Christmas table controversy

[Tabbylady]

We always spend christmas with my parents. Me and DH, our 2 DSs, Dsis and her family and DB and his. There are big age gaps between us siblings and therefore the cousins.

Since kids came on the scene they've been at a separate "kids" table for reasons of space and my parents being OTT about "mess" (plastic tablecloths, no alcohol, kids crackers etc)

My sister's daughter is much older than the other kids and has selflessly put up with this for years and we've always had a little private joke about how silly it is. She's nearly 22. This year, my DB (aged 40) split with his long term partner and is planning on bringing his new girlfriend, aged 25...

My DN was a bit about all this, being quite close with DB, but has lost the plot about the ongoing table arrangements. I think she's probably projecting anger about other stuff onto this situation (loss of DBs partner who we all liked etc) but she is threatening not to come if new GF gets "treated like a grown up" while she's subjected to a boozeless christmas dinner with the little ones.

I am actually quite supportive of her- there must be a more inclusive way to do it all- and have said so to DPs who are having none of it. This silly thing is threatening a bit of a rift- me, DH, DSis and BIL and DN all on same side with the rest of them on the other. Suspect DBs new GF has no clue.

AIBU to support my DN in this admittedly a bit silly fuss? How would you resolve it?

[NapQueen]

No way should a 22yo be sat at the kids table!

Imo from 14 up if they want they can join the adults table. Though we've never done kid table adults etc.

Don her parents have anything to say about it?

[Blacksox]

My parents did the same. But once the kids were 16, they were 'promoted' to the big table.

Your parents are being totally ridiculous. Your poor niece! I'd throw a strop too.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

By the way, I don't think she's 'projecting' anything with this issue. I'd be not going if that crap was going on!

[Tabbylady]

Haha loving the responses. I am going to text her to tell her she is "herculian"

DN has been studying abroad since 18 and christmas is often the only time the GPs see her- which is why I think she humours it. They have always struggled not to treat her like a little girl. It was much the same with me as youngest child. DN's presents are a whole nother story. She managed to get them to switch the terrible BHS cartoon PJs she always got to BHS vouchers. God knows what they'll do now BHS is kaput

As for the table, there's only just space for 8 round their dining room table then there are a couple of steps down into a conservatory where the kids table is set up

DPs are funny about booze anyway, her mum gave DN a glass of champage the year DN was 18 and there was so much tutting about bad influence on the younger kids we all gave up.

I feel like I ought to draw a family tree!!

DSis has 3, aged 22, 14 and 11. I have 2 DSs under 10. DB kids will be spending xmas morning with their mum and then coming for dinner. They're also under 10. It was actually better when DN was the only GC- she got perched on the end of the grown up table on a wee stool surrounded by tablecloths (in case of dreaded mess) as it would have been cruel to make her sit alone!!

We have offered to host but we live "too far away" (a whole 1 hour) and DSis house is really tiny.

Would it be controversial just to do christmas with my family, my sis and her family? I'm afraid it would devastate my parents.

[gillybeanz]

have dinner at home and invite dn, sorted.

[Trifleorbust]

If I were your DN I would continue to sit there but I would wear a bonnet, bib and dummy.

Weirdos.

[wifeyhun]

22 your poor niece I was 20 when I had my first child! I had a tipple with my dinner.

[VeryBitchyRestingFace]

Would it be controversial just to do christmas with my family, my sis and her family? I'm afraid it would devastate my parents.

No, it would be fine. Your parents need to learn.

How would they like to be appointed to the "old fogies" table, or somesuch nonsense?

[NapQueen]

How big is the conservatory? Could you bring your table and chairs and just passive aggressively add your seats on to the kids table and sis and her dh can join u too

[Haffdonga]

If there was room to perch dn at the end of the 'grown ups' table when she was little then there will be space to do the same now.

You need to tell your parents that they are behaving cruelly and that if they insist on treating dn like this then this will be the last Christmas they get to host the whole family together.

Just fucking tell them. Don't put up with it.

[Haffdonga]

And pour the poor girl a glass of something yourself. (Bring your own bottle if needs be).

[Laiste]

Would it be controversial just to do christmas with my family, my sis and her family?

Yes - but your parents would survive! You can kindly explain why ... there just isn't room for all the adults at yours mum.

[TondelayaDellaVentamiglia]

anyone too old to order from a child's menu featuring brown food, chips and peas and get crayons is too old to e treated to a Kid's Table!

I am horrified it's gone on for so long.

You must take it over and end this malarkey! Your wretched mess obsessed parents can have the clean and crumb free Christmas of their dreams On.Their.Own!

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Did you mean 12?

Ffs - I'm astounded she's put up with that since she was 15ish.

What's more, I'm appalled that none of you have put your foot down on her behalf YEARS AGO. How bloody humiliating for her - and that's without the 25 yo girlfriend.

If your parents are not going to relent, I'd host Christmas Dinner at yours & tell them they're welcome to come, but they can sit at the Grandparents table - then put it in the kitchen/conservatory/garden/street.

Are they this utterly fucking ridiculous over other things?

[NerrSnerr]

I can't believe your sister has gone along with this for 4 years and not said 'fuck it, we'll do Christmas ourselves'. I'd also be pouring my adult daughter a glass of wine and supporting her all the way.

[Laiste]

I'm picturing her sat with her knees round her ears on little childrens chairs as well. It would be funny if it weren't so awful.

[Mypurplecaravan]

So no child is under 5?

So no need for a kids table. Either make space for the 22 year old (massive difference between 22 and 14) on the adults table or you mix and match.

Frankly 9 at the adults table makes most sense. She is not a child.

And no alcohol? Ffs. If the adults are drinking at all they have no right to carp on about who is the bad influence on the other children. At her 18th the nearest child was 10? That's too big a gap to be a bad influence.

Oooo I'm angry for your niece.

Talk to your parents. Make them see how unreasonable this is. I got grumpy about being on the kids table at aged 16. And even then it was attached to the main table! Just a round one on the end (imagine a giant lollipop)

[HemanOrSheRa]

Is there space in the conservatory to move the adult table? So there are 2 tables shoved together? Then your DN and DB's GF could sit in the middle of the tables. I'm grasping at straws here .

[Bluntness100]

God that's awful. They can squeeze in another person at the adult table. Seriously who does that. Honestly she's got the patience of a saint, because quite frankly I'd have told all of you exactly where to go.

You must all know this is wrong, so either squeeze her in or take it in turns to sit at the kids table. Draw straws this year for who sits there and don't let her draw a straw, by virtue she's got four years exemption. You all sit there in turns and see how you like it. Or squeeze in an extra place. One or the other. But stop humiliating her for gods sake and treat her like the adult she is.

[pigsDOfly]

Well, if there's room at the adults' table for DB's new GF then room must be found for DN.

That would be completely humiliating for a grown woman of 22 to have to sit at the kids' table while another woman of a similar age is treated like the adult and is welcomed at the adult table.

If parents won't see sense and accept that they are being unfair and nasty to their own GD, I'd be taking my chair, asking DN to budge up a bit and would sit with her at the kids' table.

I'd also be taking wine for both of us. What exactly could they, your parents that is, do about it if you did something like that?

[MumaRia1]

Like someone else said, i had my first child just a bit older than this so its just ridiculous (also a 40 year old with a 25 year old)

[randomeragain]

dont bother with any of it and donate to homeless

[EllaHen]

This could be good for you - the year you stand up to your parents!

Host yourselves and I like Annie's suggestion that you invite them but put them on the grandparents table outside.

[FutureMrsRanj]

I'm shocked a 22year old isn't allowed to drink at Christmas, it's probably fairer for you to host if your dps refuse to treat your dn with a bit of respect

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I'd LOVE it if they seated your DB's new 25 y/o GF at the Kids' Table. The could say "It's so DN has someone her own age to play with."