AIBU to not want someone I don't know to look after my child?

[bookworm91]

MIL wants us to get an agency babysitter over a weekend away so we can all go to dinner one evening . No-one else seems to have a problem with this but me! DP thinks I am being unreasonable and that alot of people do this. We have never had someone i don't know look after DD before , She is 3 yrs old and has only been look after by family members or friends when needing a sitter . She also goes to nursery ( which i view as different ) who here has used an agency and do you have any issues with it?

I would never have left a 3 year old with a stranger. Nor would my daughters. Stick to your guns and don't be bullied into doing something you feel is wrong .

Would it be possible to all stay in and hire a chef? Have had this a few times for special occasions (not organised by ne so no idea of cost).

boomboom im not saying that at all . Im not naive enough to think it doesnt happen with people you know. I just think that i can trust my own instincts on these things and with a complete stranger u know nothing! As tanith has proved it seems that anyone can become a sitter through an agency with minimal vetting ( not saying all agencies are this bad) but some at least are.

I used to work in a fancy hotel and lots of guests who stayed with their children booked a local sitter through an agency we recommended so they could enjoy a kid free meal in the hotel/local pub. I even did it sometimes for extra cash.

Has anything bad ever happened to a child left with an agency baby sitter?

Don't do it! It's fine to use an agency, but it may take time to get used to a new sitter--why would anyone expect a child to stay with a complete stranger? And not all agencies are the same. I used one for help when I had surgery, but she didn't turn up on said day, and the next day, one did turn up, complained she was ill, and actually vomited right over my baby!

I would not do it. It sounds like madness to me. Leaving a 3 year old with someone you don't know and they don't know.

Tanith - thanks for the clarification. We've no family able or willing to babysit - its a bit of a minefield.

If the weekend is away then surely it would be too far for nursery staff to travel

It is difficult Notonthestairs. Most of my babysitting work is from my childminding clients, so they already know me well.

If vetting is something that concerns you, I think your best option is to find a local childcarer who you can interview and check yourself. They will have a reputation locally to uphold and you can check that their experience and qualifications are up to date.
Agencies shouldn't be relied upon to do this. My interview was over 10 years ago - that's a very long time to go without any subsequent vetting and checks.

BertrandRussell

"Has any child ever come to harm while in the care of an agency babysitter? No? Thought not."

More sneering, Bertrand?

The child is usually safely asleep with no interaction necessary, although you probably won't know if the babysitter is checking on them regularly.

Even so, the potential is certainly there and some children have come to harm through not being checked and misadministration of medicine.

If you mean, has anyone died yet, then no they haven't. Do we really need to wait until then before we raise concerns?

book the naivety in thinking it doesn't happen with people you know stems from people thinking they can trust their own instincts. But most successful abusers are not obvious.

My kids at 3 would have freaked waking up to see a stranger looking after them.

I certainly wouldn't have left any of my kids with a stranger either. No way.

If you went, you probably wouldn't relax and enjoy the meal anyway so why not suggest a more family friendly time for eating out - that way ALL the family can go , including you and your daughter.

BertrandRussell

"Has any child ever come to harm while in the care of an agency babysitter? No? Thought not."

I'd have thought that something bad had happened in every situation you can get unfortunately, no situation is exempt... bad things have happened to children in their parents care, with nannys, relations, step- relations, siblings, at nursery, at play groups, in schools, clubs and with au pairs.

Sadly, although these things are rare, they do happen. All we can do is use our experience, brains and our knowledge of our children and other people to keep them as safe as we can.

Unless you're saying agency babysitting is somehow exempt from real life?

OP its your decision. Don't be pushed into something you feel uncomfortable with, but equally so don't jump to conclusions about whole types of childcare without examining your decisions.

I think you sound perfectly reasonable and thoughtful about this though :) My advice is to be strong and not pushed around... in reality I might be tempted to agree with MIL then oh dear little DC has a temperature on the night/ babysitter sadly cancelled or whatever, and stay at the hotel with your child whilst they go to the restaurant.

My kids at that age would have completely freaked out about someone they didn't know sitting for them (worries about potential abusers aside) I would say no and say it's a lovely idea but maybe save it for when the kids are older or a friend could sit

YANBU. Are you away in the U.K? If abroad then the regulation might be different. Also it's one thing to have your DC looked after in their own home, quite another to leave them with a stranger in a strange place. I wasn't happy leaving DS with my parents the night after we moved into our new house despite having a gig I desperately wanted to go to, it didn't seem fair on him. (I've left him loads, he's had a weekend with my folks by himself before) Do what you think is in your child's best interests and nothing else. Xx

bookworm I have been trying to follow all the posts. Can I ask if you have had a chat with your MIL yet and told her you and your dd will be staying in the hotel.

Just to show you the other side of possible options. My in-laws (who are great) have never asked us, or expected us, to have a sitter. They have been happy to go out for lunches or early dinners so that our daughter, and now our son, could be included. There is always the option for a meal at the hotel or close by and for the family, my in laws and my husband to carry on drinking in the bar etc (if they wish to) without me and the kids. I know if the tables were turned and it was my family my dh would be happy to take the kids home/to the hotel so I could continue the night with my family.

The bottom line is, they are your children, you get to decide who looks after them, you and your dh decide together and if there are any 'issues' about who one of you chooses to babysit the other gets to say no, and the status quo is trusted/known people agreed by you both.

Don't be pushed around in this, it will only set up the future of more times when your MIL thinks she can tell you what to do, and it is not acceptable.

The guilt trip, if you cannot come - no one goes! That 'sounds' like she is being inclusive and valuing you but of course it shows she is being bossy and not valuing your opinion. Do not give in.

YANBU. MIL is not the boss of you. Just tell her that you will not be hiring a stranger to look after DC so either they go without you or they do not go at all. I wouldn't leave a 3yo with a stranger either.

I personally wouldn't want to use a sitter that my children don't know.

If you can't use friends or family then pay a member of staff from their nursery, someone they know quite well already. Definitely don't be bullied and feel stressed about it.