Christmas table controversy

[Tabbylady]

We always spend christmas with my parents. Me and DH, our 2 DSs, Dsis and her family and DB and his. There are big age gaps between us siblings and therefore the cousins.

Since kids came on the scene they've been at a separate "kids" table for reasons of space and my parents being OTT about "mess" (plastic tablecloths, no alcohol, kids crackers etc)

My sister's daughter is much older than the other kids and has selflessly put up with this for years and we've always had a little private joke about how silly it is. She's nearly 22. This year, my DB (aged 40) split with his long term partner and is planning on bringing his new girlfriend, aged 25...

My DN was a bit about all this, being quite close with DB, but has lost the plot about the ongoing table arrangements. I think she's probably projecting anger about other stuff onto this situation (loss of DBs partner who we all liked etc) but she is threatening not to come if new GF gets "treated like a grown up" while she's subjected to a boozeless christmas dinner with the little ones.

I am actually quite supportive of her- there must be a more inclusive way to do it all- and have said so to DPs who are having none of it. This silly thing is threatening a bit of a rift- me, DH, DSis and BIL and DN all on same side with the rest of them on the other. Suspect DBs new GF has no clue.

AIBU to support my DN in this admittedly a bit silly fuss? How would you resolve it?

[Bluetrews25]

You never know, your DM might be relieved not to host for once - all the stress, shopping, cooking and cleaning before and after.....why not try to push to host at yours, if you have space, or at least some of you go to the alternative table at yours?

[Petronius16]

Tabby I like your last post, you sitting with your family in the conservatory and would love to give your DN a big hug if she goes to DB's ex. I'm sure the ex would love it. All of us, at some point in our lives, have to stand our ground no matter how much we love Mum and Dad.

[Olympiathequeen]

Under no circumstance should your DN sit with the children. How totally absurd! I am almost lost for words!

[SenecaFalls]

We have never had kids' tables. For a large group, we have had multiple tables, with children and adults mixed together, high chairs and all at times. Would your mother consider this, especially now that all the children are a bit older?

[Electrolens]

Your DN has been brilliant. Have you actually sat down with your DPs and pointed out how ridiculous it is (it is anyway, but especially with your DB's new girlfriend)? If so and they won't budge - then join forces and either your DSis and BIL should sit on the 'kids table' and the 22yo and 14 yo with the 'adults' or you and your DSIS sit there or however you want to do it. Essentially agree it between the adults that see sense and tell your DPs this is what you all want to do this year.

[Electrolens]

Yes...mixed tables would obviously be the better solution all round...but if you're looking for a compromise...

[SquinkiesRule]

Poor DN, good for you backing her up and wanting to sit with your own children.
I'd do a Christmas at my own place and invite anyone who wants to come all will sit at one table, or multiple tales pushed together like my grandmother used to do.

[EmpressoftheMundane]

Your niece sounds like a lovely, patient, kind young woman to put up with this for so long. It would be even more humiliating with her uncle's girlfriend at the adult table while she sits with the kids.

Things need to change. Perhaps a buffet style meal? Or maybe your sister should see this as her year to break away and do her own thing at home. I wouldn't do this to my DD.

[MrsPigling]

put Grandparents and smallest kids on the kids table with no booze, then the other adults, on the adult table with the booze :)

[oldlaundbooth]

I'd have said fuck that a long time ago if I was the niece. 22

We aged a similar family dynamic OP and the two eldest girls (17 & 15) have sat at the adults table for a few years now. And they get offered a drink etc.

[glitterazi]

but she is threatening not to come if new GF gets "treated like a grown up" while she's subjected to a boozeless christmas dinner with the little ones.
Screw that, I'd be holding their wine bottles to ransom and saying "right, you're not having any either then!"
At 22, you're an adult. I'd maybe roll eyes and put up with it if it was to just sit at the kids table, but to bring along someone a couple of years older than you that gets treated as an adult and also bans you from drinking at the same time, bollocks to that, sorry!

[deblet]

14 is not a child either so they need to sort this out anyway for future years. I would be mixing the families up or saying that dribbling old people and young can sit together while the important adults have the proper table.

[RandomMess]

Good for you for sticking up for DN. your Mum is being utterly ridiculous!

[Lorelei76]

Thing is whoever wanted a kids table clearly did it because they can't bear eating with messy kids, fair enough. But why should any adult, apart from maybe the parents of those kids, have to sit there?

[oldlaundbooth]

Aged : have

[WallisFrizz]

They need to do a names in a hat style shake up of both tables. All ages mixed together, and those old enough to drink are able to do so.

I'm guessing your children are between 5 and 10. How much mess can they realistically make?

[happychristmasbum]

Totally agree with PP - tell DPs you have decided to spend Christmas Day at home (do PILS never get a look in or are they not around?) invite DSIS and DN and have a lovely time.

Your DPS sounds very controlling.

[brasty]

Christ if I was her and had to sit at the kids table, I would just stand up and take some wine for myself from the adults table, to drink. I would also be tempted to tell the kids lots of poo and pee jokes.

[ZippyNeedsFeeding]

It sounds like it might be time for each adult sibling to make their own Christmas arrangements. Not just because of the poor niece (I'd been married for 2 years when I was 22, I'd have flatly refused to sit with the kiddies), but also because it sounds like there will be loads of tension and not much celebrating. Surely there would come a point where there would just be too many people to all go there anyway? Especially as the kids get older- small children can be packed in quite tightly, but teenagers can take up an awful lot of space!

[pigsDOfly]

I'm really puzzled by why your DS has allowed this to continue for so long tbh. There's no way I would have allowed my DD to be shoved on the kids' table like that.

Does your DM rule the roost over everything OP?

[Laiste]

[neice] may well invite herself to DBs ex-partner, who was in all our lives for nearly 15 years and will be having her first childless christmas dinner!

That would be a really sweet thing to do. Surprised more of us here didn;t think of it tbh. Maybe you could really blow it all up out of the water and invite your niece and your DBs ex partner to join you at yours this year OP

[storminabuttercup]

Bloody hell, your poor DN, what if she has a Partner and wants to bring them? Where do they sit?
They need to mix up the tables... please tell me it's an actual table at adult size not a little plastic one?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Why doesn't the mother/father of the youngest children sit at the children's table with them if there has to be such a silly set-up?

That's what I would do and would then say for 2017 we'll stay at home as we ate dinner separately from everybody else anyway.

It's not about the booze ffs, it's about being included with the adults when you are one.

[oldlaundbooth]

Would love it if the DN showed up with a new 40 year old partner

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Niece should definitely be prioritised a 'slot' at the adult table over a new girlfriend.