Christmas table controversy

[Tabbylady]

We always spend christmas with my parents. Me and DH, our 2 DSs, Dsis and her family and DB and his. There are big age gaps between us siblings and therefore the cousins.

Since kids came on the scene they've been at a separate "kids" table for reasons of space and my parents being OTT about "mess" (plastic tablecloths, no alcohol, kids crackers etc)

My sister's daughter is much older than the other kids and has selflessly put up with this for years and we've always had a little private joke about how silly it is. She's nearly 22. This year, my DB (aged 40) split with his long term partner and is planning on bringing his new girlfriend, aged 25...

My DN was a bit about all this, being quite close with DB, but has lost the plot about the ongoing table arrangements. I think she's probably projecting anger about other stuff onto this situation (loss of DBs partner who we all liked etc) but she is threatening not to come if new GF gets "treated like a grown up" while she's subjected to a boozeless christmas dinner with the little ones.

I am actually quite supportive of her- there must be a more inclusive way to do it all- and have said so to DPs who are having none of it. This silly thing is threatening a bit of a rift- me, DH, DSis and BIL and DN all on same side with the rest of them on the other. Suspect DBs new GF has no clue.

AIBU to support my DN in this admittedly a bit silly fuss? How would you resolve it?

[horizontilting]

Please give her her own chair as her Christmas present. A nice folding one so it's easier to tie a big bow round. She can unwrap it at your parents house and place it at the Adult Table #graduationday

[clare2307]

At 22 she has as much right the sit at the adult table as anyone else!! I'm surprised she has gone along with it this long to be honest... I'd say just a mix of adult & children at each table is the best solution.

[Gbean]

At our house there'll be 11 people ranging from 1 to 67. We will all sit together with a fold up table pushed up to the 'main table'. Young and old will sit together. How horrid to have a separate table.

IMO all the kids should sit in and among the adults.

[ChasedByBees]

I just wouldn't go and would make other plans and invite DN. It's just too ridiculous and to ignore you all when you're telling her so is just rude and dismissive. They need a wake up call.

[Didiusfalco]

Your mum presumably is getting older? Christmases have to evolve, she can't host forever. Grandchildren will start their own families and won't all want to do the same thing. This might need to be the year that things change - she shouldn't hate you for suggesting alternative arrangements... That would be weird. Is she very controlling in general?

[Beewhisperer]

I would bung one of the kids in your place on the adult table, take a large bottle of something and join your niece on the kids table just to make it clear how silly the whole thing is.
I would be tempted to make a sign for the table beforehand and designate it as the 'fun' table too.

[ThatsWhatYouDo]

All children on the children's table and all adults (18 and over) on the adults table. So simple.

[Randonneur]

I would definitely warn your parents that if they don't relent on this then dn is going to stop coming for Christmas - whether that's year or next year when a mate or boyfriend hears her plight and invites her round for a boozy Christmas dinner!

[roundtable]

Well done for sticking up for your DN.

My DM had a strop about some Christmas arrangements and said she wasn't coming. All the siblings and husband/wives said fine but we're all going so you can meet us afterwards if you like. Suddenly, she could do it.

Strength in numbers op, change the way things work. It can be done without an argument. Your DM is stuck in a rut and needs reminding that time moves in. Good luck!

[Patienceisvirtuous]

Ugh how humiliating for your niece. I'd throw a shit fit about it if I was her. Especially with the added insult of the 25 yo.

Your dm needs to get her head out of her arse and treat your dn with a bit of respect. Noone else should be enabling her dictatorial behaviour either!

[Namechangebitch]

Adult table, kids table is vile.

2 family tables.

Separating children is horrible.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

I'm another one that thinks your DN is being used as childcare, your parents don't seem particularly. I am surprised that she hasn't told them to FOTFOSM before now.

Going to your DB's EX for christmas seems like a good idea, when your parents complain tell them that they should have treated her like an adult

[Tabbylady]

SenecaFalls I really like that idea and am going to suggest it to mum as the least "big-change" approach.

Mum doesn't have official MH issues but has been difficult for as long as I can remember- everything must be done just so, she's extremely regimented, hates change, and if things aren't the way she wants then there is much gnashing of teeth. She's also cleanliness obsessed (think couches from 1990s still with vinyl covers etc) and I don't know how DF puts up with it. DB was always her favourite and she is just "quirky" and should be humoured in his eyes. DSis is a lot older than me- DN is closer to my age- but we were both a bit miserable in childhood. Mum treated me like a child until I got married- despite having lived with DH for years- sometimes I think her attitudes to "adulthood" are out of a Jane Austen novel!

Maybe it is time to stand up to her and demand that we host. I'm off work from Tues so could manage it. Plus if we host my poor cats won't be alone all day. They're obviously not allowed at mum's because their fur would work its way into everything and poison us all.

[Kitsandkids]

So, if you and brother both have 2 children (I wasn't sure from your post how many brother has), then there are 7 'children' usually at the kids' table. In that case I would suggest either you or your partner (or both if there's an extra place) plus your kids at that table, plus your brother, his kids and the girlfriend.

Was the girlfriend the OW? If so I would be making it clear to my brother that she's not welcome anyway while his ex is alone on Chriatmas Day.

[GoneGirl1234]

Your poor DN! She should definitely be sitting at the adult table!

Mind you, before DH & I got married, his aunt would make us sit at the kids table at any family events she hosted We were together 10 years before we got married

[Ethylred]

Your niece is sweet and kind to have put up with this nonsense for so long. The only thing is for the other adults to go on strike and sit at the children's table with her.

[Ferrisday]

Perched on a stool at the big table would be preferable to this nonsense.

[melj1213]

We never had a kids table, but that was mainly because I am one of 18 cousins on my mum's side, I'm the oldest at 27 and the youngest is 8, so there was always at least a few babies/toddlers that either needed feeding or at least needed adult help to eat themselves, so it was easier to just sit by "family" with any older kids allowed to swap around to sit with a cousin of similar age/that they were friends with (there's about a year or 18 months between most of us so were all bffs as they grew up)

It is hard being an adult but still being part of the "kid" generation because a lot of older relatives, in my family at least, define "adult" to be their siblings and children and "kid" to encompass any grandchild/great-grandchild whereas my parents, aunts and uncles define it by age. I'm 27, my youngest cousin is 8 so an age gap of 19 years yet my twin uncles are 38 so there's only 11 years but they are classed as "adults" and I'm stll a "child" as far as my grandparents are concerned. If we did have "kid tables" they'd probably still be trying to put me on them as I am part of that generation.

[Patienceisvirtuous]

New gf can perch on a stool. DN gets a seat.

[Ginkypig]

Do any of you have a table to add next to the dining table so then there would be no need for a separate child's table?

I left home at 17 and by your dn age I was a stepmum so I would have been mightily unimpressed with the kids table no alcohol no respect drama!

[dangermouseisace]

the whole situation sounds incredibly stressful. I think having you and your sis at yours sounds like an excellent idea. It's not as if you are snubbing your parents as you offered to have it round yours and they decided it was too far. My kids (all 10 and under) don't like leaving the house Christmas day as they can't play with their presents…I always use the excuse that I'm worried we'll get norovirus so only ever plan Christmas at my house (we all had it on Christmas day 6 years ago and I've been eeking out that excuse ever since) Have it at yours, relax and get a bit merry!

[EmpressOfTheSpartacusOceans]

Your DN is amazingly tolerant. In her position I'd have been kicking off from the age of about 12.

[Ellisandra]

If anyone perches on a stool it shouldn't be the new GF either because that's a really shitty way to treat the new person. Your brother, her BF, gets the stool.

[Elendon]

It sounds like the Christmas from Hell. Getting the hee bee jee bees thinking about it.

I've spent Christmas dinners with mixed aged tables and it was such fun. One was so large it was L shaped.

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

How much upheaval would it be for everyone (dbro, dsis etc) to come to you? If it were me I'd host them all at one big table or a couple of wallpaper pasting tables pushed end to end .