Dick moves your kids have made.

[HardLightHologram]

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

This is my 3yo childhood dick move.

My parents were supposed to be going out for the day and I hid the car keys and didn't reveal their whereabouts until bed time.

They were going to a FUNERAL.

No kids here yet, but me and my siblings were right knobbers when we were small.

Me,
Stuck my tongue in individual trifles at a family party when told not to stick my fingers in them - aged 3
Hid in an air vent playing hide and seek with my sister for so long at a timeshare presentation that the police were called - aged 7

My sister
Drew all over her face, body and the walls of my mothers bedroom with her best lipstick - aged 3
Pinged my brother into the door frame whilst in his bouncer - aged 4

My brother
Pissed in my Dads wellies - aged 4
Ate dirt from plant pots regularly until about 5
Ran down the side of the dual carriageway naked when my grandmother was trying to clean him after he shat every where - aged 3

This thread is brilliant, and making me feel a lot better about my crazy three year old!

Some of these are hilarious!

My girls like to have fart fights with each other. Dd3 pinned dd2 down, tried to fart on her face, squeezed too hard and poo fell out the side of her knickers. On to dd2 face. Dd2 then promptly vomited everywhere. They are 7 & 9 and fart fights have been banned now.

We moved into a new house when dd1 was younger and she loved one of the neighbours older daughters and used to constantly knock at their door so I had to tell her to stop. One day I went through to our living room and couldn't find dd anywhere, I was starting to panic and was in the street looking when I decided to knock at the neighbours door to see if she was there. The neighbour had been in the bath when I knocked her door and hadn't seen dd. That's when the little voice piped up from the back room 'I'm here'. She had wondered in their house, got herself a packet of crisps and was sitting on the sofa watching tv! I asked what on earth she thought she was doing and she just replied with 'you told me I wasn't allowed to knock anymore so I just walked in'! I was mortified, neighbour (who I barely knew!) luckily thought it was hilarious.

When my aunty had her 2nd baby and the health visitor called round her first born aged 4 at the time came in and said very loudly in front of health visitor "mammy do you want your gin now" she doesn't even drink gin and had no idea why he even said it!

Duckyneedsaclean wow that was quite bad!

J3NN1 your girls are hilar!

I was very early to read and speak in full sentences, and my parents were very proud of their precocious little brat. But because I was so early, they perhaps didn't notice that little pitchers have big ears as quickly as they should have done.

They were a lot less proud of me when they were trying to part-ex DF's car, and as we were test driving the new one, a little voice piped up with great interest from the back seat:

"Does the clutch slip on this one like it does on yours, Daddy?"

Hasty efforts to explain to the salesman that little kids don't understand what they are saying, they just copy everything, etc etc fell on suddenly deaf ears...

My toddlers haven't managed to do anything too awful, just the standard embarrassing tantrums and loudly telling us about people's funny hair, big tummies etc.

DB managed to lightly slash my dad's leg with a knife and take the tip off DSis2's finger with a potato peeler though.

DSis1 climbed up a ladder dad left against the side of the house and DM (petrified of heights) had to climb up and get her.

I had serious ishoos about no longer being a spoilt only child (nearly died at birth, mum and dad started a family late and weren't sure if they'd have more) and threw DSis1 out of her pram and pushed her down the stairs...

Me, aged 3. Went to the loo, locked the door behind me, put the bathroom key down the loo and flushed. Mum had to call the fire brigade to get me out.
Me, aged 3. Visited neighbours in an adjoining apartment. Stuck head through balcony railings. Mum had to call the fire brigade to get me out.
DB, aged 3. In the park with friends. Held his hand out to Mum and said, "Look Mummy, doggy poo!"

YelloDraw

To be fair, I've no memory of it!

I'm in stitches reading this.
My mum used to work in M&S on the checkouts and once a little boy about aged 5, wasn't allowed a sweet at the checkout, so swiftly shouted that if he wasn't allowed a sweet he would tell EVERYONE that he saw mummy kissing dads willy. My mum said the poor woman swiftly ran out leaving her shopping, and nobody knew where to look!

Hanban you win! I don't see how that can be topped!

When I was around 13 I left a tube of immac Hair removal in the shower, which my dad then washed his hair with!!!!

Luckily he realised quite quickly that it smelt odd and washed it off before too much damage was done

Made and lit a bonfire on his bedroom carpet aged 11. (He's now a nearly 50 year old lawyer).

I caught my naked 2yo son leaning against daddy's huge TV speaker and pissing in a hole.
He pissed all over his sister's pillows and we didn't realise until bed time.
Last week he covered his Willy with tiny unicorn stickers and his arsehole with happy face stickers.

My youngest son was only potty trained at 2 if he didn't wear underpants (he treated them like a nappy). Unfortunately, a visit to a ball park in loose fitting trousers tested his toiletting skills. I watched as he shat at the top of the slide (it fell down his trouser leg). He then slid down the slide and ran through the ball pool until my shouting alerted him to the need to get out. Fast.

Oh! Just remembered about my bro, caught aged 7 lighting fires behind the shed with our cousin, also 7, and pissing on them ti put them out!!!

DS sh*t in a hot tun while we were on holiday. He was 2.

DS cut his sister's hair catastrophically short. He was five. She was 2 1/2. DH, who was in the same room, but focussed on a rugby international on the telly, was 39 3/4

It wasn't the drastic restyle that bothered me. It was the fact that the kitchen scissors could have had her eyes out or ears off.

When the children were younger still they found my make up bag. Unfortunately they looked so funny, covered head to foot in funny colours that we laughed rather than scolded.

The upside of these escapades is that now aged 20 and 18 respectively, brother and sister remain really good buddies and partners in crime. Silver linings and all that!

Hot tub! Not hot tun!

Ds at 10 months got stuck in the cat flap, head and one arm/ shoulder through. It was a door on the side of the house and a complete stranger stopped and helped me ease him back.

About 6 years later he fell off the stepping stones at centre parks into the carp pond. Unfortunately it was January and he only had one coat and pair of trainers. We had to dry them out under the hand dryer in the loo otherwise he would have died of hypothermia.