Dick moves your kids have made.

[HardLightHologram]

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

A lot of mine are body fluids and well just fluids. 2 DD's

Came to tell me felt sick. I was asleep. Was hovering over my face to wake me up. Puked on my face.

Shit herself during wedding speeches at a reception. Didn't tell anyone and sat down to eat at large table in bridesmaids dress.

Dropped a 2l bottle of fabric softener on the kitchen floor after looking for something that wasn't in the cupboard anyway.

DD1 decided to help herself to a giant bar of chocolate one xmas and hid it... behind the radiator. Then dragged baby under the dining table in a baby bouncer while I was on the loo, got it out from behind the radiator and still tried to eat it. And gave some to baby too. Who wasn't even weaned yet

I love this thread it should definitely be kept going because as long as we keep having them, the stories will continue

I've had a really shitty day but I've spent the last 30 mins with tears running down my face whilst reading some of these

I also once took them to the beach and categorically said 'paddle only, no spare clothes or towels' (unexpected visit) only to see them running 50mph towards the sea and belly flopped straight in

Me aged 6 I made a lazer maze to navigate through my room. Used a WHOLE spool of cotton (that's like half a mile of thread) to create a web I had to climb through. I remember seeing my mum at the door just looking at this huge pink spiderweb I'd made.

Me: making breakfast while camping, handed DD a plate of French toast and a bottle of tomato sauce-"You'll need to give that a shake."
DD 14: whilst holding bottle perfectly still, shakes plate of French toast vigorously from side to side. Breakfast lands on grass.- furiously, "Why did you make me do that?"

Me: shouting instructions to Dd, now 19, on how to make an 'easy' cheesecake -"Put the biscuits in a plastic bag and roll them out till they're all crumbs."
DD19: " Mmph, urge, Mmph. This actually hurts quite a lot!"
She was rolling on them
Me: You are using a rolling pin?" Incredulous
It was as if a light-bulb went on. (She's now a physicist.)

The one that really pissed me off Was when on a long journey with snacks they used the red wax from a pack of mini babybels to decorate the car windows in the back while I was driving. The wax came off easily but the smeary residue never did no matter what I used on it.

Name changed because of outtymcoutface nature of info.

When dd was a toddler we spent a happy autumn morning filling the flower bed at the bottom of the garden with daffodil bulbs.

Come early spring we are all pottering in the garden and admire the flower bed, full of tall, promising daffodil shoots complete with heads ready to burst into a symphony of yellow.

Dd is milling about in the sunshine on her beloved Fimbles 'ride on' as me and DH tackle some pruning.

As we are finishing, to my horror, I notice every single daffodil is headless. I look about for the abandoned buds, expecting dd had pulled them off 'willy nilly' while we were busy. No trace could be found.

Dd was on her truck and I asked her calmly where they were. She said nothing but squirmed uncomfortably. It was then I remembered there was a compartment under her seat.

There they were. Perfectly placed, all the same way and all 'severed' the same length. It was like something out of a horror film

Omg I could go on forever
Ds 1 14 told to tidy his room , threw it all out of the window on to shed roof !

My ds2 did this at a friends birthday party ( tbf he was potty training at the time ) but still - right by the picnic table ??

My friends DS was 2.5 and while at his GPs he pulled the heads off all his DGF's roses, which were his pride and joy

This afternoon ds who is 4 and has chickenpox finally perked up after 2 days of lying in bed. In the following 10 min we started playing with my glasses, he took them off of me, said my glasses.and pretended to hide them (has asd and found this hilarious ). After 4 or 5 times he gets out of my bed and charges off downstairs with them. I then hear all of the kitchen cupboards open and close. He then leads me downstairs and we play fond the glasses.

He had hidden them in the oven. We then spend the next few minutes taking them in and out of the oven.

I bet you can see where this is going.

He finally gives up and drags me off to the sofa to sleep.

A couple of hours later I flick the oven on to warm up. Ds wakes up wanders into the kitchen giggling carrying his glasses. I then say where's mummy's glasses, then freeze as I realise.

Yes they are slowly melting in the oven.

technically my fault, but still

Wrote her name in black marker on a brand new carpet, right in the middle of the room. Dick.

This was my fault but I gave DS1 when he was around 1 a plastic beaker of tomato soup whilst he was in his walker - turned round for 2 mins and he'd been shaking it up and down - walls were covered, he was covered

I decided it would be a good idea for a sandpit in the lounge one miserable day ....... 5 mins later and it made Scarborough beach look sparse ... that took soooo long to clean up

DS2 when he was around 2 decided to cut his hair with school scissors DS1 must have smuggled into the house ....... he looked like a gorgeous little Friar Tuck for a good fortnight

i once pooed behind the tv and used it to bang on the back of the front door. i've set fire to a kitchen whilst trying to use a toaster.....i was 13 and totally incapable of anything, i was a dick

i've passed those qualities on to DS.......age about 11 he pissed in my shampoo bottle after emptying it, he projectile vomited over some guy in asda last week he's 13 (was a stomach bug but he could of said he felt unwell) he ate my advent calendar when he was about 8 and replaced it with brown play doh....the list is endless with that child

When we were small a million years ago my younger brother and I slept in bunk beds. I was prone to midnight vomiting episodes. I became very good at directing my technicolour yawn down onto him and going straight back to sleep, leaving him to yell for our poor parents to cope with the carnage.

As teens, a particularly nasty sibling squabble ended with me in barricaded in my bedroom. So my brother wrote MAD COW in huge letters on my door with a biro that scratched through the paint. I wouldn't let our parents clean and paint it because I was having revenge by taking everybody who came to our house upstairs to show them what he did. Schoolfriends, neighbours, relatives, the milkman... It was 2 weeks before I went on a sleepover and my dad could get it sorted.

This thread has really made me LOL!

Breathing through bumholes!!!

Babybel wax on the windows! DD did that and mushed it into the seatbelt too; in a hired car!

Ds3 (3yrs old also), decided one sunday morning ( when absolutely no carpet/fitters were open for delivery/fitting, this is relevant), to get himself a drink of water from the taps downstairs in the kitchen.

He then proceded to put the stopper in the sink and fill the fucker because he wanted to do some water play (thanks a million for showing him that dh). Unfortunately once finished with his water play, it never dawned on him to turn the fuckin taps off.

My kitchen leads straight through into my sitting room and the floor slopes slightly on the way out to the hallway.

I eventually get up to, as my demon spawn called it, a lovely clean carpet in the sitting room and hallway; plus a poxy swimming pool in my kitchen.

The totally dick move however was from my 17 yr old ds1 who went back to sleep instead of watching ds3 while he flooded my bloody house.

Ds1 I may add, had offered to get up with ds3 that particular morning as I had tonsilitis and a chest infection.

The whole carpet needed replacing, after pulling everything including underlay up and letting the concrete floor dry out.

I will never lay a fucking carpet again!!!

my technicolour yawn

amazing phrase!

My DS is very well behaved it seems - looks like I missed the peeing thing.

Me on the other hand...
I once fell off my bike and broke my wrist, got a cast and told not to ride my bike until it came off. Three days later I fell off a horse and broke the cast.

We used to have a very greedy labrador who stole any biscuits Sis and I got, DM thought it was lovely that I asked for a biscuit for myself and Sis until she realised that I was giving her the biscuit, yelling for the dog and legging it to the climbing frame to eat my biscuit while the diversion/Sis was knocked over by the dog and got no biscuit.

My kids use to have bunk beds and my sons use to piss off the top bunk even over his dvds when he was even younger he use to spray milk from his bottle into or onto absolute everything sour milk carpets

When my children were younger they had been put to bed but one had gone in our room and found a sharpie on dh desk. Youngest came downstairs with socks on his hands. Pulled them off he had pen on his hands, arms, legs and when I went upstairs he had drawn all over the back of the white bedroom door.

DD, aged 2, opened the kitchen cupboards, removed vegetable oil, coffee whitener and ready brek and proceeded to make "Pitty patterns" by emptying the entire contents of all three across my living room and dining room carpet.

I was upstairs cleaning, ex DH was downstairs playing Xbox supervising the toddler... guess whos now ex DH!

I'm pregnant with our first baby.

I'm reading these and half laughing out loud and half thinking "Oh shit. What have we done".

Oh, my friend's potty-in-training toddler recently poo'ed on her child free friend's immaculate cream carpet.

They only found out he'd had a go at wiping his arse on the (also cream) curtains later on...

Me; You know the decorative stone bridge at Kew Gardens? I got my fucking leg stuck in that. I was too embarrassed to say anything and eventually got it out myself. I got shouted at for going missing for hours.

Ooh

Ds1 3 years old needed the loo

Dh and i had a few seconds debate over which one was nearest and turned round to find ds1 weeing in the fountain