are a hard sell - even ones you're related to. I found my own hard work, my siblings' and friends' a PITA. It's a hard stage to love for a lot of people.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2016 18:38

If he goes over, all she'll do is try to guilt and manipulate him. REALLY not on for her to make demands like this. Your friends are coming from abroad to housesit. Your other friends planned a childfree holiday. She needs to put on her big girl pants and crack on with it.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 19/12/2016 18:41

If it's just that she's trying to be away from home so her ExP can't see the DCs, don't help her be a cow.

That's a good point tbh.

yorkshapudding · 19/12/2016 18:42

She is your sister. Sounds like she is crying out for some support to me

How is OP letting down her house-sitters at the last minute so that DSis and her DC can stay in OP's house while she's not there going to provide "support"? Confused
OP suggested a Travelodge near to their holiday cottage so that they could actually spend some time together and DSis told her it wasn't good enough. If she was "crying out for support" why on earth would she reject that suggestion?

Those saying that OP should "be there" for her sister, she has tried to be there for her. That's why she found her the family room in the travel lodge. So she could be there without having to force good friends to cancel/drastically change their plans for Christmas at the last minute. OP is trying to find a compromise that works for everyone, her DSis is being demanding.

Mulberry72 · 19/12/2016 18:42

These are longstanding plans that you have OP, there is no reason for you to change them. Your sister should be concentrating on giving her DC as normal Xmas as possible in their own home. YADNBU.

lionsleepstonight · 19/12/2016 18:42

She's after a free Xmas at yours with you running around doing all the work. Don't budge on your position and certainly don't get her booked into a hotel near to where your going or she'll spoil Xmas for the other couple too!
She's been left in the house, she doesn't NEED to be anywhere else, she just can't be arsed to be in sole charge of the kids and Xmas so wants to move that responsibility to you.

happychristmasbum · 19/12/2016 18:42

I don't understand - why does DSIS have to go anywhere? Surely she will stay at home with her DC?

YANBU

hoddtastic · 19/12/2016 18:44

if i was feeling very charitable i'd send her a shopping delivery containing Xmas dinner and some nice treats for them all.

and see her in the new year or whenever it suited. Is there any chance he's fucked off with all the cash and she's stressed about that?

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/12/2016 18:44

"If it's just that she's trying to be away from home so her ExP can't see the DCs, don't help her be a cow."

Well spotted DinosaursRoar. I couldn't fathom why she wanted to descend on OP, or rather OP's home since she won't be there. That 's the only possible reason.

Liking your sister less and less here.

rollonthesummer · 19/12/2016 18:45

The thought of someone else (especially with as little regard for your feelings as your sister appears to have) cooking a Christmas dinner in my house fills me with dread!!

Liiinoo · 19/12/2016 18:48

Your sister is being totally unreasonable but I still feel sorry for her - her partner has left her and the the week before Christmas, she must be distraught. I know they have a volatile history but if he has actually walked out she must be in a right state. Under the circumstances I would forgive her nasty comments.

wait for her to calm down a bit and then suggest the Travelodge again.

Ginkypig · 19/12/2016 18:48

Have I missed something?

Why does she need anywhere to stay? If her dp has walked out on her can she just stay where she lives?

It's not nice for any of them her relationship breaking down esp this close to Christmas but unless she is homeless with no other options. Also I don't really understand why you are the person who has to find her an alternative?

I'm coming across harsh and I don't mean to it's tough for them but she's making it tough for you too.

Bambamrubblesmum · 19/12/2016 18:55

As Dino spotted, it looks like there's an ulterior motive for not wanting to be in her own home, otherwise wanting to house sit makes no sense at all.

Why don't you ask her directly why she can't be at home for Christmas?

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 19/12/2016 18:56

I think I'd weigh any action not only on the basis of my relationship with my sister, but with 'what is the likelihood of this blowing over and her DH coming back?'. If they have a volatile relationship and this type of shit has gone on before then I wouldn't change plans because chances are they'll be back together at some point. If it were a case of a basically good marriage where the DH blindsided my sister by leaving I think I'd work harder to try and find some type of compromise.

ragz134 · 19/12/2016 18:57

YANBU to refuse to change other people's plans for her.
YABU to expect her to spend Christmas in a Travelodge with kids. It will be cramped and boring so you need to expect her to be at your cottage/joining you from morning until bedtime and have lunch and dinner with you each day. Will that not ruin your adult break?

Ginkypig · 19/12/2016 18:58

Missed you post dinosaur Blush