Dick moves your kids have made.

[HardLightHologram]

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

DS1 told his younger siblings whoever could keep their finger on the light bulb of his lamp (which was on) the longest would get a prize.

Same child aged 16 "helpfully" cleaned up a soft cat shit from the carpet by vacuuming up the Dyson

Me, at the age of 2. Brother's birthday. I woke up early and went to find the birthday cake I'd helped decorate possibly driven my nan to seek gin the previous day.

Mother heard a noise in the kitchen and found me perched on a stool up at the worktop, wreck of the cake in front of me, ear to ear icing and a big handful of cake in one hand.

"Who did that?" she asked.

I pointed to the cat who was innocently sitting there waiting to be fed.

Brother's football match cake had an emergency buttercream and sugar flowers addition.

Beginning to think my children are rather boring... Or I'm a tyrant and they are terrified to put a foot wrong!
Nearly wetting myself laughing at some of these. The peeing in a bottle thing reminds me of stories my dad tells of him and his twin brother tormenting their sisters though.

When pregnant I offered to babysit for best friend for practise.
Best friend came home to find the dd (3) had got out of bed, covered the baby in fake tan, climbed back into her bed and fell blissfully asleep.
I heard nothing on the monitor.
She had a tango orange baby for WEEKS. I repeat, WEEKS. And the dd had wotsit colouted patches and hands.

Spread the thin coating of a chocolate finger over himself, in his hair, up the wall, over the teddy, ground into the rug. I don't know how he got so little so far, it was like an homage to Jackson Pollock. It was even up his back.

But my favourite was sitting on his Grandads shoulders whilst eating a lolly and dribbling. My poor Pa had a solid lump on boiled sweet goo on the top of his head that took DM hours to shampoo out.

Not read the whole thread but my boys also had a pee thing. The elder one used to pee on his brother from the top bunk. Not soaking through the matress but actual aiming down the side to get his brother. He was only about 5 or 6 at the time but was a pretty dick move.

So glad we can't have kids.

Francis I can imagine you were ready to kill her for that one.

DS knocked over a large lava lamp and the oil/water mixture was all over the carpet. Instead of cleaning it up with a cloth he decided to hoover it. The next time I used the hoover smoke poured out of it and it nearly burst into flames. He also spilt tea over an electric socket and didn't tell me. I found out a few minutes later when I switched the socket on and it exploded. He also threw an empty can of squirty cream in the fire. Cue big explosion. I'm only now seeing the link to explosions here...

Oh and he's 21.

Blamed the writing on the cupboard door as being there when we moved in, tbf we had just moved in but it's highly unlikely the previous tennants had written her, quite distinctive Irish name on the door.
Said the popsocks in her schoolbag were taken from my drawer. I have NEVER owned fecking popsocks.

DD decided to shave her belly , nicked her outy belly button - claret everywhere !

Smothered the carpet in sudocream.

I agreed to a small house party for her 14th birthday - she announced it on fucking FB !! I had to recruit my neighbour to help with crowd control !

Me and a friend blocked her bathroom sink whilst trying to put her arm in a plaster cast so she didn't have to go to school

DD3 happily colouring in at the coffee table wearing only her nappy. Turned round and proudly showed me her nipples that were covered in red felt tip. On the plus side, I was proud of the fact she hadn't gone outside the lines

Ds6 put food colouring is Dhs shower gel.

Dh works away went for a shower and phoned me asking why he was stained blue! Was awful, he was a life sized smurf for a few days!

Still don't know why ds did that, or how he got in a locked cupboard to get it

I remember my DD at 3; I went in to tuck her back into bed. On straightening the duvet I caught a glimpse of her feet. She had got out of bed at some stage and was wearing her glittery wellies. In bed.

Read "George's Marvellous Medicine" to grandma.

Actually that was me aged 7. Grandma didn't mind but my parents were mortified!

DS used to piss in the fireplace when he was 3.

Kids will always crack me up that is so funny.

Trained my children very early to clean their bedrooms

Gave 2 year old ds2 a full bottle of mr sheen and a cloth to polish his chest of drawers

Was just behind him when door bell rang

5 minutes...i swear 5 minutes was all it took

Got upstairs to find that he had emptied the whole can...onto the window pane

He also covered himself with sudacream

He isnt a dick though...he is an adorable little munchkin (even at 13)

Many, many, many stupid moments here with four kids.
My favourite was when my eldest was 8. He tripped over a twig on the pavement and did a 360 trip where he honestly did a summersult and almost landed on his feet again. It was just physically imposible. I was so impressed I laughed first then did the 'OMG are you ok?' Who does that on tiny little twig? Mind you maybe he just how to fall well from gymnastics?

Oooh ds wrote on the telly

When i asked him if he had done it he said no

He had written his own name...muppet

God I could write a book, but the latest 'I cannot believe you actually did that' moment was when DS2 decided to cook himself a bacon sandwich after school (I was at work). He put the bacon in the pan and decided to go off and watch tv. He called me at work to tell me the bacon had burnt. Then I got home to find he'd left the gas in without the flame. So not only did he v nearly start a fire, he also could have caused a gas explosion

DS1 (16) told DS2 (12) that if he pretended that he was shaking salt into his mouth, he would actually taste salt. It was a trap...

Ds was fast asleep when on going to kiss him I discovered an enormous swelling in his cheek. I panicked thinking he had some horrible injury. However on waking him I discovered he'd gone to sleep with an enormous marble in his gob!!!

I got pissed out of my brains on my Dads Southern Comfort while he & my Mum were on his works Christmas do (I was 14).

I projectile vommed all over the brand new bathroom carpet, and hoovered every last bit of it up and put the hoover back in the cupboard without saying a word.

My Mum never knew why the house stank every time she hoovered and ended up buying a new one 2 weeks later. I never confessed.

5 yr old DDs room smelt awful but couldnt find the cause. Spent an entire weekend emptying it all out to find that she had pissed in a plastic box, it was lidded and still stunk to high heaven. She couldnt remember when she had done it. Needless to say the whole box got chucked without opening it.

More recently had a crap day with me and two youngest all feeling ill. When DH came home I went for a bath. Came out fresh pyjamas and DS chucked all over me.. hair included

He's only six and currently racking up an impressive list of stupid things.
Aged 18 months, started climbing up all sorts of things. Fell off, caught top lip on the way down and damaged the little bit that joins the lip to the gums. That was a lot of blood.
Ate a cat biscuit.
Decided to climb up into the open boot of our car aged 3. Didn't tell anyone he was doing it. Fell off, landed face first and then spent ages in A&E getting his forehead sewn up.
Walked smack into a bright yellow bollard in the school car park. They really are brightly coloured and yet he walked into it. He was looking right at it too. Had to go to the GP for that one.
Rolled off his bed recently for no obvious reason. Headbutted his chest of drawers. Thankfully the steri strips we already had did the job.

As for my toddler...
Pulled an entire loo roll off and stuffed it down the loo. Then he rammed the cardboard inner down the sink plughole and turned both taps on. I was alerted to something being wrong when the dripping in the living room started.
In my defence I thought they were both playing quietly in their room and I was both chronically sleep deprived and ill. When they go quiet I always check now. Took ages to dry everything out!