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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to genuinely ask why men need 45min to crap?

275 replies

littleoysterslittleoysters · 13/12/2016 23:04

I'm not joking. I have been married 3 years and my dh spends 45mins day on the loo. It will be announced the time has come and he is off! No questions allowed he is gone, whether we have guests or not! We have a lo now and I did say to him that he may have to cut down the time in an emergency. The answer was a shocked face!
I literally poo as fast as I wee, usually with a baby and a dog looking at me! Why do men have a god given right for this time? Or is it just my dh? I know he goes in the first few mins so what does he do the rest of the time? Does it take 40min for mens arses to close? I did ask once but what told not to question a man on the subject! Help me understand!

OP posts:
SlowShitter · 14/12/2016 10:28

I used to be quick when young, now sometimes (but not always) slow. (Slow = 15 minutes.) When slow it's not just the very definite feeling of more to come, there's also the feeling of one stuck in the exit that needs to be coaxed out. Your really don't want to choose to come back later for stuck-in-the-exit one.

ClaudiaApfelstrudel · 14/12/2016 10:36

it normally takes me about 20 seconds, not that this is information I normally share with the world of course Grin

FurryLittleTwerp · 14/12/2016 10:41

Mine is the worst by far. Half an hour is speedy for him - this is the morning poo, or the just-before-dinner poo (dinner being ready - Angry)

He can literally spend several hours a day on the toilet in the ensuite (the one I like to use), at the weekend, usually in the nude or wearing just a t-shirt - more comfortable than keeping trousers & pants on apparently Hmm

He has his laptop in there, plugged in with the lead under the door. He will wander out occasionally to fetch things, have a drink etc etc then go back in. DS & I refer to it as his office.

The toilet seat is stained from his sweat or skin pH or something - it won't come off no matter what I've tried.

It is beyond a joke. Most of our weekend activities are delayed by his toilet activities - well they were - it's only his own activities he fucks up these days - I just get on with my day.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 14/12/2016 10:51

Shitwank.

Jesus christ what a turn on. Xmas Confused

ofshoes · 14/12/2016 11:54

Jesus, what on earth are all these men eating? It takes me about 30 seconds to poo, it slips out like an otter off a riverbank. Apparently I'm the exception rather than the rule here though.

MoonlightMedicine · 14/12/2016 13:34

My dad was always like this, thankfully my DH is not! Every morning my dad would disappear into the toilet for at least 45 minutes with a newspaper. The sounds that came from that room. He didn't care who was around either. Mortifying.

HeadElf · 14/12/2016 14:32

Just found this and thought of you lovely ladies and your shitwanking partners :)
www.prezzybox.com/potty-piano.aspx

Andylion · 14/12/2016 15:25
Beth2511 · 14/12/2016 15:40

ever since I had a 23 minute total labour and birth I have felt the need to remind oh every single day I have given birth faster than he shits :D

Mol1628 · 14/12/2016 15:48

Gah my husband does this too. His favourite time is when the children and myself are all ready to go out, coats on, baby in the pram, stood at the door. Then he needs the toilet and takes bloody ages.

He also can't look after the children when he has to go for a shit. If I'm having a break from them upstairs he has to call me to come and watch them whilst he goes. It really really annoys me.

LouBlue1507 · 14/12/2016 15:50

He's either on his phone or wanking, or both haha! Blush

thecatsarecrazy · 14/12/2016 16:04

My dh had an appointment today at 10, he went for a shit at 9.30 and didn't leave until 9.55. He said its because he doesn't like to push it gives him piles. Does my head in. Always when we need to leave.

MrsMattBomer · 14/12/2016 16:40

DP can take up to an hour to do the three S's (Shit, Shower and Shave) and the kids are no better.

According to DP it's just nice to relax for a bit. He fell asleep on the toilet once!

He's as mystified about why women can't go to the toilet alone as well - he says whenever a woman says they're going the toilet, every woman within the vicinity also needs to go as well. To be fair, he's probably right.

paddypants13 · 14/12/2016 16:59

Dh h and ddad both do this.

My dad always does it before my mum needs to go out so she has to either leave having not been for a wee/ brushed her teeth. ( They only have one bathroom.) He used to do it to me too when I lived there.

Dh does it and I'm certain he does it to get out of the morning palaver. He got annoyed with me this morning because I asked him to use the small (unheated) loo so dd and I could brush our teeth before going out. It really pisses me off!

Bananabreadordead · 14/12/2016 17:05

DP takes 15 mins which I thought was bloody ages..

In the 8 years we've been together we have never shared a bathroom whilst the other one is on the loo nor have we ever farted infront of each other, it's just not part of our relationship.

Anyway one day I noticed he took ages in the loo and, to my shame, pressed my ear to the bathroom door to listen to what he was doing in there Blush

He was talking to himself as if he was a pro wrestler before a match, smack talk, your momma jokes and all.

I backed away and have never mentioned it.

That was 6 years ago.

paddypants13 · 14/12/2016 17:07

Special - Women use cubicles and don't have urinals (for obvious reasons) so we often have to queue. We also menstruate so have to change sanitary protection.

I try to have my purse ready to pay but it's difficult wrangling 2 very young children, the trolly, unloading the shopping by myself and packing it all up at the other end. I only have one pair of hands.

HeadElf · 14/12/2016 17:15

I just asked DH and questioned him rigorously about shitwanking.

Me: well why does it take so long
DH: it just does, it takes as long as it takes
Me: what? Are you pooing the whole time!?
DH: no sometimes at the beginning, sometimes it's all at the end.
Me: so what else are you doing?
DH: emails, phone stuff, reading the news
Me: shit wank?
DH: that's fucking weird
Me: so is sitting in a smelly poo room to do your phone stuff when we have a lounge, sitting room and conservatory which do not smell of your rotting arse

Grin
alltouchedout · 14/12/2016 17:28

I wish I knew. DH takes ages. DS1 (10) has done for a few years. DS2 (7) is starting to. I don't get it. I go when I need to go and if it isn't happening I get off the loo, I don't sit there straining and puffing and playing endless rubbish games on the tablet/ reading a magazine which is what I think they take ages for in reality. I don't understand why they aren't all afflicted with terrible piles.

It took me less time to push my second and third babies out than it does for my dh to defecate.

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 14/12/2016 17:45

Me: so is sitting in a smelly poo room to do your phone stuff when we have a lounge, sitting room and conservatory which do not smell of your rotting arse

Ahhh but the mysterious nature of ones own dumps mean that you cant smell your own whilst in the room.
you have to exit the room and re-enter to experience the bouquet, and sometimes, the taste.

I would also like to just say that I have done some things in this life, some i'm not proud of, some as dep[raved as I could think but in all the depravity and weirdness.... I have never... ever sat and had a wank just after I've had a shit.

YelloDraw · 14/12/2016 17:49

Jesus, what on earth are all these men eating? It takes me about 30 seconds to poo, it slips out like an otter off a riverbank. Apparently I'm the exception rather than the rule here though.

Same.

Except on holiday and then I get bunged up. One time I didn't go for a week. It was so painful when it finally came, I will never laugh about constipation again. Then it locked the toilet.

HeadElf · 14/12/2016 17:50

Pinkies what about a pre-shit wank?
Trousers down bare bum balls and willy flopping about ready to drop off some timber, so to speak, and thought.. you know what this is missing? Some monkey spanking Wink

Winifredgoose · 14/12/2016 17:56

My Dh is the same. It drives me crazy. However, I have noticed it is only when the option is available. Eg at the weekend he will be gone for 20-30 mins, but manages to go in a normal time in the morning when he is in a rush before work.

I remember on an early date we were on a walk and we had to drop into a pub for him to go to the loo. He was gone for about 10-15 mins and i didn't know what to do. I thought he must be ill or something had happened. He eventually walked out totally normally. I should have ltb there and then.

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 14/12/2016 18:05

HeadElf

I cant say I've ever felt the desire to have a Barclays whilst needing to drop the kids at the pool.

I pefer to do my bishop bashing as far away from fudge making as I can.

HeadElf · 14/12/2016 18:07

Pinkie I think you're fab

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 14/12/2016 18:16

HeadElf Awww shucks..... Blush