Dick moves your kids have made.

[HardLightHologram]

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

Oldest DC (7) likes to fake deafness and oblivion but actually hears and remembers EVERYTHING.

By chance we bumped into the family who bought our former house at a soft play centre.
DC to the dad: "How do you like my old house? Mum and dad sold it to you because it was too damp for us."
(true)

Oh this thread is fantastic!

I can't recall many of my children's

Ds tried to put an entire roll of toilet roll down the toilet. Followed by what ever toy he could get hold of. (20 months)

Dd has started to pour juice into her toys . At 3 years old she should know better.

Me as a child however, decided to raid my mums purse and throw £100 in the fire. She didn't know until she needed to pay for things in the shop.

My sister as a kid, managed to shave off her eyebrow in the bath. It was hilarious. Especially since a few weeks later she tried to cut off her quiff and ended up with a stump of stuck up hair

Dd2 had a headache and put a soluble tablet in her mouth and tried to swallow it using coca cola. Foam came down her nose. She then did it again with the second one to see if would happen again. It did! Idiot.

DS aged approx 7, we had been having problems with him quietly getting back out of bed after bedtime, quietly putting his light on and playing with his toys. We'd then discover him passed out in his toy box when we came up to bed at 11 or so, and he'd be terrible in the morning for school.

So this particular night his dad put him to bed and said "And no switching that light back on! If I come up later and find your light on, you'll be grounded from cartoons!"

Ds being of a very bolshy literal mind then decides he's going to get up out of bed, walk out of his room past the light switch, walk into our bedroom and get a cotton bud and his dad's lighter, and use the cotton bug as a torch. Needless to say this did not go well. Cue melting plastic on his carpet and a hasty ejection through the window of said cotton bud, followed by a quick trip to the bathroom to get some water to throw on the smouldering carpet.

We didn't hear any of this. Thick walls, plus his dad had hearing loss so the TV was up loud. First we knew of it was the following day when his dad went to tidy his room and found the wet patch on the floor, then spotted the cotton bud on the window sill. The truth was eventually extracted by a method of good cop, bad cop.

He also, aged 8, sat on my lap fresh out the bath and demanded tickles, then pooped on my leg

I don't even have kids yet.. stories like these could put people off but oh my god I can't stop laughing!
I don't know how you all cope. Bravo!

When DS was a toddler DH had got up with him at stupid o clock, put the TV on and promptly fell asleep. I came down a couple of hours later to a snoring DH, with DS & 2 of our cats eating raw sausages out of the fridge and drinking milk from the cats bowl.

The same week I had a phone call from nursery to ask me to remind DS that it's not nice for him to call other children "horrible fuckers!" It wasn't a phrase DH & I ever used/use so God knows where he'd picked up that gem from!

Ds1- I had a friend round for coffee early January. Thing one and two were playing with her sons. Ds1 was reading in his room. He'd actually found the huge box of chocolates my mum had bought me for Christmas, eaten nearly a pound of thorntons continentals.
Twenty years later (!) he decides to bleed his radiator, but kept unscrewing until the little nipple fell out, never to be found. Water pissing out until I shut off radiator.
A friend once told me about his two boys, went in the lounge (new carpet) took nappies off and pooed in tandem behind the closed door. So when it was opened a perfect parabola of poo. Had to take door off to clean under it.

When ds was a toddler he loved to sit in the car (no keys) and pretend to drive. He was quite an energetic toddler, so I used to make use of this and do gardening next to the car etc. He'd have the window open and do a running commentary.
One time the running commentary, he was a postman and posting letters... I found that he'd discovered our secret pocket full of change for the car park and had posted it in its entirety into the heater. About £15 worth of loose change. We never got it back.

These are hilarious!! I don't have kids but my mum likes to tell the story about when I was 3 and got all the yogurt out of the fridge (about 7 or 8 tubs full) and took it all out into the garden where I proceeded to rub it into our dog's fur. All of it. My mum found me as I was about to start licking it off. The poor dog just sat there looking mournfully up at my mum as she got the hose out. She was ever such a soft dog poor thing, she put up with such a lot from me

Last year my elder cousin got married, I was one of the bridesmaids. I'd been put in charge of corralling my younger cousins, aged 8, 7 and 4 (just what a 20 year old uni student wants to be doing when the only reason she said yes to being a bridesmaid was the nice frock and open bar ) and I told the youngest that if he was good I'd give him a piggy back ride. Of course, me being the responsible, loving sightly tipsy big cousin I am, I forgot about this when the three of them went to harass our gran and I clocked a fit guy and started trying to impress him. I think it was working...until all three of my younger cousins stood on a chair behind me and - without warning - jumped at my back in order to get the promised piggy back ride. I was propelled forwards into the guy and both of us crashed into the drinks table. We had to go to hospital and get stitches. Funnily enough I didn't get his number in the end...

Noticed that the sides of DD3's Pingu onesie were bulging slightly. After closer inspection, discovered a chicken wing in one pocket and a corn on the cob in the other. Apparently she got hungry in her dreams

Noticed DD2' s pyjamas were rustling one night so asked if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She shook her head and said 'no mama'
I asked her to turn around and noticed that the contents of her selection box were stuffed down her pants. I tried not to laugh as I made her put them back in the kitchen.

God, anyone reading this thread must think I starve my kids

When my DD was a toddler she woke up early one morning, found some paper and glue and decided to make me a lovely collage. When I woke up she presented me with this masterpiece which included a £5 note and a £10 note glued down with a whole bottle of glue which had now dried. I could've cried!

Almost 12 year old kicked a locker door off his hinges in school and almost got suspended for vandalism.

2 year old smashed the tv screen by throwing a plastic upsy daisy through it.

Both total dicks lately. (I feel guilty just writing that, but they are)

Mulberry he's probably been reading MN

iamnotamindreader you've just succeeded in making me cry laughing. I laughed so hard I literally shook my baby awake and then back to sleep.

Thanks for the laughs!! Although slightly apprehensive about the toddler years to come!
When dd1 was about 4 months old I was still battling with one of those kari me wraps someone had given me as a gift. It was midwinter, got her layers on, got the wrap in place, wedged her in there, got my coat on, gloves and hat, got out of the door....and she neatly vomited down my v neck jumper into my bra eeeuwwww :-)

DD1 (now 16) painted two of our cats in nail varnish when she was 2 (mind you, they were the dicks for standing there and letting her do it!) had to shave the cats! poor things were bald for ages!

She also stuck all my sanitary towel all over the wall - I walked in to find the wall covered and her looking very proud of herself saying 'stickers'

She is now a teenager that can not follow instructions, she once cooked a ready made pizza in is plastic packaging! I imagine she would boil milk in the kettle

Woke up one morning to discover that DD2 had drawn hair all over my legs in biro and DD3 had drawn smiley faces on my toes.

At Nursery DS1 picked up the pretend bottle of milk, took a massive swig, and announced Aaah! Beer!

Aged 3, helped my parents strip wallpaper. Then continued to strip off the new paper when they left me alone in the room.

DS aged 10 scratched his own cornea learning to click his fingers and examining it too closely.

Some of these are making my kids look pretty good

In summer eating out at the restaurant DS went to play on the lawn, crouched down and proceeded to make 2 massive poos. It was all down his legs too. Needless to say I was put off my dinner and we make a swift exit.
DD washed her teddy in the toilet bowl.

DS2 about 3 years ago now so he'd have been about 8 (has ADHD).
Trago Mills in Newton Abbott - goes in the (packed) adventure playground, climbs to the top of a huge mound in the middle and does this.

Same DS just this last July did the same thing into the hole of Oblivion at Alton Towers

Once I was lying in bed and the children brought their pet hen in to the room and put it on my chest and it pecked the skin tag on my eyelid...

I chewed up a toffee then plastered it in the hair of the man in front of me at the cinema, as a child. My kids are not so bad.

Although one of them, aged 2 or 3, insisted on being as naked as possible as often as possible, and on a very hot summer day, insisted on walking round the local Bird Garden in just a T shirt. Then shat himself on the narrow, crowded pavement full of people looking at macaws. And carried on walking as if nothing had happened.