AIBU to genuinely ask why men need 45min to crap?

[littleoysterslittleoysters]

I'm not joking. I have been married 3 years and my dh spends 45mins day on the loo. It will be announced the time has come and he is off! No questions allowed he is gone, whether we have guests or not! We have a lo now and I did say to him that he may have to cut down the time in an emergency. The answer was a shocked face!
I literally poo as fast as I wee, usually with a baby and a dog looking at me! Why do men have a god given right for this time? Or is it just my dh? I know he goes in the first few mins so what does he do the rest of the time? Does it take 40min for mens arses to close? I did ask once but what told not to question a man on the subject! Help me understand!

9 fucking pages of this shit?

Shit! 10 even

Start buying him prunes and oranges. Say you're worried as he's obviously constipated... lol My Dad used to do it for peace. My DH is on his phone but always claims he's not been in there that long. Maybe set up a kitchen timer so he can see how long he's been in there!

I once worked in an office with a bloke who apparently could be heard coaxing his out by saying 'C'mon ya bastard!'. This was confirmed by multiple guys who worked there. He had other revolting habits, but at least this was one I didn't have to suffer.

As a sufferer of chronic constipation, and the parent of a poo with older, I have learned more than I ever wanted to know about poo in the last few years. In fact, sitting, relaxing, and letting nature take its course is the ideal for good bowel health. The gp told me you should never push (it's like having a baby, pushing causes damage, wait til it's on its way out before pushing). So, while it is undoubtedly annoying that all these men are luxuriating in their private loo time, they probably have it right in terms of bowel function/ health.

I thought my husband had another family because he's away so much at work. Turns out the fucker is married to you all and puts you all through it..
Ditto to the can't leave the house without pushing out a turd, giving me a running commentary, having a wry grin whilst announcing he's got to drop off the kids at the pool or some such fuckwittery.
When I was in labour he was nervous so had multiple shits, I was on my own so much, his claim 'I couldn't help it, when you need to go you need to go'. Life basically rotates round his arsehole.

Yup. Ex used to come home and go straight upstairs most evenings for at least 30 minutes.

He'd also take an hour long shower in peace.

I was lucky to owe without interruption.

He got free childcare whilst he got on with his abliutions - U'd have killed for that amount of time every day uninterrupted.

I heard a doctor on the radio say that there was no physiological reason for it. I think my husband just sees it as time out from the family. Takes his phone in and checks out Fb. Good job I don't do it too as the kids would never get fed, bathed, dressed etc.

Turn the Internet off whilst he's in there, see if that hurries him up! My OH does this every morning too, drives me crazy has time for his 'luxury shit' and a bath but doesn't have 2 minutes to drop off my 11YO if it's raining or he's got a ton of stuff to take with him (and it litteraly is on the way and barely a deviation) and no time to help with baby either. Eugh.

I have literally just had a pagag moan about this, we got in, I was cooking dinner/ wrestling an 18 month old octopus baby/ cleaning the kitchen and dealing with DS1 having a strop and then DP suddenly announces that's he's off for a poo, 20 mins later our 4yr old comes in to me and asks me for something to which I reply loudly "I would love to help you darling but Daddy has helpfully chosen the most awkward time to spend an hour in the toilet so I'm juggling angry badgers right now, why don't you go and knock the toilet door and see if he's done." (All said with a sweet smile and gritted teeth, natch)

I'm now getting my revenge by putting the baby to bed (she was asleep a while ago but I'm still here Mumsnetting)

It's genetic
I spend 10 mins every morning asking DS 7 if he's done yet and to get in the 'already running' shower.
He says there's more to come.
Then he sits a bit more pulling faces in the mirror next to the toilet until I lose it. Then he decides he's done. Wipes and inspects the seat mark on his butt. Flushes, which then turns to shower too hot to get in and messes around for a bit more.
DH varies between 5 mins and 20+mins. Same excuse......making sure it's all out!!!!
No need in my eyes. Good news is we have two bathrooms and a downstairs loo so our en suite never stinks. They are both banned from using it.

I thought I was the only person that had one of these husbands! Drives me absolutely insane. Causes many an argument when we are late to be somewhere, or more often his arse makes us late!

I'm sure if he left his phone he could poo quicker! I'm lucky if I get in there once every three days without a child deciding it's a spectator sport! And even then my husband will be moaning for me to hurry up as he needs something or other.

Is there a gadget that can release static shocks or make the toilet heat up rapidly to speed them up??! It sounds like I could make millions as there's a market for such a device.

You don't need to over anal-yse this ladies....

Men eat more food than women. Therefore we have to excrete more waste products.

It used to be the case we'd head to the throne room, make ourselves comfortable ready for the 'big event' and take in the sports supplement and catch up on the football.

My dad used to do the littlewoods pools while he was sitting there. Spotting the ball.

And it's not just us men that need time to help the log along, my mum, regular as clockwork as a child - she'd jump up from the breakfast table, emit a loud fart and rush to the loo. God help anyone who was in her way.

Why wait until the turtle is nosing out of his shell.

It proves men are natural leaders by planning ahead.

As places became more unionised, male factory workers would shirk off work by taking an 'in-shift shit' so wasting a good 40 mins of the day. And being paid to drop a log. Genius.

Nowadays we still take our time, it's often the case the wifi router is near the downstairs loo so the signal is strongest for reading the Economist or other essential video based viewing material of an educational nature. In peace and quiet. Away from the kids and the wife/gf/world.

Ah. Bliss.

Now bugger off I'm off to sit on my throne.

Mine is the same, didnt know it is that common

He liked to make sure he was really clean, Navy

My DHL goes for a poo as we both head upstairs to go to bed at approx 11.30pm. I get approx 60 seconds to go in the bathroom and wee before he's outside the door saying can you hurry up I need to poo. He's then in there for 20-30 mins and when we argue he says I never want sex at night. Is it any wonder when I know he's in the bathroom on thr toilet for half an hour?

DH stopped this 30 minute toilet nonsense years ago after I left the twins at his feet (in car seats) on the toilet floor in front of him screaming. I was dealing with a stroppy 18 month old at the time. 😊

Definitely think it's physiological and not a leisure/ entertainment based decision. My DS (14) has been like this for 2 years. 40 minutes+ morning and night. He has missed the school bus and done an hour and quarters walk several times. Worst thing is, only one loo in house. Leaves the rest of us in a predicament frequently.

Man time. Does he take his phone in with him?

It's a cult. Mine does it too. It must be a conspiracy. I hope they all get piles (spoken by someone who generally poos whilst having to discuss the meaning of life with a four year old and stop a 2 year old from jamming cotton buds up his nose)

It was a new concept to me when I met my DH as my dad and brothers were in and out (think mum must have run a tight ship). I think it's just a ritual he'll never get out of. When he stands up though he has a red toilet shaped mark around his arse and thighs because he's been sat there so long, he sits on the rim, not the seat
He can (and will) hold it all day so he can go on his own toilet whereas I will go whenever and wherever I feel the need (unless the loos are disgusting). If he's at home all day he'll go 3 or 4 times a day but if he's at work just makes up for it when he's gets home!

My husband is the same. Every time we are just about to go out somewhere, I will be at the door with my coat on, and he announce he needs the toilet, hence disappearing for 30 mins

Holding poo in is very bad for you, makes it more difficult to "go" later. It's also a really bad idea to sit on the toilet for ages, trying to "go". The first scenario creates the second. Which then leads to haemerroids and other issues.

DH doesn't do this - in there a few minutes at most. DF does do this. And has always suffered with piles.