Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 18 19

AIBU?

Christmas table controversy

463 replies

Tabbylady · 18/12/2016 17:47

We always spend christmas with my parents. Me and DH, our 2 DSs, Dsis and her family and DB and his. There are big age gaps between us siblings and therefore the cousins.

Since kids came on the scene they've been at a separate "kids" table for reasons of space and my parents being OTT about "mess" (plastic tablecloths, no alcohol, kids crackers etc)

My sister's daughter is much older than the other kids and has selflessly put up with this for years and we've always had a little private joke about how silly it is. She's nearly 22. This year, my DB (aged 40) split with his long term partner and is planning on bringing his new girlfriend, aged 25...

My DN was a bit about all this, being quite close with DB, but has lost the plot about the ongoing table arrangements. I think she's probably projecting anger about other stuff onto this situation (loss of DBs partner who we all liked etc) but she is threatening not to come if new GF gets "treated like a grown up" while she's subjected to a boozeless christmas dinner with the little ones.

I am actually quite supportive of her- there must be a more inclusive way to do it all- and have said so to DPs who are having none of it. This silly thing is threatening a bit of a rift- me, DH, DSis and BIL and DN all on same side with the rest of them on the other. Suspect DBs new GF has no clue.

AIBU to support my DN in this admittedly a bit silly fuss? How would you resolve it?

OP posts:

Report

Laiste · 18/12/2016 18:39

Just deal with it logically if it helps OP. There just simply isn't enough room at your parents for everyone to eat xmas day dinner together any more.

It IS different when some are very young ... i get that a kids table made it work back then (and by kids, yes i agree with pp, ''kids'' being up to 5 or 6) but they're growing up and it's not working now.

When a family is too big for everyone to sit down together they eat in shifts, eat out, or split up and host in smaller groups and then get all together, if that's what they want, later or on another day.

Things evolve as families grow. It's just the way it is. (sell it like that)

HemanOrSheRa · 18/12/2016 18:41

We took our own wine and beer to MiL's one family get together. We were fed up of drinking squash and pop . Or MiL would send FiL up into the loft to bring down one can of lukewarm beer for DP. DP's other siblings cottoned onto this and did a booze run . MiL has since 'lightened up' on the alcohol with a meal, gets supplies in and chills them too.

anotheronebitthedust · 18/12/2016 18:42

tbh honest I can't imagine the 14 y/o would be impressed to be left on the kids table if his sister gets upgraded, if all the other 'kids' are one 11 year old and then under 10s. Think your dps should just have to mix and match everyone together (and what mess can children make eating dinner that can't be wiped away anyway?)

I imagine it's hard for you because she's not your dc. However if I was your dsis I would say 'look there's obviously not enough room for everyone now the dc are all growing older, its silly and rude having our 22 and 14 year olds on a kiddy table with under 10s, we'll just eat at ours and come to you later.' Anything else is just unsupportive of her dd.

Can't believe she is mature and independent enough to live alone in a foreign country (something which I wonder if the grandparents themselves have ever done!) but not to drink alcohol or eat with older people!

GinAndTeaForMe · 18/12/2016 18:44

This sounds so awful for your DN! I am inclined to ask why you and the others have allowed this for so long. How humiliating.

I feel you just have to tell your parents, that she and DB's GF sit at the big people table.

tanfield90 · 18/12/2016 18:44

Is there something we're all missing OP or perhaps something you haven't told us ? Are the grandparents teetotal ? Because this scenario is just too ridiculous to be true.

Floggingmolly · 18/12/2016 18:44

Does your mother have any mental health issues? It sounds so utterly bizarre; all of you "on your niece's side" in some sort of ridiculous standoff, with your Mum resolutely standing her ground on the other side, determined not to budge an inch
Is your mum the only grownup amongst the lot of you??

WheresTheEvidence · 18/12/2016 18:44

Can you not just draw names and people sit wherever they like - it might be nice for conversation/catch up if the tables are mixed up

girlelephant · 18/12/2016 18:45

DN is an adult being treated as a child, its very rude!

Lorelei76 · 18/12/2016 18:45

Is this thread a joke?!

I'm surprised DN hasn't refused.

Tell you what, how about she sits at the kids table, lights up a fag, gets hammered - preferably before - and tells dirty jokes?

ShelaghTurner · 18/12/2016 18:46

Poor woman. Buy a camping table and extend the main table so everyone can sit round it FGS. Or put your parents on the senior citizens table on their own. And give them no booze.

Tabbylady · 18/12/2016 18:48

I have of course told my mum how unreasonable this is (she's the main instigator, my dad just bumbles along)- whoever said the childcare thing is probably bang on, at least DN keeps an eye on them all. Although her younger sisters at 14 and 11 are well past needing eyes kept on them and the other kids aren't exactly maniacs. I have said to my mum that DH and I would like to sit with our own kids for once too and will be sitting in the conservatory if we don't come up with another option. She said I'm being "silly".

I have been messaging DN about this just now, and she's made the point that she may well invite herself to DBs ex-partner, who was in all our lives for nearly 15 years and will be having her first childless christmas dinner! I have said go for it and we'll swing by later. Oh god my mum's going to hate me.

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 18/12/2016 18:49

I would do Christmas lunch at your house with DSis, BIL and DN's, then could you all drive to your Mum's for the evening? If you left at 4, you'd be there for 5 and do a tea party. Give your mum the choice, you are cooking at yours, they can join you for that or you go for the evening - be clear, there are now too many adults to fit round your Mum's table now DN should be classed as an adult, so you can't all go to hers.

Done. You are all grown ups, your Mum doesn't get to dictate Christmas, if she wants to see you all, she can come to you.

Cherryskypie · 18/12/2016 18:50

Your mother is nuts.

HaveNoSocks · 18/12/2016 18:50

That is pretty ridiculous for your DN. Why should she be babysitting year after year. She's not a kid so has no other reason to be at the kids table. If they have a kids table then clearly she should be with the adults. Your parents WBVU to object to that and if there isn't space then they don't have space to host christmas dinner anymore.

GinAndTeaForMe · 18/12/2016 18:50

Does your DM have control issues? Why is she dictating to adults where they sit?

TremoloGreen · 18/12/2016 18:51

Ridiculous. I don't get all the obligation at Christmas to go to a certain person's house, and do Christmas their way if that way doesn't suit you. How many times per year are you and your partner off work for a few days together? Host your own christmas and let them know they're invited if they want to come.

ssd · 18/12/2016 18:52

this is hilarious

I'd put the grandparents at their own table and sit the kids with you lot

and dont give them any booze either

but seriously, you lot sound beyond weird.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 18/12/2016 18:53

I have been messaging DN about this just now, and she's made the point that she may well invite herself to DBs ex-partner, who was in all our lives for nearly 15 years and will be having her first childless christmas dinner!

That sounds lovely. Then they can get rat arsed on the cooking sherry.

Lindy2 · 18/12/2016 18:53

If she set at the kiddy table swigging vodka would your parents get the hint that she is now actually an adult now. I'd refuse to go if I was her until some respect was shown to her.

hanban89 · 18/12/2016 18:54

She's 22! She should've been at the adult table a looong time ago.
Are your parents insisting that she sits at the kids table?
TBH if I was your niece I would refuse to go!

Oldraver · 18/12/2016 18:54

I think this should be the year you break away and host yourselves

ssd · 18/12/2016 18:54

your niece sounds the only sane one in the family

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

pigsDOfly · 18/12/2016 18:54

You sound very nervous about crossing your DM OP.

Remember you're an adult too and you're entitled to make decision as well..

RhiWrites · 18/12/2016 18:55

OP your parents have a clear choice. They can treat their 22 year old grand daughter like the adult she is.

Or you can host and they can be "devastated".

Elendon · 18/12/2016 18:57

Have Christmas at your own home and invite your niece. I'm sure you'll all have a fabulous time, and throw in a bit of mess and alcohol for good measure as well.

I just can't imagine the horror of the scenario you are painting. It's my worst nightmare.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 18 19

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.