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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel very let down by my sister

269 replies

SooSmith · 16/12/2016 00:17

Just a bit of background… I work in the NHS, and as part of my job I do 24/7 shifts from 6am until 8pm. I’m the manager of a small team who take it in turns to work over the holidays. It was my turn to have Christmas off this year, but my deputy has had to start her maternity leave early for medical reasons. There will be other staff there over Christmas, but either myself or my deputy must be in with them. I have been told by my boss that I have to work – as I am in charge I accept I have to suck it up.

However, I am a single parent with two children.. My sister has been coming to us for quite a few years now, and sharing Christmas with me. The kids adore her and I like her coming, although sometimes I think she grows a root out of her arse when it comes to helping in the kitchen.

I will be home at 5pm at the latest, and have told her what has happened. To be told that it’s no problem as she’ll go to some man she’s been seeing for a few weeks. I wanted her to come over on Christmas eve and stay over until after Boxing Day so that I can go to work! She knows I can’t find childcare for the Christmas break at this short notice, but so far begging and pleading has been to no avail.

AIBU to feel very let down by my sister? Since the children’s father vanished about four years ago, I have asked her to help once when I had to go to work at short notice. I am completely in the shit about this!

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 17/12/2016 15:43

She knows I can’t find childcare for the Christmas break at this short notice, but so far begging and pleading has been to no avail.

I don't think there's any doubt that the sister knows she's dropped her ds in the shit. Had it actually been discussed and confirmed that she would be coming this Christmas or was it an assumption based on previous years? It would certainly seem that she hasn't perhaps enjoyed coming and looking after the DC as much as you'd hoped.

I think you have to go to your manager and simply explain that although you've bent over backwards to try to find childcare ( have you?), you simply cannot find anyone and cannot leave them alone. You have a track record of doing your share and it's not even your year to be working. They won't be happy but will have to find another solution.

Instead of pleading with ds I would now tell her you are really pissed off and disappointed with her. That is, unless there is a huge back story and she has an entirely different story to tell.

MatildaTheCat · 17/12/2016 15:48

Oops, sorry, I missed about 6 pages there!

AllotmentyPlenty · 17/12/2016 17:17

Have you tried www.sitters.co.uk - they have got me out of a few similar binds.

timeisnotaline · 17/12/2016 17:24

My friend Noel's plan is right - you were rostered off. You are not the maternity cover. Your manager doesn't have a leg to stand on m, and you need to log this with hr as unreasonable behaviour.

viques · 17/12/2016 17:56

Wow , your sister is a piece of work. I only hope you bought her a fabulous present which you will really enjoy keeping for yourself.

maybeshesawomble · 17/12/2016 18:03

You poor thing OP. Agree with Allotmenty, try sitters.co.uk - they're brilliant.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/12/2016 18:08

I actually think you need to look at your contract.

You have admitted you hadn't thought about this sort of scenario when you took your promotion.

With promotion comes extra responsibility usually and this may be one of those times.

luckylorca · 17/12/2016 18:43

OP: as a last resort, see if your local church/es have any ideas. My local one is incredible and the staff and congregation have helped me out with terrible situations including providing emergency care for my toddler when I (also a single mum) was in A&E. They might have a full day of events at church that your kids could join (like mine) e.g. Morning service, Sunday school, followed by lunch for families in need, etc. Our church has an amazing family pastor who would personally supervise the kids at these events in your absence, if it was really necessary.

Failing that, do you have a Facebook page or group email list for your children's classes? If so, post a general plea for help and see who responds. That way, you're not putting specific friends in the awkward position of feeling like they have to say yes!

Lots of luck. X

DinosaursRoar · 17/12/2016 18:56

Nuclear option (as it will mean not seeing your DCs) - is there any chance of flying them over to your parents if your parents won't /can't come over to you? It will mean you don't get to spend christmas with them though. Sad

Christmasnoooooooooooo · 17/12/2016 19:13

I think you are going to have pay for child care sitters agency? It is part of your job so you going to sick it up and pay though the nose for childcare .

llangennith · 17/12/2016 19:32

What luckylorca said. And failing that, tell your manager the truth. You've done your best.

GreenDino · 17/12/2016 19:43

It would be so very unfortunate if one of the children caught a bug on xmas eve but perhaps projectile vomiting and a temp is the only way, you want to be with them surely. Life's too short, it's only a job, it's xmas, stay home!

christinarossetti · 17/12/2016 20:54

OP has told her boss the truth, which resulted in his 'get your life together,' comment.

This is not OP's problem, it's her manager's.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/12/2016 21:02

Life's too short, it's only a job, it's xmas, stay home!

Maybe not think 'it's only a job' if OP loses said job.

Purplealienpuke · 17/12/2016 22:13

If you're in Edinburgh I'm happy to offer taking the kids xmas day. Only 3 coming so won't be a stretch to add 2 more!
Hope you can sort the work issue out so you don't have to go in!
You're sister def not helpful, especially if she had every intention of spending xmas with you anyway!
Can't choose your family. ....

burblish · 17/12/2016 23:25

mimishimmi, I can't imagine what behaviour OP's children would need to have displayed in order for an adult to be justified in calling them "c*nts". You cannot seriously be defending OP's sister calling them that.

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 17/12/2016 23:40

Go back up the management chain tell them you do not have childcare and that is your primary responsibility, they either give a special allowance to allow children in that say ( although not sure if this is appropriate fir the age of your children and where you work) or say you can not do it again this short notice.

Original poster
SooSmith · 17/12/2016 23:54

Just popped in ... working this weekend but nothing new to report.

Burblish I agree. How could anyone use such foul, abusive words to describe children.

I'm done with my sister, and I've told my parents she said that.

Not possible for them to come by the way.

OP posts:
CalmItKermitt · 18/12/2016 00:04

I would cut her off for that hideous remark.

Pipistrelle40 · 18/12/2016 00:07

What did your parents say OP?

Have to say am amazed at the number of strangers willing to look after your children, they may be completely feral for all anyone knows. Maybe your Dsis could come on MN and comment.

P00pchute · 18/12/2016 00:16

Mimishimmi maybe her sister is just a dickhead? If someone dared to call my kids 'little cunts,' I'd likely have their eyes out. What a horror.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 18/12/2016 00:29

Appalling that you are not only in a terribly difficult position, but that your sister and manager are being so spiteful.
I would put in writing your situation to your manager's manager, saying that you were "very surprised and disappointed" with his response. Reiterate that you have worked previously on Christmas Day and absolutely accept that this can be part of the role but are unable to find childcare this year at such short notice.

If you dropped dead tomorrow they would have to find a replacement - nobody is irreplaceable - so they need to find someone themselves. Perhaps they will need to offer triple or quadruple pay - but that is NYP Not Your Problem.

mimishimmi · 18/12/2016 00:42

The c%#t word was totally inappropriate, granted, but sounds like the Dsis was at breaking point after being begged for the fourth or fifth time if she could provide childcare. She has other plans, it's not she has never helped out - she's looked after them the past few Christmas's whilst OP has worked so OP should have left it at that the first time she asked and looked at other arrangements. It sounds like OP and the Dsis would both welcome a break from each other...

whatdayisittomorrow · 18/12/2016 00:44

I hope your cunt of a sister gets used n dumped by her bf! What an absolute twat

kikisparks · 18/12/2016 08:43

m.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=3235

Could that work if you can't find childcare? I presume you've checked there are no nannies who want to work Christmas Day?