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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want someone I don't know to look after my child?

195 replies

bookworm91 · 16/12/2016 13:42

MIL wants us to get an agency babysitter over a weekend away so we can all go to dinner one evening . No-one else seems to have a problem with this but me! DP thinks I am being unreasonable and that alot of people do this. We have never had someone i don't know look after DD before , She is 3 yrs old and has only been look after by family members or friends when needing a sitter . She also goes to nursery ( which i view as different ) who here has used an agency and do you have any issues with it?

OP posts:
Gruffalosgrandma · 16/12/2016 14:47

A strange person and a strange place is a bit much to ask for a 3year old I think.

ChampagneSupernovaX · 16/12/2016 14:47
  • it would be fine

Damn autocorrect!
Also, YANBU

Mumek · 16/12/2016 14:48

I wouldn't leave her with a stranger. Go with your gut.x

Original poster
bookworm91 · 16/12/2016 14:50

i am suprised at how many people actually dont mind complete strangers looking after their kids. I dont have problem with other people doing it ... your kids your choice , but really dont think im that unreasonable in not wanting to. Maybe I read to many horror stories about situations when trusting your child in the hands of others. They can be vetted to the high heavens but you just never know do u ? i dont think im willing to chance it!.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 16/12/2016 14:55

It's not really different to a nursery worker looking after them for the day. I can't get worked up about it. But again, totally your call and your MIL just needs to be told no.

cornflowerblu · 16/12/2016 14:56

I've used sitters.co.uk for many years and have always found them to be excellent, therefore, yes I would otherwise I'd have not been out in the last 14 years.

80schild · 16/12/2016 14:58

Well it depends doesn't it. There are complete strangers and then qualified teachers / TAs / childcare professionals trying to earn a bit of money over the holiday. We used the same babysitter for a long time and then she started up her own babysitting agency and kept on sending us people. Most of the people she has sent are really good, sweet with kids and have a background in child education.

On the other hand, just because you know someone doesn't mean they are good with children and when I looked at statistics recently I discovered most paedos are people who "know" the family.

My only issue with having numerous babysitters is that they don't really get to know any of them particularly well and form a close bond.

MrsLupo · 16/12/2016 15:01

In what sense are agency staff just as monitored as nursery staff? Babysitters work alone, behind closed doors. With a single, pre-school aged child, I wouldn't even consider this arrangement. Go with your gut, OP. And if the others say no one can go if you don't agree to go too, they're just being manipulative and should be ashamed of themselves.

angstybaby · 16/12/2016 15:01

i wouldn't leave her with someone that neither we nor her knew.

i also hate been manipulated into doing things: stand your ground. your her mum, you decide whether you're happy with it. and if no-one goes out for dinner, then that's their choice and not your responsibility. don't feel bad about their failed attempt to bully you

diddl · 16/12/2016 15:02

Why is it such a big deal to the others that you don't want to do it, Op?

Will the whole evening be ruined without you?

Can your husband not manage a family dinner without you?

You don't want to do it & that's that-doesn't matter what anyone else would think or do.

As I put earlier, a meal with my Ils wouldn't be something that I would want to do enough to use an agency sitter for.

(I'd be glad of an excuse not to go!)

cornflowerblu · 16/12/2016 15:04

I agree, All our sitters are professionals, most of them seem to either be Nanny's or TA's. We've got to know some of them really well and my kids often ask then X is coming as they need to tell them something. I go on my gut instinct, how they are when they come over and to be honest if I hear that a Sitter (our current fave) has been a TA in a local school for 22 years I feel happy that they're ok. Another one turned out to be a mum from school who is also a childminder and who I have plenty of mutual friends with. Obviously, anything can go wrong but I can honestly say that we've got sitters who the kids adore and who we would never have to know unless we'd gone through the agency.

GlitterGlue · 16/12/2016 15:07

I wouldn't, not because I think they'll abduct my child or something, but because I'd hate child to wake up and find only a stranger there. Happened to friends, although babysitter was someone they knew (child did not) child was inconsolable.

Tanith · 16/12/2016 15:07

I've worked for a very well-known babysitting agency.

No, you don't get to check their qualifications and no the babysitters (however lovely they may be) are not just as monitored as nursery staff. All they rely on is the feedback from parents who use them.

I had one interview at the start from a supervisor-type woman (actually just another babysitter who'd been doing it longer) and that was it!

The fact that they do not monitor their babysitters has enabled quite a few who no longer work in childcare to happily carry on babysitting for years. No-one bothers to check on them.

So I think it's entirely the Op's call and what she feels comfortable with. The chances are strongly that all will be fine, but I certainly wouldn't sneer at her very real concerns.

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/12/2016 15:09

You don't know with friends and family though book. I understand why people are nervous about it, knowing someone gives you a semblemce of control. As though somehow you'd magically spot an abusive one. But it's much easier for an abuser to get away with latching on to one or two children they see regularly than to abuse many children they only briefly meet.

Oblomov16 · 16/12/2016 15:09

Not a bad idea to get a sitter in place now, for future events as well.
I do believe all couples should go out. Occasionally.

Batteriesallgone · 16/12/2016 15:20

It's totally different once you've got an older child who can reliably communicate, particularly if they are quite a nurturing sibling and the younger one feels reassured by them. A 3 yr old on her own? No, I wouldn't do it.

scallopsrgreat · 16/12/2016 15:22

Would your MIL have this reaction if it was your DH who had the problem with leaving your child with an unknown sitter?

Has he told her it's you with the problem (rather than a united front approach)?

Original poster
bookworm91 · 16/12/2016 15:25

really Tanith?! see that says it all! I know that 9 times out of 10 the babysitter will be lovely and there will be no problems but there is a risk there still. And the people commenting say freinds may be abusers, surely if you really know a person this wouldnt happen. These kind of things stress me out , how are we ment to safeguard and protect our children if everyone can be seen as a potential 'abuser'?

OP posts:
BakeOffBiscuits · 16/12/2016 15:34

Your post is quite shocking Tanith. I'd have presumed you were at the very least CBR checked!

OP there is no way I'd leave my 3 year old, with someone I or she didn't know. Stick to your guns, they cannot make you go! Just keep repeating "I'm not comfortable doing it and I won't be. The rest of you should go".

NickyEds · 16/12/2016 15:36

It's not that I would see them as a potential abuser, just a stranger. If my almost 3 year old woke up they wouldn't know them and it would be very distressing. There would be little point either as even if I left them it would never enjoy the night out so it would be a waste of money.

Trifleorbust · 16/12/2016 15:37

surely if you really know a person this wouldnt happen

That's the point, isn't it? You will never know most people well enough to know if they have those tendencies. They hide them well. It really is no different leaving a child with a stranger to leaving them with a trusted uncle, auntie or friend, at least from the point of view of knowing whether they are a child abuser. You can obviously have a much stronger understanding of their general level of responsible behaviour and experience with children.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 16/12/2016 15:38

Suggest a compromise - have an early meal so DD can come too.

Primaryteach87 · 16/12/2016 15:39

I would happily do this but I don't think it's unreasonable to take your view. It's your child, you decide.

Batteriesallgone · 16/12/2016 15:57

Agree that abuse more likely with, say, a grandparent than with a stranger. Also that abuse less likely to happen as a one off than someone setting themselves up in a position of trust and grooming a child over time. I should think a babysitter abusing children on the first encounter would be so generally reckless they'd be caught fairly quickly so in reality pretty unlikely.

But as other PPs have said, if you have a 3 year old who still wakes at night the chance of them getting distressed because it's a stranger with them is pretty high I'd have thought. And they aren't really old enough to properly understand it or explain their needs to the stranger.

user1480946351 · 16/12/2016 16:01

And the people commenting say freinds may be abusers, surely if you really know a person this wouldnt happen

That is incredibly naive. And a dangerous attitude to have when you have children.

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