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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel very let down by my sister

269 replies

SooSmith · 16/12/2016 00:17

Just a bit of background… I work in the NHS, and as part of my job I do 24/7 shifts from 6am until 8pm. I’m the manager of a small team who take it in turns to work over the holidays. It was my turn to have Christmas off this year, but my deputy has had to start her maternity leave early for medical reasons. There will be other staff there over Christmas, but either myself or my deputy must be in with them. I have been told by my boss that I have to work – as I am in charge I accept I have to suck it up.

However, I am a single parent with two children.. My sister has been coming to us for quite a few years now, and sharing Christmas with me. The kids adore her and I like her coming, although sometimes I think she grows a root out of her arse when it comes to helping in the kitchen.

I will be home at 5pm at the latest, and have told her what has happened. To be told that it’s no problem as she’ll go to some man she’s been seeing for a few weeks. I wanted her to come over on Christmas eve and stay over until after Boxing Day so that I can go to work! She knows I can’t find childcare for the Christmas break at this short notice, but so far begging and pleading has been to no avail.

AIBU to feel very let down by my sister? Since the children’s father vanished about four years ago, I have asked her to help once when I had to go to work at short notice. I am completely in the shit about this!

OP posts:
icy121 · 16/12/2016 17:37

Definitely don't call in sick.

Pipistrelle40 · 16/12/2016 17:38

A pp asked what would happen if you had booked a holiday to Barbados for Christmas, would you be expected to cancel. Yes you would, that is what happens in management. Your employer can cancel your booked holiday at short notice if they are short staffed. I have had this happen to me and it absolutely sucks.

OP, you say your DC adore your DSis, the feeling obviously isn't mutual sadly.

christinarossetti · 16/12/2016 17:38

OP is likely at work and/or caring for her children.

She hasn't said that she's not going to speak to her manager - give her a chance!

Sunnyfeet · 16/12/2016 17:42

I'm really not sure if your employers could cancel someone's Barbados plans, and lets face it, if you're really senior, then the potential crises you could be facing are generally sort outable via phone/email/Skype.

ALittleMop · 16/12/2016 17:47

Who would cover if you were sick?

How would they deal with the situation?

How will they deal with it if you have no choice but to be absent?

Pipistrelle40 · 16/12/2016 17:52

www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=4303

Interesting article from ACAS. So as long as the OP's employers are giving her sufficient notice ie if she was having two days off, two days notice is sufficient. Afraid pulling the single parent card isn't going to cut it for her.

DinosaursRoar · 16/12/2016 18:06

OP- practical suggestions -

Talk to your boss, explain you have tried but can't get childcare for christmas day at such short notice, you will continue to try, but it is unlikely you'll manage it.

You said your Parents live overseas, is it Europe? I would be calling them and offering to pay flights to the UK - that might end up being cheaper than an emergancy nanny anyway. (was it them who did christmas day care in the past).

Your DCs friends at school - are you friends with any of the mums? I would happily have one of DC's friends over for the day if their mum had to work.

Call nanny agencies - there will be some nannies who will work, but it'll cost you an arm and leg. Worth finding out if they can get anyone.

sophiestew · 16/12/2016 18:10

Me too sunny I am going to hide it - CANCEL THE CHEQUE.

Pipistrelle I could be totally wrong, but the impression I got was that OP was not taking holiday but was rota'd to not be working those days. So those ACAS guidelines would not apply as they relate to holidays. NHS nurses/middle management on AFC contracts would not/could not be forced to come in on their rota'd days off.

I hope you get it sorted OP but please don't call in sick. I'm out.

Sunnyfeet · 16/12/2016 18:12

I''m out too - returning to Style and Beauty.

DinosaursRoar · 16/12/2016 18:15

To be fair to the OP Sunny - she started the thread at midnight last night and it's not impossible that she's not actually had a chance to talk to her boss about it yet.

Sunnyfeet · 16/12/2016 18:21

True - I'' still getting frustrated though!!

AdmiralCissyMary · 16/12/2016 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantaPleaseBringMeEwanMcGregor · 16/12/2016 19:11

Everyone is dumping on the sister, but I have the feeling there's a whole other side to this than simply, "She won't babysit for me."

Regardless, I feel for OP. It's a terrible predicament to be in. I hope it can get worked out favorably, and soon, and that she and her sister can remain on good terms.

Original poster
SooSmith · 16/12/2016 23:50

I have spoken to my manager, he is already working over Christmas at another site, because "it's part of the job and I need to get used to it, and sort my life out. Or do him a favour and look for something else" I was told that I am unprofessional and that I am a liability.

My union rep says that she will back me if I face disciplinary proceedings if I don't go to work.

My sister told me to get knotted when I asked her again to help me, and called my children spoiled little c**ts. I thought she loved them! I will never feel the same about her again, and feel like cutting myself off from her for good.

OP posts:
Pipistrelle40 · 16/12/2016 23:57

Wow, your sister sounds a treasure!

GiddyOnZackHunt · 16/12/2016 23:59

spoiled little c**ts?
For needing someone to care for them on Xmas Day? I wouldn't normally say this but her being dumped on Xmas Eve would be poetic justice.
The union have your back. He needs to get cover for your co-worker. That's his job. The fact he can't only serves to demonstrate how difficult it is to get someone to have your dc.

Sprinklestar · 17/12/2016 01:16

I'd be tempted to go off sick now if that's how you were spoken to by your boss, OP. Sounds like you're being bullied to me.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/12/2016 01:30

Single parent & Christmas, you shouldn't have to work it anyway

Absolute rubbish.

Being a single parent doesn't give you a divine right to not work Christmas.

If you don't want to work Christmas don't do a job where you may have to.

Pipistrelle40 · 17/12/2016 01:32

Trouble is OP if you go off sick now will be a bit obvious. Your manager is working so is going to expect you to pull up to the plate. Maybe you are in the wrong job?

Sisters, who would have them? Have one myself and she is a right madam. Suggest you serve your sister her arsehole on a plate next time she turns up wanting to blag a meal.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/12/2016 01:35

Trouble is OP if you go off sick now will be a bit obvious. Your manager is working so is going to expect you to pull up to the plate. Maybe you are in the wrong job?

I agree.

You admit yourself you didn't think through this aspect of the job when you accepted promotion.

ALittleMop · 17/12/2016 01:52

So, how will they cope on the day if you call in sick?

What is the back up plan for the facility?

Any reasonable manager would understand that you cannot magic up childcare on Xmas Day at short notice, even if it is "part of the job".

All those saying you should have thought it through before taking the job have a point BUT OP is stuck between rock and a hard place now. So what do you suggest she does?

mimishimmi · 17/12/2016 02:41

I don't know. If she has met someone new, I can see why she might want to spend it with him instead of babysitting. It didn't sound she knew she would be signed up for doing that when you invited her over for Christmas. Maybe she only really comes over to see you and doesn't enjoy your kids. Is it really only the second time you've asked her to babysit? It is a royal pain for you of course but it shouldn't be her problem either. You can't hire an agency babysitter?

SouthWindsWesterly · 17/12/2016 03:32

Can I just say that if this relationship with the new man doesn't work out, your sister is going to have a fucking lonely Christmas next year. And the year after.

heateallthebuns · 17/12/2016 05:08

Sounds like you need to look for a new job with that man as your manager! And your sister sounds a bitch tbh! Before I had kids i'd've dropped everything for my nieces and nephews no question.

But I wouldn't go in. It's his problem he needs to sort it out. If he's having so much trouble finding people for cover maybe it's coz he's a dick who can't retain staff. If the union rep has your back then maybe you don't need to call in sick, although maybe the hassle if you don't and don't work isn't worth it.

ErnesttheBavarian · 17/12/2016 05:27

Holy shit, just seen your update. I don't think I would talk to my sis again if she called my dc "spoiled little cts" SadShock Angry.

Who speaks like that about their dns?

You must be feeling so let down anyway that she won't help you, and then turning the vitriol on a couple of little kids who aren't being spoilt, they just need looking after because they are - little kids.

And your boss sounds like he's probably under a lot of stress (trying to be charitable) but nevertheless his comments are really bad.

I have no suggestions unfortunately, but I suspect even if you don't go to work your Christmas is going to feel pretty shit due to all this stress. Sorry OP.

Hope you get something sorted X