Dick moves your kids have made.

[HardLightHologram]

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

Just had to rejoin to say that the poster who's son shut her DH on the roof had me and DH in stitches.

Drew big Maori style tattoo's all over his face...........with a Sharpie pen.

Dismantled the bathroom as he wanted to see how it all fitted together.

Got into the elephant enclosure at Chester zoo. (aged 9 months....he just walked through the wooden posts as they weren't designed to stop a child so small).

Rode his bike down a huge slide....lost a tooth.

Got stuck up a tree at school, the fire brigade rescued him.

DD was an angel by comparison....she just sanded down the brand new car with sandpaper whilst DH was sanding down a window frame right next to her.

I was telling DH about this thread. He said "What about the time ds1 threw up in the night on his pillow, turned it over and went back to sleep?"
I had forgotten about that. It was dried hard. Grim.
The first time he was given a balloon to play with (I think he was about 8 months) he bit it. It burst. He cried.
There was also the time he upended a cup of strawberry nesquik on an open pack of nappies in his room. Rather than come and tell me, he decided to hide in his bed and have a wee. I have no idea why. He seemed rather nonplussed by it all. He was 3 at the time.
The time he decided to play in his new Ikea toy box that had wheels on the bottom of it. He tipped it over, nutted his cot and got a nosebleed. He did the same thing the following day.
He got taken to the Deputy Head's office at the end of summer term this year. Apparently he'd been picking flowers, given them to his friends and then caused a fight as some of the flowers were bigger than others. It started in morning break and then carried on after lunch. School were not happy. I, however, was on a weekend break with my Mum and DH had to deal with the fallout!
My toddler opened and upended a nearly full bottle of fabric softener that I had thought was out of reach. My kitchen did smell nice for quite a while after!
My brother did a pretty dickish thing when he was 10. We'd just moved house, my mum slung us all out to go for a walk with my dad so she could tidy up without us getting in the way. We went to feed the ducks at the local lake.
My brother picked up the first bit of bread, threw it hard except - he forgot to let go. He threw himself in the lake.
We came straight home, my mum went postal.

My dd was a real pain! Cut her hair really badly while the ex was asleep then cut up photos! (Age 3)
Took 2 ltr's of cooking oil into the garden and poured over her head (aged 2).
Set fire to living room aged 4! (At 5am!!) My fault for leaving a lighter in reach. She woke me crying for the ex coz she knew it was bad!
She used to climb out of her bedroom window and walk on the sill from one window to another! Til I got locks fitted!
Aged 18months stripped naked and got under the nets pressing her naked body against the living room window shouting help me!
Chucked a HUGE rock on the beach (aged 2/3) that she had no right being able to lift and it hit another child in the head!
Thankfully she's 22 now and behaves better (ish) 😂
Her cousin crapped on his doorstep (aged 5/6) coz it was his brothers birthday and not his!
This has made me laugh, especially pissing on the cat (not a cat fan!!) 😂😂😂😂😂

Nothing to add, just 😂😂😂

Finally! I realise I can join in.

DS1, aged about 2-3. I go to the loo upstairs, first time I've left him instead of using the downstairs loo. Come back to find him stood in the kitchen corner looking scared and shocked. Suddenly notice the microwave is on fire inside. DS had put his torch in the microwave and for the first and only time it started going without a proper setting...

With regards to the pee thing I remember being about 7 and being annoyed at my younger brother so I peed on his bedroom floor. Best part was we shared a bedroom not sure if I ever got caught! Also at 8 I needed a wee at the park and my friend assured me it was ok just to wet yourself, so I stood on the playground and peed all down the slide. My mum didn't even tell me off she was so shocked

i own a few horses and have a few girls come to part loan, 4 of them ages 12-13.....descovered them in the feed room making pot noodles (well that's why kettles tnere, pot noodles and brew)

well turn out not 1 of them knew how to make a pot noodle or thought to read instructions........they had put the pot noodles IN the kettle, with water and were boiling it, well 3 out of the 4 we're doing
that, the other one had a bombay bad boy so had to wait till the chicken and mushroom gang had finished (they put all 3 in at one to make it quicker)

I watched my 15 year old ds walk towards the microwave last night holding an unopened can of beans, I had to stop him at the last minute

DC4 slid down the stairs with a bare bottom after not wiping. .. that was a disgusting stripe (DHL cleaned up :D)
DC1 cut off all of her long hair (and I mean all, she was nearly bald in places) a week before school photos and then had the front to suggest I might like to buy her a wig :D
DC2 waited until bedtime one night and then casually announced she'd pushed a stone into her ear at school that day. A&E for four hours and two doctors later it was finally retrieved. DC2 thought she'd had a great night out!
DC1 had a childminder who also happened to foster and used to tell everyone that I'd put him in foster care!!!

Oh and I forgot to mention the time we put all three of them to bed in a gorgeous holiday cottage, went in to wake them in the morning to find they had stripped most of the wall paper off the walls.

DH spent 2 whole days redecorating the whole room in the closest match of paper we could find.

I have a few:

DD, when potty training, wee'd all over DH's iPad because it was the same colour as her potty.

DS, aged 3, was doing shapes at nursery and snipped his birthday cheque from my mum into a rectangle, circle, triangle and square.

But possibly mine is the worst. My mother was a Rolling Stones fan and had bought the early 3D lenticular cover gatefold edition of their 1967 album "Their Satanic Majesties Request". It's the world's first 3D LP cover and is their most collectible record, copies in mint condition were valued at over £2000 several years ago.

At least, Mum's would have been, had I not filled in the maze on the artwork with black felt-tip pen

DD1 smashed a full, large bottle of Chanel perfume on my tiled kitchen floor. I cried as I cleaned it up (was a gift I could never have afforded at the time).

On the plus side, every time I used the mop for MONTHS it smelt beautiful

Hid about 15 mini sausage rolls deep within the Christmas tree last year , there was the most rank smell for ages . We only discovered it after we took the tree down . He was 3 so I suppose we will never know why he did it .

He also stuck a biro up the dogs bum

DD (age 9 at the time) went to make her and a friend a cheese toastie came back to tell me she couldn't find the toaster bags, I asked where the sandwich was, her friend replied in the toaster wrapped in tin foil!
I never moved so fast in my life, luckily no damage was caused.
Cue explanation on how toasters work and conductivity.

My dd2 aged 3 at the time managed to get hold of a pair of sissors and repeatly stab her brand new inflatable chair. She was only in her room a minute and there were about 20 stab wounds in it, what explanation is there for that?!

BTW I pissed myself at mummy kissing daddy's willy hanban!!!

We got double glazing when I was 6 and my brother was 9. He convinced me that mum and dad wanted us to smash out the old single-glazed windows to save the window people time.

Which we did, with a screwdriver and a hammer.

Every single window.
Two weeks before the glazier was coming. In February. It was snowing.

We weren't the most popular kids for quite a while after that

(wave to anyone who knows this story!)

My DD not old enough yet but I have one from my childhood. We were on holiday in another part of the UK and I escaped through the back door and crossed the dual carriageway by the house.

DM still hasn't recovered.

*aged 2.5

I have no idea why, but aged three, my parents gave me a small glass of sherry one christmas. I tried to eat the glass and they spend some time picking shards of glass out of my mouth.

Not sure who was the biggest dick

Health and safety clearly wasn't my parents' thing, as, at a similar age, I managed to fall onto a load of those carpet grippers with nails sticking out, wrists down = lots of puncture wounds

Aged 6, I decided to ride my dad's bike, propped it up against the shed and climbed on, free-wheeled down the garden and fell off into a spiky shrub thing and got a bit stuck in my arm. Mum was mad about me riding the bike, so I though it best not to tell her about the twig in my arm....until I ended up in hospital with suspected sepsis

Aged 13ish, I took my tiny pony drag hunting and decided to follow the big horses over a big hedge, rather than the smaller ones over the optional little fence. Pony jumped it, bless her, but didn't quite clear the ditch the other side and I came off and got knocked out

DD is 3 and is more sensible than I've ever been

Noticed a terrible stink coming from somewhere and couldn't figure out where. Turns out DD1 (8) had been stuffing half her supper under the sofa for weeks, together with a pair of knickers she'd had an accident in .

In our old flat, she had also chewed on all the wooden windowsills, leaving deep teeth marks on all of them. Now try and explain that to your bastard of a landlord!

And last weekend I found out DD2 (8) has been using the user name 'shitbitchfuck' for an online children's game. Swearing is NOT allowed in our house. Sigh.

My son made cheese on toast by putting bread and cheese in a toaster... made me bloody clean my toaster out tho-fuck me those things hold enough breadcrumbs to feed a herd of flamingos...

I've got a couple:
Bil convinced dh to clean himself with toilet duck

Ds smashed the tv (still don't know how) we bought a new one and as we are assembling it he grabs a screwdriver and stabs the screen!

I have a pregnancy keepsake box that I've kept all of my pregnancy tests in, left it stupidly in ds' room and went to check on him in the night to discover him surrounded by broken pregnancy tests