Dick moves your kids have made.

[HardLightHologram]

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

Hand them to the nuns and try again. Maybe better luck next time.

Or if you have somehow grown attached and fond of them you could film their daily life on YouTube and live of the money they make from people viewing their comical antics?

Well, pissing on the doorposts is supposed to stop ghosts from following you into the house, so perhaps your DS was protecting his bedrooms?

Dick move though.

When DS was about 4yrs old he upturned an amost full tub of emulsion all over the fucking floor! I'd been emulsioning the bedroom and only loosely put the lid back on as I would be carrying on after dinner, DS decided whilst I was sorting dinner that it looked like a good stool, but would look even better upside down! I cried. I cried A LOT. It had gone all over a rug but the rug was half underneath a very heavy bit of furniture that I couldn't move on my own. My mum rang and I was sobbing hysterically (it was the straw that had broken the camels back that week), my brother came 'round and moved the furniture and helped me clean up, I think it's the nicest thing he's ever done for me.

DS has ASD and was quite badly delayed at a year. DD, 18 months older, colored him in using a pink marker because she wanted a girl. Nanny was fired as DS had been coloured in for at least half an hour.

DD also decorated her crib and wall more than once with the contents of her bowels. It was nasty.

We live really close to a homeless shelter and often have homeless people sitting on our steps. I don't have a problem with them on our steps, as long as I can get the stroller up and down the steps and that they don't do drugs (heroin is a huge problem here with the homeless community) and the kids know this. DS snuck down the stairs and got really close to this one guy and yelled 'go away' down his ear. I just about died as did the poor homeless guy who just about took off from the shock. DS was almost 3.5 so old enough to know you just don't do that.

DS aged around 2 posted a plastic fish from the play kitchen into our brand new video player and destroyed it. The very nice man from the Currys repair centre gave us back the offending fish and I idly threw it back into the play box. 2 days later when the toilet backed up and sewerage came out of the garden drain we called an emergency plumber who managed to unblock the sewer to find a plastic fish wrapped in toilet paper blocking the pipe, yes, the little sod had posted the fish down the toilet this time.

The nice plumber offered us the fish back and I recall telling him to burn it, with fire...

I am actually crying with laughter at this thread, currently pregnant with out first... can't believe the "fun" we have to look forward to!!

My DS put a tenner he took out of my wallet into the washing machine and i turned it on without noticing :-( ill let him off because hes 18months.

When i was 8 i wrote FUCK across my pillowcase with a permanent marker pen.... i have no idea why... i then tried to cover it up by spilling nail varnish all over it and saying it was an accident...... the nail varnish got everywhere all over the bed and you could still plainly see the FUCK thru it all...... my mum just had to throw the entire bedding set away, she wasnt best pleased. Also i did that thing as a teenager of pouring out the vodka from my parents alcohol cupboard into a coke bottle then replacing it with water. They werent best pleased when they had people over for dinner and tried to pour them a drink and it was water.....

...love the laminated cheese sandwich....

oh oh I just remembered another when - when son was about 2 we had those little plastic kiddie chairs with arms, you know the ones...well somehow he got it stuck sideways on his head, kind of wedged beneath his ears....
I had to make him stand very very still while I sawed it off with a hacksaw...:)

Jultotem that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time! I am so glad you took a picture! I am howling!

DB managed to get a green blackberry wedged up his nose while we were on holiday in Devon. We had to take it to the cottage hospital to get it removed.

DS2 (18 months) was sitting in the trolley at the checkout at LIDL the other day, and managed to reach down, extract a box of 12 eggs from the shopping, and tip the lot into the trolley. They all broke on the wire bottom of the trolley and pooled on the floor underneath. We got a round of applause from the other shoppers .

A friend of mine, her DD tried to cook cheese on toast in the toaster....

My FATHER got a sugar puff stuck up his nose. My sister and I were egging him on. He was putting them up his nose and firing them out hilarious when you're 7 and 4

Hilarious now thinking about dm having to take a grown man to a&e to retrieve a sugar puff.

I've nominated this for Classics.

Ds1 aged 14 put the electric whisk in a sink of soapy water..yes the entire thing. Apparently there was cake mix on the plug too.
To keep the fish & chips warm he put them under the grill... In the paper.
He wrote his brothers name on his bedroom wall. His brother was 4, has learning difficulties & couldn't write his own name. Ds1 was about 8 at the time.
Made birthday invitations & sent them to friends at school. Didn't think to tell me until one of the mums phoned the night before to say her Ds couldn't make it. Neither could I, I was working.
He is 17 now & still doing daft things I'm just not surprised anymore.

I was 3. We had just moved back to England and my mother was painting the outside of the window sills by sitting on ledge.

I asked for cookies.

She said no.

I locked the window leaving her balanced precariously on the windowsill. Went downstairs, collected bag of cookies and brought them back upstairs. And ate them all (with help of sibling 18 months) in front of my mother.

Apparently, I kept waving gaily at her. She was out there on the ledge of the first floor window directly above a very large and thorny rose bush for 20 minutes until she was rescued by a neighbour.

Some years ago now but son opened the video recorder and did a massive wee into it. His aim was great and the video never worked again. I was amazed he didn't electrocute himself.

After I spent ages settling overtired DD2 (20 wks) for her nap, DD1 (3) on being told to be quiet stood outside the bedroom shrieking "wake up sister" over and over

Oh wait

I forgot this dick move

Please bear in mind my chikdren are 17, 14 and 13

I've been crying with laughter at some of these . When I was three, I ended up drinking the contents of a snowglobe and my mum and her friend had to take me to a and e. I also managed to bite the top of glass. At six, I bit a shelf at school and the teacher was so that all she could say was cost. Furniture. Pay. I also put toothpaste on my forehead (God knows why). And at the age of seven, I managed to cycle down our street without holding onto the bars and knocked myself unconscious. I came round to find my poor mum looking shellshocked and I remember asking if I'd dreamt the whole thing. I also tried to shave my face and ended up with blood pouring. I was bonkers as a child.

When he was 12 months old my eldest DS was playing in his dads car without a nappy on - yup he pooed everywhere, then trod it all in the (fake) leather seats - you know - the ones with teeny tiny holes all over??!!! DH spent 3 hours digging all the poo out with a pin - served him right! I'd told him to put a nappy on DS!!

Daughter was 2 when she decided to take the plastic pot full of spare keys (house and car) and put it in the microwave on full power for 5 minutes. House insurance company wouldnt pay for car keys at they were car keys = car insurance wouldnt pay out as it was a house accident

Both sons then aged 3 and 1 had been rather quiet whilst I was feeding DD - found them in the bathroom both absolutely covered in shaving foam!!! They were so happy then so worried after seeingthe shock on my face! I had such a hard time being cross as it looked so funny - at least the bathroom smelt nice once I had cleaned them and the bathroom!!!

And these are our future doctors and judges and airline pilots

Iamnotamindreader

Quote: Nearly drowned themselves trying to learn how to breathe through their bum.

That really made me lol! (Not the drowning bit obviously, just the thought they could breathe out of their bums )