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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want dh keep taking ds to toddler classes?

176 replies

quinnlee · 17/12/2016 20:14

i dont want him taking him to so many, i dont think its good for small children to have so much structure, he is only 3. will start nursery in jan as it is. currently does at least 2 classes a day. thinks like toddler gymnastics, toddler dance, toddler football, toddler etc. etc. he is a sahd and is really good with him, but isnt this something we get to decide together? i dont want all the income going on those classes, it seems like such a waste to me especially if its doing him no good (i dont think structured classes are good at such a young age like i said) aibu??

OP posts:
JustAnotherPoster00 · 18/12/2016 09:41

I think the OP after being caught using 2 names on the thread, and not being agreed with has flounced Grin

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/12/2016 09:46

I'm waiting to see the reverse thread.

Aibu to think my dh should do more with his ds. He only goes out once a week and when he does it involves being sat in the buggy fir 45 mins just to go get cold and muddy on his own in the woods . There's a perfectly good toddler football class five mins down the road where he can he out and walkinv/running the whole time and making friends.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 18/12/2016 09:48

Giles lol Grin

ShowMePotatoSalad · 18/12/2016 09:54

2 classes a day...bloody hell, where does he find all these classes? We're lucky if we get 1-2 a week round here.

If the issue is money then that's fair enough. I don't think the classes will do your son any harm at all though and if I could afford it/could find classes I would be making my kid to as many as possible.

MargaretCabbage · 18/12/2016 10:11

I find it really hard to fill the five days a week I'm at home with a toddler and a baby. If I could afford it I'd be attending more classes. We fit in plenty of unstructured play, but it's always only a matter of time before DS just wants the toy trains out and for me push them around with him. We do lots of walking and going to parks, but there's only so much of that I can take. Sometimes I just like to sit down in a warm building while DS does a bit of singing and dancing.

YABU and if DH said these things I'd be furious.

jelliebelly · 18/12/2016 10:12

YABU

  • money/cost not an issue
  • ds not tired/grumpy or miserable
  • no issues with other stuff getting done

What exactly is the problem? Have you ever been to the classes to see how unstructured they might actually be?

I'd put money in the fact that he never actually attends 10 classes a week

famousfour · 18/12/2016 10:17

I personally agree with your thinking in that so many classes is too many and there should ideally be time for spontenaeity and unstructured play with some ordinary stuff thrown in.

I also disagree with those who suggest that because you are at work you get no input in how your son is raised in this respect. Surely it can be discussed.

However, assuming cost is no issue, there are different opinions on this type of thing and if your husband disagrees with you I'm not sure there is much you can do - he is not your nanny and is the one at home at the end of the day. Perhaps this works better for him for whatever reason. You still have the weekends.

You are obviously being unreasonable to say 'you' are paying for it.

DailyFail1 · 18/12/2016 10:32

YABU. If he's not in day care, and doesn't have kids in the family/neighbourhood he interacts with daily, classes are how he builds his social and problem solving skills with his peers. You will find that when he starts nursery his motor skills will be more advanced, and he'll be able to share/listen/communicate to kids and teachers more than kids who've had 3 years of going to the park.

cometprancerdancer · 18/12/2016 13:00

Are you jealous he is spending time with the other mums at these groups? I can't see the issue. Kids love anything like these classes your talking about. As for 'you are paying for these' do you pay him a wage for being a sahd??? YABVVVU

adagio · 18/12/2016 13:16

These sound really expensive activities. When I was off on Mat leave (so not earning) no way I would have spent a load of 'family' money on all those, it would have taken the piss. My job as SAHparent was to mind and entertain the kids, not pay someone else to! We did something every day, all free or cheap (church groups as mentioned by pp, park, shops, walking. Cheap included swimming when I only had 1, catching bus or train somewhere)

I take my dd's food shopping, they learn the names of things, counting, fetch things for me and feel helpful, discuss what we will be having for lunch/tea etc. I think it's good for them, teaching numeracy and vocabulary.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 18/12/2016 13:24

Everything I was going to say has already been said but yes, YABU.

12 hours a day leaves a lot of time for unstructured play, pottering about, park trips etc. Even if each class visit takes 2 hours (total, including travelling etc) that leaves 8hours to do everything else.

Additionally I don't think you can state I am paying for them if it's family money. Kids cost money - that's just the way it is!

I think it sounds arduous for DH but if he's happy to do it then I imagine it's great for DS to mix with so many kids and experience such a lot.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/12/2016 13:53

sits on fence, its good for children to have structure/routine/things to entertain them, over 5 days as a nanny i would prob like 3/4 planned stuff, 12hrs with a toddler can be draining

but

think two a day is too much if every day, ie 10 groups a week

children do need to learn to play/entertain their selves, tho maybe dh is going for company for him, bet he doesnt have many playdates, unless talks to lots of mums/nannies

the bit about you earning the money is Hmm its family costs

are you maybe a tad jealous that dh can do the fun stuff with ds and you dont have family time at weekends?

rollonthesummer · 18/12/2016 13:58

How much are the classes costing each week?

I think classes are expensive-i did Tumble Tots for one child for a couple of years and Joe Jingles with the other and baby massage, I think. Not all at the same time though and with different children. They were all about £6 each which soon added up. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. We went to a lot of £1/2 toddler groups.

Artandco · 18/12/2016 14:52

I do find it rather amusing that some people seem to think a child will be backwards and developmental behind from not going to toddler classes. How an earth do you think society developed? Just because people don't go to baby classes or groups doesn't mean they don't go anywhere or meet people.

I also think it's important they grow up with adults as well as just children for company. Them learning that everything isn't for them and to wait and be bored sometimes is important. What if you need them to come to dentist with you? Or on a 3 hr train journey? Or to a restaurant in evening? Or que up in busy supermarket for essentials? They need to learn to wait and be patient and that fun isn't every 2 mins in a day.
When they start school they need to be able to sit and do stuff they might find boring, wait their turn as someone else is busy, and similar.

It's not just 101 classes or just the park as an alternative either. There's a huge middle ground

ZZZZ1111 · 18/12/2016 14:57

I have been on mat leave over the past year and would be really annoyed if my husband told me how to spend my time! Being a stay at home parent can be boring and lonely at times, and going to classes can give the week structure and opportunities for adult contact. I enjoy doing a mix of the odd class plus pottering around, but I have lots of female friends also on mat leave this year. Does your husband have any other friends with babies he can hang out with, meet at soft play or the park etc? It must be tougher for men in this respect as there are likely to be less stay at home dads he knows, and may not feel comfortable meeting up with other mums?

Anyway, what your husband is doing is far better than just sitting at home all day every day with the TV on! Give him a break.

Also some classes have unstructured time anyway, e.g. In baby sensory 1/3 of the class is spent in free play.

1horatio · 18/12/2016 15:02

art

No, of course not.

But when a child may not have siblings, cousins, neighbour's children to play with... well, socialisation and friends are obviously needed.

And toddler classes, playgroups etc are a great way to do this, right?

1horatio · 18/12/2016 15:04

And anyway, I imagine one of the reasons DH is going is because he needs it.

My DH (also currently a SATP) is also doing his best to make sure his days are structured.

Olympiathequeen · 18/12/2016 15:11

It does seem excessive and expensive. I suspect it's for the dads benefit as much as the child's.

Explain to dh about 'benign neglect' and say it's a good opportunity for him to start improving his back to work skills on his computer.

BahHumbug16 · 18/12/2016 15:12

You are being very unreasonable, what he does whilst he's looking after his child is up to him!
It will really benefit your child in the long run! I wish I had the time to do as much with my son!
What else would you spend the money on? Why not invest in your child's future?
Ps children thrive with structure!

Allthewaves · 18/12/2016 15:15

Frankly we couldn't have afforded that when dh was sahd. He did rugby class once a wk. The rest were daily toddler groups so a £1, trips to the parks and roller swim session which was £2 for the both of them

redcaryellowcar · 18/12/2016 15:17

I've sensed some men are not very good at unstructured classes or playgroups. The ones where the children cause mayhem and the mums sit chat and drink tea? Do you think he likes the rigidity of these classes? Maybe you could point him in the direction of some Facebook groups where he could find things to do at home, like homemade play dough recipe? (Imagination tree?) Do you have duplo, ours gets a lot of use from visiting dads (and mums!) he might enjoy messy play tray, there is a Facebook group for tuff trays? We couldn't afford that many classes, we have one employed parent and one stay at home and do two classes a week. Some children's centres have lots of activities and some specifically aimed at daddy/ granddaddy carers?

Allthewaves · 18/12/2016 15:17

When I was on ma ternary leave again money would have been too tight. Surely those type of classes are about £6 a session, so £12 a day = £70 a wk on classes Shock

frazzlebedazzle · 18/12/2016 16:00

Wow, I think OP is getting a tough time for a pretty reasonable question.

Op of course over stimulation is a thing, and a valid concern. And yes it is definitely advocated that children should be allowed to be bored, learn how to entertain themselves and foster creativity, so I don't think you should get a hard time for raising that. There's lots of research on this so could you look at this and talk to him about adding a bit of unstructured time? Gradually perhaps as Ds may be used to being entertained (and DH Grin)

Toddler classes are great, but I agree that 2 a day is excessive, and agree with the posters that say that the whole process of getting dressed, fed, snacks and getting there, then the class (nap after?) would take up the majority of the day. Not a great deal of time for free play and being outdoors. Is there an element of this allowing DH to sit back? Think a pp may have said this earlier. Also depends on the group, if it's a free play playgroup, that still gives Ds time for independent play.

In his defence, it's hardly the worst thing though, and I think before I had DD I would have thought it sounded lovely. But I do agree with some of your concerns, no doubt it depends on your child.

And you're allowed to have an opinion on the cost but is that your primary concern?

frazzlebedazzle · 18/12/2016 16:02

Ps YANBU for questioning the situation, but I'd take a positive tack with DH.

GoofyTheHero · 18/12/2016 16:40

When I was on ma ternary leave again money would have been too tight. Surely those type of classes are about £6 a session, so £12 a day = £70 a wk on classes shock

The OP has said that they can afford it.