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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want someone I don't know to look after my child?

195 replies

bookworm91 · 16/12/2016 13:42

MIL wants us to get an agency babysitter over a weekend away so we can all go to dinner one evening . No-one else seems to have a problem with this but me! DP thinks I am being unreasonable and that alot of people do this. We have never had someone i don't know look after DD before , She is 3 yrs old and has only been look after by family members or friends when needing a sitter . She also goes to nursery ( which i view as different ) who here has used an agency and do you have any issues with it?

OP posts:

voddiekeepsmesane · 16/12/2016 19:39

Nobody is MAKING you do this. You don't want to do it then don't, really isn't an issue IMO. Stop trying to put it on others and actually take control of how you feel and act accordingly. When DS was young (now almost 13) my mum, MIL, SFIL, FIL all thought I was weird not to want to leave DS with sitters over Christmas while adults and older children went to panto or restaurants around Christmas time onlu my SMIL understood. I didn't care, I wanted to be with DS. When he was old enough to join in then all was good. It is only a few years then they and in turn you can join in again.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 16/12/2016 19:41

Thinking about it, we did use a Centre Parks sitter for DS when he was 5m. (The weekend away was for a special company anniversary). At that age he was quite easily consoled. Being based through the site gave me more confidence in accountability, but generally, it's not an option that I'd rush to go down. I use familiar friends (who are CRBed through a voluntary role) who know me and the DCs well.

Don't be bullied into what you are uncomfortable with.

The best ever conversation I had was:
A: if you do X, I'll do Y (insert martyr consequence)
Me: OK then, that's your choice
A: no, that's not OK, you're making me do Y
Me: no I'm not. You're choosing to do Y if I do X.

They weren't used to being called out on their blackmail, and it was the start of them learning that I would no longer submit to their demands.

oldlaundbooth · 16/12/2016 19:44

I have a three year old and I would NOT use someone I didn't know so I could go out for dinner.

PuntCuffin · 16/12/2016 19:54

I didn't think I would ever use an 'unknown' person until this summer when I had an event that I was absolutely had to attend. All nursery staff and friends were already busy/booked. So I took a deep breath and booked through sitters.co.uk as I knew a friend who had used them. I rang them and explained my fears. The sitter phoned me and we had a long chat beforehand so I could make sure I was comfortable with her etc. I was assured that ALL their sitters are fully DBS checked.

Anyway, she was brilliant and we have used them several times since. And have consistently found them better than 'known' nursery staff.

But at the end of the day, only you can decide what you are comfortable with.

Nigglenaggle · 16/12/2016 19:55

somewhat has the right idea. No one has the right to dictate childcare for your children, particularly so young. Stand your ground OP (PS. I'm sure even the people disagreeing don't think you sound unhinged. What an 'interesting ' thing to say....)

colouringinagain · 16/12/2016 20:00

Your child, your decision. That is all.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 16/12/2016 20:04

Yanbu, you are the parent. I wouldn't do it. I'd be sending dh off to dinner with them without me, settling down with wine Chicago and a good book, and having a better time than talking to people who clearly don't respect my opinion.

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 16/12/2016 20:10

So far from U, it's different doing something when you have no other choice but you do. In a similar situation I've said no thank you, DS is unsettled and will be scared of a stranger. You go and enjoy having some family time with your son (DH). Then repeat as necessary but do not give in. Also what if you cave and book someone and they turn up and you don't get a good vibe - what are you going to do then with MIL et al tapping their feet waiting on you. Far easier to put the foot down now.

Viviennemary · 16/12/2016 20:10

I think it's entirely up to you and if you don't feel comfortable with this then don't do it. I have used baby sitting service on holiday and that seemed fine.

dottydee3 · 16/12/2016 20:12

Don't be bullied, I wouldn't do this either

Refluxsux · 16/12/2016 20:13

Would the compromise not be to have the sitter call you if DD wakes and you can go back to her? We've used agency sitters at hotels and never had a problem. Pay someone else and I guarantee she will sleep through!

Bobochic · 16/12/2016 20:13

My DD absolutely hated babysitters when she was little. I used them as little as possible but I didn't much like leaving her with people she didn't know.

Kirstyl123 · 16/12/2016 20:15

Hey.. I'm a babysitter, not for an agency but I am on a website childcare.co.uk. I just wanted to give an opinion from the other side 😊
Obviously if you really don't feel comfortable in doing it, don't, as said above you won't enjoy yourself if you're worrying.
But if you decide to do it... most childcarers on these agency's and websites will have references that you can follow up on, some will be registered with ofsted, or work for nurseries themselves. I have babysat for people I don't know before, but have taken the time to send them references, crb qualifications, ofsted cert etc, I also message parents that want me to, to let them know everything is ok while they're out. Most will be used to children who don't sleep well or children who are upset& will let you know if you want them to. There are some fantastic childcarers out there & I know there are stories but if you go with a well known agency with someone with a good reputation you will be fine

StandAndBeCounted · 16/12/2016 20:23

I wouldn't be comfortable with it either. MAYBE if I was desperate desperate for a sitter and the two people who do look after mine (a friend and my mum) couldn't do it, I might consider using an agency to find someone local that I liked and could then start to use regularly once I knew them.

But as a one off in a strange place, no way.

Could you offer to cook for everyone so you could all have dinner and wine in together while your daughter sleeps?

belgina · 16/12/2016 20:29

I would consider it at home, in her safe & trusted environment, but not in a strange place. Chances are that she'll wake & be unsettled if anything like mine and I feel my dcs need me for that.
Are you in a hotel or a home? Couldn't you just do a nice meal after bedtime where you are staying?

Tallulahoola · 16/12/2016 20:30

I would never do this for the same reason as you - if DD(3) woke in the night she would freak out that there was only a stranger there. I think it depends on the child and what they're used to. I have friends who used agency nannies from when their DC were babies, so they're used to it. Also I can see DS though still a baby is much more chilled about who looks after him, so I might consider it in his case.

You know your own child. If you think they'd be upset then don't let anyone bully you into it.

MsJudgemental · 16/12/2016 20:32

Get a grip. It's a meal out at a local restaurant.

We did this for an evening when in Portugal, accompanying my DH on an academic trip when DS was about 18 months. Although we took him to a fado club one evening, where he was made very welcome, this was a large dinner and show which would not have been appropriate to take him to. The hotels organised a sitter for us, they had a play and then he went to bed while she watched TV. No problem.

If you are going to have any sort of an adult life after children you need to be able to let go occasionally.

Millymollymanatee · 16/12/2016 20:33

Don't do it if you don't feel comfortable. Stand up to your MIL and stand your ground. Bullies tend to step away if you confront them.

SirNiallDementia · 16/12/2016 20:38

I wouldn't use an agency sitter either.

I only use people our DC and I know e.g family, friends and DS2's key worker from nursery.

Your kids your choice!

Moomintoes · 16/12/2016 20:39

I would never do this. Can't you go earlier on so your dd can go with you too? X

Billben · 16/12/2016 20:56

No way would I have somebody look after my child that I've never met (or in fact my child has never met) just so I can go out for a poxy meal. Stand your ground.

Bogeyface · 16/12/2016 21:08

I have a friend who works throught sitters, I have other friends who have used the service, I have no issue with anyone who does.

But I wouldnt. I dont feel comfortable with it and YANBU at all. If MIL wants to push then let her, but stand your ground.

Bogeyface · 16/12/2016 21:10

Get a grip. It's a meal out at a local restaurant.

If you are going to have any sort of an adult life after children you need to be able to let go occasionally.

Well thank you for that O Oracle.

I assume the username is meant to be ironic? Fail.

PurpleMinionMummy · 16/12/2016 21:18

Yanbu. None of mine would have been happy left with a stranger at 3.

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/12/2016 21:22

"And the people commenting say freinds may be abusers, surely if you really know a person this wouldnt happen."

Book what you are saying here is that every mother of a child who has been abused by a friend knew what was happening and allowed it. Do you really think that's true?

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