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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to genuinely ask why men need 45min to crap?

275 replies

littleoysterslittleoysters · 13/12/2016 23:04

I'm not joking. I have been married 3 years and my dh spends 45mins day on the loo. It will be announced the time has come and he is off! No questions allowed he is gone, whether we have guests or not! We have a lo now and I did say to him that he may have to cut down the time in an emergency. The answer was a shocked face!
I literally poo as fast as I wee, usually with a baby and a dog looking at me! Why do men have a god given right for this time? Or is it just my dh? I know he goes in the first few mins so what does he do the rest of the time? Does it take 40min for mens arses to close? I did ask once but what told not to question a man on the subject! Help me understand!

OP posts:
shinynewusername · 13/12/2016 23:49

My DH is a poo ninja by comparison - only takes him about 15 mins. But he does at least 3 a day Xmas Shock so 45 minutes TPT*

*Total Poo Time

ImNotDancing · 13/12/2016 23:50

see i'm always confused by people who poo lightening fast, how do you know you're done??

MollyRedskirts · 13/12/2016 23:51

I asked DH if he goes to the toilet when he thinks he might need a poo and it's worth a try, or if he waits until he knows. He said he 100% waits until he's certain, but then sometimes it just doesn't happen which is why he takes ages.

I think he has a faulty arse.

Rustythedog · 13/12/2016 23:51

I hear you OP.

I think men try to go to the toilet whether they feel the need to go or not. I know this for a FACT as I have frequently overheard DH, asking our four year old to TRY to go despite her protestations that she doesn't need to. It seems our four year old knows this instinctively yet DH doesn't. I get really annoyed when he tries to coax her and I have explained many times this doesn't happen to the human body. However apparently MIL told him when he was a little boy that as his father went in the morning, it would be good if he tried to poo in the morning too. He doesn't register that MIL is batshit (excuse the pun). .

Arfarfanarf · 13/12/2016 23:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/12/2016 23:53

Thankfully none of the men that have been in my life have done this. I think the worst was probably a regular 10 mins & I was Hmm. I mean occasionally, sure, but on a daily basis just no. (UNLESS medical issues).

I'd brave it and go in there and supervise until they grow up! Should only take once ir twice. Act like a toddler, get treat like one 😂

SanityAssassin · 13/12/2016 23:54

Mine takes at least 20 minutes and always needs to go after we all get coats on to leave t he house. The worst is though the constant updates on the state of his (what do you call this!! ) pooing ability and what he thinks Is causing it that particular day!!!
I hope one day to be free of discussing any poo related stuff with my children and age 6 they only need me in emergencies - the 46 year old though...........

StStrattersOfMN · 13/12/2016 23:55

Yes.

And why do they ALWAYS have to nip back in for a shit just as we're about to drive off somewhere?

Crumblevision · 13/12/2016 23:56

Thing is, you'd think their arses would get cold, wouldn't you? Sat still, for 45 mins bare arsed. Mine would be blue 😂

Princesspinkgirl · 13/12/2016 23:56

😂😨 my OH is pretty good in comparison then spending only 10-15 mins

blowmybarnacles · 13/12/2016 23:57

DP does this. Then stinks the bathroom out. He sprays the febreeze and the combination of both makes me gag.

We can eat the same diet but he'll still be in there for half an hour, dropping the kids off at the pool.

My BIL does the same, 3/4 hr which in somebody else's house is just not on.

They really are full of shit.

MollyRedskirts · 13/12/2016 23:57

Imnotdancing - the same way you know you're done. It just happens faster!

I do have pre and post baby to compare it to, as I had a nasty tear that resulted in nerve and muscle damage, so that window of time of 'I need a poo' went away and became 'I'm fine, la la la... GOING TO SHIT MYSELF, OH FUCK'.

It's much better now, thankfully. (This thread is getting interesting, so I'd like to take this opportunity to state that the Daily Mail are bottom feeding cunts who can eat my shit.)

ragz134 · 14/12/2016 00:00

DH does this. 30-45 mins. Though in the early days (before marriage) he was actually smoking heroin in there, but I just assumed it was a man thing and never questioned his toilet time so he hid it for months!
These days he takes his phone in so can still be ages, he admits to his legs going to sleep. He has piles and am convinced that spending ages on the loo did it.
It always has to be in the morning and almost always once a day.
I go when I feel the need and it takes me only slightly longer than weeing... Surely that's healthier?

Yoksha · 14/12/2016 00:02

OP, I read your post & , literally guffawed. I've been married 42yrs come June, & it's the same for me. I get so exasperated.

If we need to go out it all comes to a grinding halt for around 45mins. Aaaarrrggghhh! I get the defiant grin followed by a speech about the 3 S's. I'll spare you that revelation.

Mommawoo · 14/12/2016 00:04

My dp must be a rare breed. Coffee, fag and then a 5-10 minute pooh like clockwork.

I'm currently 39 weeks pregnant and need at least an hour for a pooh as i'm too afraid to push after giving myself a pelvic floor prolapse from straining. Dp helpfully stands outside the door asking "whats happening?" if i'm longer than 10 minutes Angry

MsStricty · 14/12/2016 00:08

It's a learned, regressed behaviour. Akin to potty training.

HeadElf · 14/12/2016 00:09

DP also does this, sits and plays on his phone for about 45 minutes whilst I'm juggling baby twins screaming and struggling with mobility, charmer. --

I wet myself last week because twin1 has a fever and was having a massive meltdown and I didn't want to put her down and leave twin 2 also screaming to go to the loo.--

BumDNC · 14/12/2016 00:11

I am a bit all over the place as I have IBS. Generally if it isn't going to happen in about 5-10 mins I can't sit there any longer and give up

Men like the alone time of the loo and the fact the smell puts women off approaching them means basically they are shutting themselves in a room for 45 mins with a valid activity and you won't disturb them. It's pretty genius really

HeadElf · 14/12/2016 00:13

I might get up 5 minutes before the twins usually wake up and tell DP I need a big poo, and then sit there mumsnetting for a good hour and leave him to the morning nappies feeds and general chaos. Beating him at his own game iyswim.

BumDNC · 14/12/2016 00:19

It is a choice it's not for any biological reasons, they enjoy it. its comforting and peaceful and they imagine they are taking a lovely peaceful poo, waiting for it to be ready and come out with the aid of gravity. Women don't have time for this kind of nonsense generally and doing a poo is an annoying inconvenience

SeriousSteve · 14/12/2016 00:19

45 mins?!

As a man, I take about 20 but have medical reasons...

45!!!! I have no defence!

ColdTeaAgain · 14/12/2016 00:20

YANBU! Why does it take so long???

Always at the most annoying times! I've been known to shout at him to say either hurry up and do it or get down here and help as I get so annoyed with him disappearing at the busiest point of the day when we need to get dinner ready, get DC bath done etc. He usually comes down and says he couldn't do it as I was talking to him. No DH, you couldn't do it because you didn't need to go that much!

Even worse is he'll take his leisurely shits if we're at his parents too. After dinner he'll slink off upstairs and when he doesn't return after a few minutes everyone knows what he's doing. I used to hate it when I didn't know his parents that well as would just be feeling so awkward and inwardly raging that he abandons me just to do a poo!

It's not diet as we eat pretty much the same, apart from he eats more bread most but can't see how that would make much difference.

Can only conclude that men just enjoy it. I think it's their version of a soak in the bath.

Solo · 14/12/2016 00:21

This is a running joke in my brothers house! At least 45 minutes several times a day. He has piles too. Sometimes I'll phone him and I can tell he's in the loo by the echoes Hmm and he's been known to fall asleep mid crap too. My Ds takes 5 minutes usually being brought up by a single mum, he was well trained and I'm done in 5 minutes or less. Ridiculous to sit there all that time!

HateSummer · 14/12/2016 00:24

Well my dh doesn't. He's a straight in, and out man. Never sits on the loo more than 5/10mins. But his poops stink to high heaven. I bet it's because he can't bear the smell.

Briarthorn · 14/12/2016 00:26

Men can't use the thumb trick to hurry things along.

Plus, they are wanking and / or avoiding hanging up the washing or anything else that needs doing just before they "need" to disappear for half an hour.