Dick moves your kids have made.

[HardLightHologram]

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

Before I was born db1 (around 5) painted his 12 month old younger brother in white gloss paint. My parents took him to A&E.

As a teenage, the same brother after throwing an illegitimate party thought it was a good idea to hoover up the vomit. I can still recall the stink when mum next turned the Hoover on.

And not sure where to start with DS2, who has a tendency to stick things in various orifices. At 4 we had a trip to A&E it was a daisy up his nose, at 11 (!) a lolly stick (honest to god!) But at 16(!!) he really excelled himself by getting a popcorn kernel stuck in his ear

This I had forgotten about until fb reminded me a few days ago...when my son was about 2 and just potty training I woke up to a pooh on my bedroom floor which he had done presumably during the night and flung over the stair gate into my adjacent bedroom! He also opened all his Christmas presents early when he was 3. We had a bad night and ended up having a nap together on the sofa. He must have woken before me as when I opened my eyes he had disappeared into my wardrobe and unwrapped every last present. Devastated doesn't even cover it!

Also toddler with ASD drawing all over the baby with a sharpie....
Will look back one and laugh I'm sure

oh dear this thread is making me laugh out loud.

Back to the piss theme - DS got one of those wooden chairs where the seat bit pops out, took the seat out, sellotaped a bin bag so it hung beneath, and put it in the cupboard of his sister's bedroom, and said it was an 'en suite' loo...and yes he did piss in it...

DS2 at the age of 2 decided his laminated jigsaw puzzle needed toasting, waits for dad to go to the toilet and then pops the puzzle in the toaster and turned the setting up to max. DH returns from bathroom and sees flames from the toaster and then (completely naked) tries to extinguish this electrical fire with water, which then sets the deep fat fryer off too. Cue London Fire Brigade visit. Worst thing was FIL was a fireman and had been for all of DH's formative years and made sure the kids were all well educated on fire safety

Not kids, but DH once pissed in the wardrobe...

Ones I asked my dd 3 to help me and put all the fruit in the fruit bowl....
then I found it like this:

DS1 (16) told DS2 (12) that if he pretended that he was shaking salt into his mouth, he would actually taste salt. It was a trap...

Haha, classic

About a year ago my now 5yo ds pissed in the cat food bowl. My rage was immeasurable.

ahh the old salt shaker trick - just as long as he doesn't do it to grandad at the Christmas dinner eh?

My DDs are both very bright but like my DH they are not practical. In my calmer moments I attribute it to me being so controlling hands-on that they haven't had a chance to develop those particular skills yet. In my less lucid moments I have been known to clutch my head in anguish and scream 'It's like living with chimps'.

My mum was born in the 40s in rural Ireland and her and her sisters were quite big (about 10- 12) when they moved to London and got a flat with a flushing loo. My granny came home from work one day to find my mum and her older sister holding the younger one upside with her head in the toilet bowl. Rather than protesting , the youngest was shouting excitedly 'more, more, I'm not wet yet'. The three of them had devised a cunning plan where flushing your hair in the loo would be a speedy and efficient way to wash it.

Love the fruit !

Amber

"My 15 year old ds tried to make a hot chocolate by boiling milk in the kettle!
He also propped up a dart board on his radiator and hit it with a dart causing a major leak"

Ex-H tried to boil milk in an electric kettle at dd's birthday party last year, he's 46. (He did - eventually - get it clean with baking soda followed by boiling the kettle repeatedly with water/vinegar solution. I didn't laugh at him . . . much )

Previous boyfriend many years ago (but he was an adult in his 20s) managed to spike his bedroom radiator with a ninja throwing star.

I'm now safely single . . .

My ds and dd (about 5 &3 at the time) Where playing hide and seek with younger brother (1) i notised they where wet and asked why. So they told me they had found a great hiding place on the outside windowsill on the first floor! Unfortunately it was raining so they got a bit wet while sitting on the wet slippery windowsill of my dd bedroom window!!! Omg I was so angry! What where they thinking!

My ds tonight has a bright green nose coming out of school. I've tried everything known to man to remove it but apparently he and billy thought it would be funny. He's 4. I cant even look at him tonight! In the last 2 months alone He has also peed on the cat, peed on the couch and the highlight has been the day i caught him administering calpol to his toys, involving calpol all over his wool carpet that has to now be replaced

I suppose this is payback for me and my brother slashing open out beds at the base and hiding in them to avoid going to school, We waited for our mum to come in, check our beds were empty then she went off to work. All was fine until my brother got himself stuck and couldnt get out, he'd gone in head & legs first and had no room for movement.

I panicked and called for an ambulance, luckily they laughed when they were faced with a 10 year old boy in the breech position stuck in his bead.My mum - Not so much.

When DD1 was about 2 years old, I treated myself to some new mascara - the sort that make lashes look longer and thicker. She was sitting on the floor with her back to me, and when she turned around, it looked like she was doing an Al Jolson impersonation. She was covered in it. Her (late)GF laughed so much that I thought he was going to have a coronary.

There were little black handprints all over the place for ages after that. Bloody waterproof mascara!

Some of these are making me cry with laughter, there are some evil geniuses out there!
Foster DS, age 16, finding out what happens when you put what you think is an empty spray paint can in a Chimnea, when you're burning stuff.
For those who don't know what happens, the can, which is not fully empty, explodes, covers your garden in grey paint, and cracks the chimnea 🙄

We've had quite a few of these.
Filling clean nappies though ds4 loved to hit me directly.
Dd1 had a period of convincing school friends to cut her hair then she cut dd2 hair.
Oldest 2 dcs painting a picture on the dining room carpet to cheer me up.
Ds2 put a phone in the deep fat fryer also down the toilet and in a washing machine... I remind him of these when he asks for a mobile.
Ds2 wouldn't leave his room to go to toilet after coming out of nappies so used a giant teddy in his room.
Oldest 2 boys having a competition peeing on to nappies to see who could pee most.
Kids saw a film and in it toilet roll was wet and thrown they decided it looked like snow so decorated the living room walls and ceiling for Christmas.
Was told bedrooms being decorated decided to help and used my nail varnish to paint windowsill and radiator.
Ds3 found 2 lipsticks decided he liked them covered himself using both... the kid looked like a grape when he had finished (I took pictures as proof).
Covered bed clothes and themselves in sudacream... this has happened a few times over the years.
Made magic potions in the toilet using bubble bath and shampoo we had an endless bubble stream along the hallway.
Jumped on bunkbeds after being warned repeatedly and fallen through to bottom bunk.
Decorated the cat with tinsel around her collar and tail, the cat now hates tinsel with a passion and hisses as she passes it.

They have definitely kept me on my toes but for the most part are good kids.

I didn't even know you could hoover vomit! I thought it'd stain.

Teenage boys have to corner the market on idiotic behaviour at least mine did!

To add as teenagers they filled out a neighbourhood watch application for in my name and the first thing I knew about it was a very nice old gentleman knocking on my door with a name badge, a list of roads and addresses I was responsible for and a timetable of me to liaise with the local police officer.

I had to do a bloody year as a coordinator.

Maybe not a dick moment but it didn't go well for them for a while.

tried to laminate a cheese sandwich

DS1 did a dirty protest on the wall with the contents of his nappy. The newly painted wall.
And they emptied baby bath all over the kitchen floor to play in it. The kitchen was like a cross between a skating rink and a crap nightclub with a bubble machine.

Dnephew posted his unwanted jam sandwich in the video machine. The repairman said it happens all the time. A week later he did it again.