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Original poster

Dick moves your kids have made.

369 replies

HardLightHologram · 12/12/2016 17:45

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

OP posts:
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5
BathshebaSnowflakeStone · 14/12/2016 10:38

DS saved all his dick moves for preschool and nursery.

Blocked a toilet with mud from the garden.

Opened a side gate and let 2 of his mates through.

Ladyonashortfuse · 14/12/2016 10:42

Deliberately pissing all over and round the toilet (but not in it). Standing on and jumping off said toilet seat repeatedly until it broke. Taking their toothbrushes on a trip 'to the seaside' in the bathroom, flooding said bathroom. Many many more bathroom-related dickeries (must be a boy thing).Grin

BathshebaSnowflakeStone · 14/12/2016 10:46

Oh and DD decided to turn DS into Spiderman with felt pens.

PopGoesTheFuckingWeasel · 14/12/2016 10:50

When DD was two, she colored in our (black and white) cat with a pink highlighter I'd left lying around

MrsPoldark · 14/12/2016 10:53

When dd1 was about 4 was with my at my folks. Dodgy lock on bathroom door, repeatedly told not to lock it, so of course she did, cue panic. My dad had to climb the ladder & try & fit through tiny window to rescue her. She waited until he was wedged before calmly opening door and proudly exclaiming "managed it". Later same day she's outside helping grandad wash car, answer the house phone, it's my dad asking to be rescued from greenhouse as she turned hose on him & chased him down the garden. She's still his favourite, I'd have been skelped if I'd tried that. My mum was poorless with laughter she said "let me know when you're planning next visit, I'll sell tickets".

BathshebaSnowflakeStone · 14/12/2016 10:58

Oh yes, DS doesn't stick things up his own nose, he sticks them up his classmate's nose. Xmas Hmm

RocketQueenP · 14/12/2016 11:03

DS when he was 3 shit in the garden just cos he CBA to come in and go to the toilet

Dh saw him do it out of the kitchen window and when he went out to confront him DS said "a bird did it"

DD aged 2 did a piss of rage in Tesco's. She was potty trained but only a few weeks in, but pretty reliable. But because she couldn't get her own way (which was walking round Tesco, which we didn't want her too as she runs off) we put her in the child seat and she just glared at dh and I and pissed everywhere

When DS started school I picked him up one day and he announced loudly to his class teacher that "Mummy does pole dancing don't you mummy" (To be clear I did, and do, do pole dancing but pole dancing exercise classes as opposed to it being my actual job)

Had a sneaky ciggie at a family party and DS grassed me up to DH (I was meant to have quit, fair play to ds I suppose)

xStefx · 14/12/2016 11:15

My mother said my brother uses to like bananas a lot. Sometimes she would wonder how he has eaten them so quick. One day they went to play a video (no dvd's then days) and found about 8 squashed up bananas in the video player.....

Albadross · 14/12/2016 12:29

Me aged about 3, surrounded by geese and lots of people saying 'ahh that's sweet' - the geese get a bit feisty so I say "fuck off geese!' my parents hid.

Me aged 7, there was a bidet in family friends' bathroom and I'd put it on full blast on hot - a huge jet of water blasting across the room between me and the door, and nobody heard me shouting...

I also put silly putty over the TV remote and it wouldn't come off

As teenagers my friends at my parents' house were swinging a rounders bat and one let go and it flew across the room and took a big chunk out of the wall. I had to paint over it with watercolour paint about a thousand times because it just soaked into the plaster.

DH last week collecting DS from nursery - gets taken aside and asked if DS really has a dead sister in the mountains (he doesn't) Confused

DS used to regularly wipe his pooey bum with the hand towel in our downstairs toilet and then put it back for the next unsuspecting person to use on their nice clean hands!

When DS was a baby we had one of those changing mats that sit on the top of a crib, it was a hot summer so I wasn't wearing anything. I took off his nappy and he weed all over my naked boobs Shock

FurryLittleTwerp · 14/12/2016 13:35

We had new carpets when DS was about 18 months old. DH was sitting on the floor in the lounge with a full pint of beer in his hand.

DS suddenly rushed across the room & plunged his hand into the beer right to the bottom - beer fountained up & out, all over the new carpet.

When much younger he managed to squirt a jet of liquid poo up from the changing mat & into DH's slipper, while he was wearing it.

Yokohamajojo · 14/12/2016 13:37

DS1 called 999 when he was 8 months old, the police came knocking on the door and I still hadn't realised he'd done it.

DS2 took a toy hammer to the plasma screen when he was 2

DS1 cracked the IPad screen by taking it to the toilet when having a poo and dropping it on the stone floor

Motherofatruck · 14/12/2016 15:17

Went out today with DS age 2. Got home to find the whole house stinking of gas. Turns out he'd pulled his step over to the cooker and turned on one of the hobs the biggest one
Luckily my brother, who lives with us, was up half an hour later, turned the gas off and neither he nor the dog were suffering any ill effects from being gassed!

Ahrightsoted · 14/12/2016 15:20

I have loads sadly but one that springs to mind is when ds let the cat out the front door but forgot to open the porch door! So when I went to lock up poor reggie cat was there waiting with his legs v tightly crossed Angry

minifingerz · 14/12/2016 16:40

Ds2 weed repeatedly into the bottom of the Ikea spinney chair (the kids one with the concertina cover which pulls down over it). It dripped under the seat and pooled in the bottom. Took me ages to work out where the horrible smell was coming from.

DS1 let go of the wii controller while playing ( wasn't looped around his wrist). Smashed a £1400 tv.

Ds2 cut holes in the seats of 4 dining chairs and a valuable leather armchair. It was experimental rather than vindictive.

NecklessMumster · 14/12/2016 17:44

Oh yes, and when ds1 was about 3 we were looking at the toys in John Lewis, I showed him a big plastic Wendy house, we both went in to have a look, he whipped his shorts off and peed on the floor..I just grabbed him and ran off. Also just stopped his brother from using a display toilet in homebaseBlush

OrianaBanana · 14/12/2016 20:09

DS tried to flush a nursery-worker's coat down the toilet Blush Mind you he and his friends had taken the coat off the high pegs and from one side of the large room to the other and into the toilets without any of the nursery workers apparently noticing anything amiss Hmm

LadyTmalia · 14/12/2016 20:44

Ahh When my DD was about 9, she called the police on her father and I one evening whilst we were "getting merry"

We now take it in turns to have a drink ... She is 19 next month :D

BathshebaSnowflakeStone · 14/12/2016 22:22

DS just rolled out of bed in slow motion as I was in there laying uniforms out, whimpered quietly, picked up his quilt and, still clutching Bear, climbed back in!Xmas Grin

TheLongRoadToXmas · 14/12/2016 22:32

Grand jete-ing (or whoever you spell it) across the kitchen. With a big, 4 litre carton of milk. Which turned out not to have the lid on tight enough.

Kicking me in the face, because obviously in the kitchen is the right place to see if you can do vertical splits (she nearly can, it turns out. But not when my face is in the way).

There are quite a few more dance-related moments of foolery - as she gets older she gets slightly more sensible, but her legs and arms do get longer...

bluebellsparklypants · 14/12/2016 23:18

Great thread making me laugh😃

Civilservant · 14/12/2016 23:28

My brother and his friend put a whole pack of tic tacs into their ears and noses, to see how difficult it would be to extract them. A&E trip.

HomeIsWhereTheGinisNow · 14/12/2016 23:41

Ended up at a&e a month ago because DS (2) shoved a raisin up his nose. Duly extracted it with mouth (heave) under nurse instruction and headed home, pleased we'd made it in time for lunch. Made him beans on toast and watched in stunned disbelief as he immediately did it again with a bean...

Itsallgoodimtold · 14/12/2016 23:56

Opened the front door (live on a dual carriageway) at some time around 5am on a Saturday morning and didn't close it. Only knew when my I heard my neighbour inside my house, downstairs around 7, shouting my name as she thought we had been burgled.
Oh hang on, the child involved was over 30… it was my boyfriend when he went to work!!!!!

heidipi · 14/12/2016 23:56

These are great.

My friend's DD was about 12mo and crawling around on the floor, near the cat. The cat puked. Friend's DD ate the puke.

Friend said it was like she went into slo-mo. She saw what was about to happen but couldn't get across the room fast enough to stop it. Grin

geekymommy · 15/12/2016 05:09

My dad once got a writeup in the local paper as "The Nursery's Perfect Child". The day it was published, he managed to escape from the nursery...

DSis as a baby crawled backwards under the couch while Mom was out and Dad was watching me and her. He panicked when he couldn't find her anywhere. Fortunately he found her before Mom came home.

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