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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel very let down by my sister

269 replies

SooSmith · 16/12/2016 00:17

Just a bit of background… I work in the NHS, and as part of my job I do 24/7 shifts from 6am until 8pm. I’m the manager of a small team who take it in turns to work over the holidays. It was my turn to have Christmas off this year, but my deputy has had to start her maternity leave early for medical reasons. There will be other staff there over Christmas, but either myself or my deputy must be in with them. I have been told by my boss that I have to work – as I am in charge I accept I have to suck it up.

However, I am a single parent with two children.. My sister has been coming to us for quite a few years now, and sharing Christmas with me. The kids adore her and I like her coming, although sometimes I think she grows a root out of her arse when it comes to helping in the kitchen.

I will be home at 5pm at the latest, and have told her what has happened. To be told that it’s no problem as she’ll go to some man she’s been seeing for a few weeks. I wanted her to come over on Christmas eve and stay over until after Boxing Day so that I can go to work! She knows I can’t find childcare for the Christmas break at this short notice, but so far begging and pleading has been to no avail.

AIBU to feel very let down by my sister? Since the children’s father vanished about four years ago, I have asked her to help once when I had to go to work at short notice. I am completely in the shit about this!

OP posts:
OpalTree · 17/12/2016 06:16

As it was the op's turn to have Christmas off this year then it wasn't last year. The sister has been coming for years, so presumably she looked after the kids last Christmas day, possibly other ones too. Maybe she wanted a break this year.
Hope you find a friend to take them op.

SallyInSweden · 17/12/2016 06:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seven201 · 17/12/2016 06:42

Wow your boss and sister are horrible! I can't believe your sister is doing this. You need to email hr I think and explain the situation, including boss' reaction. You have no childcare so are completely stuck.

pklme · 17/12/2016 06:42

A colleague or school friend. So sorry you are in this situation.

myfriendnoel · 17/12/2016 07:30

It's not acceptable for your manager to speak to you that way 'do him a favour and look for something else'. At this point I would seriously consider doing just that if my manager was such a twat.you will get agency work fairly easily I would have thought.

I manage care services that require staff in 24/7 including Christmas Day. Every year someone on the rota calls in sick. I highly suspect they aren't sick, but because of self certification up to 5 working days I can't prove it.From an HR point of view there is nothing I can do about it except point out to them that the rest of the team have been put under strain and someone else's Christmas (often mine) has been affected.
I either cover it myself or use agency. I would not cover it myself if it meant me having to leave my kids alone however, as the risk of harm to them would be higher than the risk of me not going to work.

You have been honest with your manager and he hasn't helped.The next step is to go to his manager and tell them the situation. Because you have tried all solutions with child care and have no options. You can't leave two kids alone all day clearly. If they want you to work then they will have to make a special exception and allow you bring the kids with you. (Again I have done this for staff in the past-not even on Christmas Day, but on a weekend when I couldn't get cover). I know it's not ideal when you have just warned someone in tor team for this, but with management permission, pre agreed, it's a different situation.

To the pp that said 'single parents don't have a right to to have Christmas off' -no they don't.OP has worked Christmas in the past-but she was due to be off this year.I don't think she has implied she thinks her single parent status gives her the 'right' to anything.

I also think your sister is being rubbish. Not because she has had free meals the last couple of years an still won't help, not because she seems to have ditched you for a man, but because she has been told that two
Kids, her family at that, will be alone on Christmas, and that her sister needs help desperately and has still said no. As a person, never mind that she's your sister, I would say that makes her pretty rubbish tbh.

I'm also a single parent, luckily with family that could and would help out at a push. But I recognise the dismay of being in this situation.
I hope you get something worked out op.

christinarossetti · 17/12/2016 07:41

myfriendnoel is right. This is still your manager's problem to sort out, even if he wants to pretend that it isn't.

NoSunNoMoon · 17/12/2016 07:51

Agree with those who say make it clear to your manager you will not be in and speak to someone higher up the chain.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/12/2016 07:57

To the pp that said 'single parents don't have a right to to have Christmas off'

That was me and it was in response to someone who said single parents should never have to work Christmas.

Themoreitsnowstiddlypom · 17/12/2016 08:18

Force your bosses hand op, either your not coming in or the kids come with you, bosses choice, hard call for him but that's the deal you make when your the boss, give him your choice and if he doesn't get back to you then that's what your doing, it's not like you haven't tried to sort it.
On another note op, I left the emergency services when I knew I wanted kids as I knew there was always a chance something similar to this could happen, it's the nature of the job and even if your sister wasn't being a twat here there could be other circumstances where you could not find childcare at such short notice etc. It doesn't happen often but it can happen. Please consider this, no one is obliged to help you, yes it may be harsh and maybe unreasonable but they're not obliged nor may they actually be able to, you are going to accommodate something like this happening again and have a worst case senario for this kind of thing. You may need to stay on at work and the kids need sorting, at such short notice what if the person you rely on couldn't step up what then?
Tough thinking I know but unfortunatley these circumstances can happen in this line of work and clearly you can't always rely on others to step up,and help you for various reasons not just selfish ones, ultimately you need to be sure you can cover your employment contract and your kids.
Hope you figure it out soon.

WhisperingLoudly · 17/12/2016 08:34

Yep still your bosses problem.

What would happen if you were struck down with the plague on Christmas Eve? What would be his contingency plan? That's what he needs to invoke now.

brummiesue · 17/12/2016 09:14

Sorry to hear all this, you need to set up a meeting with your manager (and possibly hr) letting him know you are unable to work, take your union rep for backup. Just out of interest if you were working last year who looked after your children then? Was it your sister? If so that would go someway to explaining why she is being the way she is

Pigflewpast · 17/12/2016 11:10

myfriendnoel is giving good advice, go to his manager. Nothing to add just wanted to highlight their advice so you didn't miss it in all the comments SooSmith

GiantHulkHands · 17/12/2016 11:56

I agree with myfriendnoel

Good luck OP xx

QueenLizIII · 17/12/2016 13:29

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mimishimmi · 17/12/2016 13:40

It sounds like your sister has had a gutful to call your kids that. You may have only asked her once to look after the kids at short notice but did you actually ask her to look after them all the other Christmases you were rostered on for (so not short notice)? Perhaps you had promised her that you would have this Christmas off and so she agreed to come but, lo and behold, she's babysitting again. Did you actually expect her to cook them Christmas dinner too the other times based on the comment about her not helping out in the kitchen?

EverySongbirdSays · 17/12/2016 13:55

"Spoiled Little Cunts"

How dreadful.

I wouldn't have them in the same room as her again if she despises them so much.

I haven't got any solutions to suggest I'm afraid, but you have my sympathy Grin

EverySongbirdSays · 17/12/2016 13:56

That should NOT have a Grin there that should be Flowers

I do apologise Blush

SantaIsABastard · 17/12/2016 14:06

Hope you get it sorted. My dh is manager in the nhs and he says he would have let you dying the kids in as an exception!

SantaIsABastard · 17/12/2016 14:06

Oh shit! BRING!

itsmine · 17/12/2016 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlurryFace · 17/12/2016 14:14

Jesus OP, what a shit show! Turns out your manager's a prick and your sister...well! I wouldn't have her over or do her any favours in a hurry! I can't imagine being part of a family where my children/other family children wouldn't be taken in on Xmas day some how.

I suppose you could try begging some friends/DC's friends and bunging them some cash for the trouble/extra food, I would definitely help if a friend came to me with this problem.

mimishimmi · 17/12/2016 14:16

The sister called the OP's kids that after being asked about five times if she could come over and look after them again... despite telling OP she had other plans. They've possibly hounded her each Christmas and have been ungrateful with their presents etc. We have no idea.

anotherdayanothersquabble · 17/12/2016 14:24

Write a transcript of the conversation with your manager, ask him to correct any errors and then ask HR to put it on your file.

I would calmly point out to your sister that for the past X years she has been happy to be entertained at Christmas at your house and that this year should have been no different. Tell her you are sorry she couldn't carry on pretending she liked you and your children and can't bear to be alone with then few a few hours but that her behaviour will make it difficult for you in the future.

Tell you parents!! They might help. ..

Biscuitsneeded · 17/12/2016 14:43

OP you have my sympathy, but at this point it seems like you mostly need to move on from the poor behaviour of your sister and your boss and look for a practical solution. You can't go sick; it will be too obvious. What about your DC's best friends? Could they go there for the day if the parents are amenable (I would have extra kids for the day if their mum was a friend and stuck in this way)? Do you have any single mum friends who might help you out in return for a quid pro quo on another occasion? The saving grace is that you will be finished by 5pm, so you can still come home and have Christmas evening with your DC. It's a crap situation but I understand just how stretched the NHS is at the moment.

mimishimmi · 17/12/2016 15:02

anotherday So how exactly would that go?

"Dear sis, for the past few years (since ex-hubby left) you've been happy to come over here and entertain my kids whilst I worked. This year you tell me you have other plans despite my repeated requests to haul you in again and you have the temerity to call my precious darlings, whom I thought you loved (to look after), 'spoiled little cunts'. I can't even begin on how your poor behaviour is making my life more difficult. Unfortunately if you decide to continue letting me down like this , I might unfortunately not to have you over for Xmas anymore"

Dear Sis might do a little victory dance!! Mission accomplished.