Dick moves your kids have made.

[HardLightHologram]

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

Me aged about 6, did a striptease complete with humming 'the stripper' Daaaa, da da, daaa, da, da to my grandparents.

In my defence I must have heard / seen something not suitable for a 6 year old.

DD, 3, sat on my lap and wee'd not once but twice the other day. Then spent the rest of the day calling me ' little Mummy wee wee'.
I still don't know why.

My 3 year proudly showed me a drawing he'd done. Didn't think anything much about it at the time until the evening when my husband found the drawing and realised it was our marriage certificate! Same child a year earlier when potty training, still at the stage where we were rewarding him for using the potty. Came and told be he'd done a wee and asked for a sweetie. I went and checked and cleaned the potty. Noticed a little while later that the bottle of water that had been in the room was suspiciously empty. Cheeky blighter used the water to fake a pee so he could have a sweet. Secret quite impressed but we do have our hands full.

I did giggle at the milk in the kettle and locking dad on the roof. I can just picture it 😃

My daughter came downstairs to ask for gloves. When I asked why she said she needed to get a lemon out of the toilet 😏

When asked why there was a lemon in the toilet, she explained she'd put it there because it had gone mouldy. She'd put it under her bed to see how long it would stay yellow (ok) then forgotten about it..,

babyboyharrison I did the same with my parents marriage cert but used chanel lipsticks and a scissors as well. Getting a replacement involved an embassy and paying translators as they got married abroad

Me aged about 6, did a striptease complete with humming 'the stripper' Daaaa, da da, daaa, da, da to my grandparents.

Amazing

I was playing hide and seen with my 4yo dd.she hid in her wardrobe (which has neatly folded pj's,vests,and some shoes at the bottom)
I knew where she was,but I wanted to make out she found a great hiding place,so loudly looked through the whole house before finally "finding" her.
when I had opened up the door she was sat in a puddle of her own wee and had also pooped her pants.
I asked her why she hadnt gone to the toilet and she said "I had a good hiding place and didn't want you to find me"!
Ever since I've found her pretty much straight away in hide and seek.

When DS1 was 4 he pissed behind his bedroom door. He didn't know why he did it.

WTF!!
Luckily it never happened again.

I love this thread! Had me in stitches. I've got a 3 yr old boy so I'm dreading/looking for these dick moves

The 3 teenage girls:

Wipe make up on their clean clothes rather than wipes.

Ruined their carpet with straightener burns.

Ran up a 300 phone bill - beginning of this month.

Cut her hair off in protest.

Took my Chanel no 5 and was letting all her friends have a squirt - then threw a huge tantrum when I used her bottle of impulse.

Used my Clinique and benefit make up.

Jumped in the Christmas tree

The teenage boy

Tripped all the electrics by spilling tea in his extension reel but didn't tell us for ages so we couldn't work out what had caused it.

He didn't want to finish a big bottle of lucozade and dd said she would have it so he poured it down the toilet - massive shitfit from dd.

Housesat for my dsis went out clubbing lost her keys and knocked my mum up at 3 in morning to sleep on her sofa then had to pay for a locksmith as my dsis dog was inside her house.

There is loads more but I would be here all day.

Dd when about 2 managed to shut the door and lock me out of the house (id literally just stepped out). But she couldn't get the door unlocked again or take the key out. Cue fire service being called and my back door window being smashed open with a hatchet (double glazing takes some breaking!) 😟

At 5 decided to sniff a bead up her nose - nearly required surgery as it was star shaped and wouldn't come out with the sucking thing.

I have a brand new one for you. Today DS was doing a maths test at school. It was two double-sided sheets of paper. Then, because he was sitting near the art storage area, he glued the two sheets of paper together. I had to go in to see the head teacher about that one. Making it 4 visits to school and 5 phone calls home this term alone.

Dss 14yrs old was making a cup of tea, walked into the living room with the sugar jar that I'd just filled earlier and said "oh I wonder what would happen if I did this?" Waved his arm about, lid of said sugar jar flew off and a full bag of sugar lands all over the living room!!!! And I mean everywhere! Why?! Just why? It was a mixture of shock at how stupid a 14 yrs old could actually be and the look on his face when he realised what had happened and that he then had to clean it all up!!!

Love this thread by the way. Makes me realise my dc aren't the only ones with no brains!!!!
I've had the talcum powder and nappy cream everywhere as well when they were all little.

DS 14, spilt Strawberry and Banana smoothie on his bedroom carpet. Got a couple of white towels from the airing cupboard. Dabbed up the smoothie, threw the towels in a corner of his room. Did not tell anyone. It was the smell on the towels that led us to them, days later. They were ruined.

The list is huge..
Up there - disappearing the day before we go on holiday having paid for 2 weeks 5* AI in school holidays?

oh dear lord, I'm actually roaring with laughter here. Nice to know that 14/15 yrs old seems to be the age of true stupidity. Makes me feel so much better. Worryingly though I have 4 more dc to follow on that age!

Well, straight in at number one has to be getting me published on Mail Online.

I'll save that little gem for the wedding speech, I think.

my then 5yr old ds put washing up liquid in the kettle, cue bubbles bloomin everywhere when I switched it on! to be fair he said he was cleaning the kitchen for me

My 1 year old son likes to rip the top of a big tub of sudocrem and eats it the weirdo. Nicks it from the nappy bag when I am not looking. As well as eating it he manages to get his hands, hair, clothes and surrounding furniture caked in it. It's a right clean up opperation. Plus that stuff costs a fortune.