Dick moves your kids have made.

[HardLightHologram]

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

Ds decided to surf on my ironing board needless to say it was unusable after that as it was bent completely out of shape.

fedUp no the milk burnt and ruined the kettle.

Same kid was watching footy and complained picture was bad. Dh climbed out of his bedroom window to sort. Ds shut the window after him as it started to rain hard. Dh was stuck on the roof as too worried to move in the rain and no one knew except ds who had forgotten he was out there the footy now exciting and aerial adjusted. Eventually he cake to ask me what the banging noise was and we opened the curtains to see a very wet angry man.

Same kid and older brother had a party while we and younger kids on holiday. A door came off the hinges and they got a 'carpenter' a mate who had a Saturday job at B&Q to drill into the wall!! He hit a gas pipe and they panicked and dialled 999!

I mean ffs!

DS, aged about 6, pissed in the kitchen bin. Why?!!!

All missing things (precious things like teddies his sister can't sleep without and now phones and iPads) will always be found in the freezer. FFS!

I leaked all over my nursing bra so I put on a fresh one picked dd2 up and she promptly vomited all down it. This has literally just happened 10 minutes ago and it was my last clean one!

lottie

The cat was a Ragdoll with long hair! She had to have a haircut to get it all out!

Shouts 'mummy, catch!' half a second after throwing something at my head. Usually a toy vehicle of some kind. His aim is quite astounding for not quite 2 and a half. I'm trying to instil the idea that we only throw balls, and only outside, but failing that will settle for him grasping the concept of issuing a fair warning.

Oh where to begin.
Knocked over a chip pan with a friend and cleaned up the oil spill with new clothes fresh out of the washing basket.

Had a water fight in their room...The carpet glue dissolved and stank of fish for months after.

Decided to experiment with water and electricity and pour water from their mouths into a games console...lucky.
Used all the printer paper to make paper chains and sellotape them to the walls.

Decided to bleach boil the kettle in an attempt to help me tidy up, but didn't tell anyone. First mouthful of tea was a joy.

Made toilet soup out of all their toys and toilet roll and colouring books etc. Stirred liberally with a toy rifle.

Decided to hoover their little brother and shredded the skin off his thumb resulting in a hoover phobia for years.

Decided to shave. Made a precarious toy tower to get to the bathroom cabinet. Got razor, cut lip, went white and passed out. Other child panicked and legged it, saying nothing until passed out child was discovered face down on the bathroom floor.

Pissed in his brothers drinks bottle in spite.

Pissed on his brothers head during an argument (a pattern we did stop from developing further).

Decided to make their own porridge in the microwave... Left spoon in the bowl, switched it on and legged it.

Ate their own body weight in chocolate and developed a 3-day migraine everyone thought was meningitis.

Nearly drowned themselves trying to learn how to breathe through their bum.

Oh yeah would shout catch me from the top of the stairs and then fling themselves at you.

In a French supermarket with my parents at the weekend. Mannequin on display wearing a crotchless, fishnet bodystocking (why?!) and DD(5) points to it and loudly proclaims 'you've got one of those Mummy!'

In front of my father.

And I don't even have one.

DS ages 12, in high sleeper was ill one night, projectile vomit from the top like a scattergun around his bedroom... curtains, furniture, walls, light fitting!!

Same DS age 15 with his friend decided to drink a bottle of lambrini down at the skate park, I had to collect him.... he was in the middle of the field, his skateboard on the other side and his bag on another side!!! He didn't drink for a couple if years after that!!

Nearly drowned themselves trying to learn how to breathe through their bum.

Oh and recently informed me he had a 'special hiding place' for items he has purloined including DH'S PS4 controller. It turned out the special hiding place was the laundry basket in his bedroom... He told me this after he'd watched me chuck a load into the washing machine and switch it on without sorting through it .

Aged 11!! Filled a drawer with cold water to play water games with baby sisters. So new carpet needed!

@ IamNotaMindReader....

Going back to the piss theme...
DS pissed in a glass and told DD that it was lemonade....

the pair of them, at the age of 3, after we had moved house and I had started a new job in the same week, and had passed out in my bedroom, opened the bathroom window which had a broken lock and climbed out onto the first floor windowsill....cue screaming passerby....

I had the emergency locksmith out the same evening!

Going through French customs being quizzed over kids having different surnames to mine DS1 aged 15 shouted from the back seat "we don't know who our fathers are!"

They do!!

Footinthemouth - your kids sound like a right hoot! The story about locking your DH out on the roof had me giggling like an idiot!!

One for Classics!

thanks lucky stars doesn't have boys, what with all the pissing

I used to live in a third floor flat.
DD and DS1 had a disagreement. They shared a room.
I walked and saw a sweatshirt out of the corner of my eye. It was hanging from a tree outside the window.
I was a bit annoyed.
Then I started to take in the true scale of DS's revenge.
He had thrown almost all of DD's belongings out of the window. Her possessions were scattered over about 6 back gardens plus the communal area.

I had to go around knocking on doors asking if people found odd items in their gardens could they let me know.

Little git.

Nearly drowned themselves trying to learn how to breathe through their bum.

My second son, when he was 4, peed in the birdcage. The parakeet was not impressed. When I asked him why he'd done it, he said "Because you said I wasn't allowed to pee in the toy box".

Same kid poured salt into the water reservoir of the coffee maker. That had to be replaced and he filled the next one with milk. We use instant now.

Bob I find helps

We were having a large extension built at home and DH went to look round it with our then 14 year old, who proceeded to pulled two bare wires that were coming out of the wall and touch them together, to see what would happen!

Nearly drowned themselves trying to learn how to breathe through their bum.

HAHAHAHAHAHHA oh my god