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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to genuinely ask why men need 45min to crap?

275 replies

littleoysterslittleoysters · 13/12/2016 23:04

I'm not joking. I have been married 3 years and my dh spends 45mins day on the loo. It will be announced the time has come and he is off! No questions allowed he is gone, whether we have guests or not! We have a lo now and I did say to him that he may have to cut down the time in an emergency. The answer was a shocked face!
I literally poo as fast as I wee, usually with a baby and a dog looking at me! Why do men have a god given right for this time? Or is it just my dh? I know he goes in the first few mins so what does he do the rest of the time? Does it take 40min for mens arses to close? I did ask once but what told not to question a man on the subject! Help me understand!

OP posts:
PinkCrystal · 14/12/2016 00:27

My DH does this. I think he does it to escape for a rest as it is always when sorting the kids tea out etc. It is so annoying when there is only one bathroom between 7 people.

HateSummer · 14/12/2016 00:29

Thumb trick? Sorry. Please explain. Have I been pooping wrong my whole life? Confused

ellamoromou · 14/12/2016 00:33

Niccccce Confused

MollyRedskirts · 14/12/2016 00:34

Is the thumb trick manual evacuation? Pushing on the vaginal wall to move the poo along? I have never tried it, and didn't know you used your thumb.

tiredvommachine · 14/12/2016 00:34

Another one baffled by the thumb trick Confused

Want2bSupermum · 14/12/2016 00:37

I changed the bathroom locks to ones that can be opened from the outside (excuse = what if the kids get stuck in there?!?). If DH spends more than 5mins in the bathroom DD1 has been trained to open the door on him. He is normally looking at his phone and quickly finishes up.

Briarthorn · 14/12/2016 00:40

I read it on MN years ago, and yes, involves inserting an inch or so and pushing down. No more morally offensive or vile than using a tampon I'd have thought Confused

ohlalalalalalalala · 14/12/2016 00:43

ah hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha this made me lol! I could have written this! I poo in 2 seconds flat - my DH will go for a mammoth poo at the worst time - like when we are trying to leave the house, or organise dinner. Its like having a 3rd kid really! Kills me!!!!
I reckon if we bann them from bringing their phones in with them it may change! They arent pooing for all that time, its an excuse to get out of the heat for half an hour!

Maz2444466 · 14/12/2016 00:43

Lol, they are hiding with their phones, escaping doing the dishes etc.

HeadElf · 14/12/2016 00:48

Hang on.. did someone say they are wanking? Who wants to wank in a smelly poo ridden loo?

Briarthorn · 14/12/2016 00:52

People who haven't yet pooed perhaps? Grin

paxillin · 14/12/2016 00:53

I married the first man I met who needs only five minutes.

HeadElf · 14/12/2016 00:54

I can't imagine any man sitting on the loo hunched over his phone having a wank - but stranger things have happened, I guess Grin

Briarthorn · 14/12/2016 01:04

pax has her priorities straight and is living the dream Grin

I don't know much about online dating apps but maybe time taken in bathrooms should be an essential swipe left / right elimination (arf) feature?

SortAllTheThings · 14/12/2016 01:07

An ex of mine enlightened me about this. He used the term 'shitwank'

Blech.

Justaboy · 14/12/2016 01:08

I'll tell you why men need 45 mins in the bog when someone can explain to me why women need 60 mins in the shower?.

Deal;?

hollinhurst84 · 14/12/2016 01:16

If I'm not washing my hair I'm 5 minutes in the shower so you can't have that as a deal!
I don't get it, in, poo, done.. Takes me 3-5 mins?

Loyalisthack · 14/12/2016 01:24

nearly a hundred posts, and am I really the first to believe that my partner sometimes wants to be in a place I absolutely and categorically can't be?

Briarthorn · 14/12/2016 01:44

I understand that. Women wish also for a room of one's own, there have been books about it. I suppose what we're saying is that we don't feel entitled to bugger off alone for such a long time especially when we have small children or guests, or deadlines, yet many of our partners do, and it's a bit baffling.

Loyalisthack · 14/12/2016 01:58

Entitlement is pretty much the right answer, I suspect. But considering people are happily explaining it with stories that are obvious bobbins, why change?

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 14/12/2016 02:12

"Fast shitting man". I now have a ZZ Top ear worm ...

Vombatidae · 14/12/2016 02:23

I can poo and then shower and be almost ready in the time it takes DP to do his morning business. Shocking. But as I was giggling he asked what about so I read him some of this thread. Here's his answer:

"I'm normally reading. Its only the last few years I've done it (as he's got older). I also like to sit and wait for it and let gravity do it's job."

Or

"Sometimes there are multiple loads and I know I'm not done so I sit and wait for the next one"

Niiiice

AndNothingElseMatters · 14/12/2016 02:26

DH is 20 mins three times a day Hmm this is an argument a conversation we have had many, many times.

I remember when we had a newborn, telling him he was doing it to avoid having to help me out. He does a lot so one reflection that was probably unfair.

He maintains all men do this though, his dad and brothers also do it too. But my dad never did or does, and nor does my younger brother. DH said that was weird.

Shadowboy · 14/12/2016 02:27

Ugh my husband does this- usually just when I either a) need to leave the house b) just before I plan on having a show/bath -nice c) when I need a hand with the kids.....

He takes his phone in with him though and sometimes I can hear him listen to podcasts in there!

Teapot13 · 14/12/2016 02:48

I bought two of the smallest size cards at a stationery shop -- red and yellow. After 15 minutes, yellow card. Red after 30. It resulted in a lot of protest ("I can't believe you would time me. I was never in there for 15 minutes.") and mixed success but I found it satisfying.