Dick moves your kids have made.

[HardLightHologram]

Ds1 (14) has just walked in the front room carrying the big 2l bottle of vegetable oil. Not remotely upright. I screeched at him told him to hold it the right way up and he laughed and wandered into the kitchen, which is where the flimsy plastic cap undid and dumped a load of oil on the floor.

Recently ds2 (5!) pissed on his bedroom windowsill. I still have no idea why.

I swear I am raising a pack of idiots.

I despair.

Please tell me what utterly fuckwitted things your children have done to make me feel better.

(I've sprinkled flour on the oil and will make him hoover it shortly).

Chuffing heck I've totally outed myself as my quote was used on fb page with link to this story. Everyone of my friends knows the aeroplane aticker story gahhhh

My dd who is three sneakily sneaked my phone out of my handbag.

Put my bloody security code in ( I double checked after and she knew it! How the hell?!)

Then proceeded to spend about £60 on my little pony, candy crush and bubble witch.

Damn you 'enable in app purchases' button!!!!

DS was about 2/3 and came in from the garden and had a strange brown snot coming from his nose. Like chocolate....."wait it is chocolate!"

"DSssss, have you put a chocolate raisin up your nose?"

"Yes, mummy"

A stay in hospital later to remove the lodged raisin (it required anaesthetic as even the hoover thing wouldn't get it out) and all was 'well'.

MycatsaPirate - I have only read first page of this thread so far, but am dying to know what kind of DVD player you had, sounds hard wearing and parents need hard wearing electrical goods.

How do we nominate this for Classics ?

DS1 shouting at the top of his voice in M&S 'mummy look! They're so many white people!' - he was referring to the all white mannequins. Not that anyone else around us seemed to realise that.

Same child, again, flopped a huge crap out of his nappy onto the carpet. I walked out to collect cleaning stuff and returned to find him feeding the dog it.

Oh and same child again, shoved a piece of ceramic he found outside up his nostril after watching a little girl on 24 hours in A&E advert a few weeks earlier having Lego taken out of her nose.
He sat for 6 hours in A&E with the biggest smile on his face.

In a shop dd 6 picks up a packet of condoms jumping up and down waving them singing condoms.

Not as bad as most of these - DD1 (aged 4) instructed 'not to go out of the gate" at the playground, whilst I sorted out baby DD2. Look round to find her out of the park & halfway across the playing fields. On being interrogated she informed me proudly "she hadn't gone out of the gate but had climbed over the fence!"

Friend's DD2 disappeared from her DD1's school playground - she was less than 5. Much searching & proper panicking later, she gets a phone call from the neighbour to say Do 2 is sitting on their doorstep. Turns out she'd got bored of waiting for her mum to stop talking to DD1's teacher & walked home.

irememberedicod

ah yes a chocolate nose bleed had with with Ds when he was about 4 and had been given smarties for easter

Took a soiled nappy out of the nappy bin and painted a mural on the wall.

My niece painted a sofa with shaving foam, tooth paste and shower gel.

DD aged about 18m, left her in her room while I popped some washing away, came back to find her, the carpet and her hair covered in sudocrem.
Age 3- I ran upstairs for a wee, left her colouring. Was gone 2 mins. Came back and she'd turned herself into a cat.
In the summer we had the potty in the garden, it has an inner bit you empty. She'd done a wee so I went in to empty it, was just coming back down when I heard 'mummy im done' got back down and she'd sat on the potty and pooed- very proud but it was on the patio!!

Trying to go to sleep but now slightly hysterical snorting reading these.

My DD was 7 and a BM so was very excited to be sitting on the top table with all the other VIP's. Not so thrilled when she threw up all over the table, her dress, her hair during the speeches. I could only watch in slow motion as I was on a different table looking on in horror. Put everyone off their trifle.

DD again threw a tantrum in the Summer Holidays before she went into YR2. It was a stupendous code red tantrum, outside Waterstones at Bluewater (hadn't had a tantrum for years and it was like I had completely forgotten how to deal with it)....it quickly escalated to the point of her hanging onto the Costa coffee A board whilst I was trying to pull her off through gritted teeth......'letttttttt gooooo this instant'. In the end I plonked myself down with DS and let her go for it. 10 minutes later we were back on track and carrying on our day. Fast forward to September YR2 and in she ran to see her new Teacher who asked her if she had a nice Summer. Yes DD replied. New teacher looked at us both with a wink and said that she saw us at Bluewater over the holidays but we were a little busy at the book shop.

DS was a fast mover crawling and I stupidly left the stair gate open just as I whizzed downstairs to let the dog out. He crawled up the stairs (I'd taken him down with me) to find the top gate locked, must of pulled himself up and tumble backwards. Now I've realised he has gone and as I reach the stairs he is already tumbling and lands on our hard floors but instantly goes to get into crawling postion but head butts the side table...spent a nice morning at A&E. He didn't have a bruise on him. He is made of breezeblock that boy.

There has to be millions more.

Oh DD again. Scootering down the alley which is on an incline that the kids do all the time, no problem. I still can't get how she did it but came off the scooter and slammed into the wall. There isn't much room so how she got the speed up to make such a mess. And she is such a sensible little thing who hates plasters, creams, wipes....anything so this was her worst nightmare. Face, shoulder, elbow, stomach, hands, thigh, knees, top of her foot where her trainer stopped....all scuffed to shite and full of gravel. Took forever to clean up but she wore those scabs well!

Aged about 3, my DB covered himself in some of my make up - lipstick all over his face, that kind of thing.

My poor Mum grabbed what she thought was body lotion and liberally applied it to his face, and was trying to wipe it off and wondering why it seemed to be getting worse, not better. She wasn't to know I had decanted PVA glue into an old body lotion bottle to take into school for a project.

I was almost crying laughing trying to help her scrub it off.

....anyone know how to get biro out of a cream sofa...? 😕

My eldest dd (aged 8) shat in a bowl, and left it in the bathroom cupboard for me to find. She said she had been caught short in her bedroom and couldn't make it the two steps to the bathroom which is opposite her room.

I'm going to start saying "don't piss in a glass and tell me it's lemonade".

DSS gave DD chocolate when she was a baby. She got it everywhere, then he cleaned her......with furniture polish.

Made gravy. He put gravy granules in the kettle, filled it with water, and away you go.

Made jammy toast. Buttered his bread, spread jam on it, popped it in the toaster and turned it on.

I have tons of these!

I am actually crying in laughter at some of these and am only on page 2

DSS smashed a glass table when he couldn't get his own way...

Smashed a window when he couldn't get his own way...

Put his foot through the glass panel of a school door because he felt like it...

Hacked school firewall to send dick pics around the entire school network because a teacher pissed him off.

In fairness, he was dx'ed with SN at 17. SNs that were apparent from a young age. We were and still aren't very happy about it.

I was in the Co-op toilets with my DDs one day when a very elderly lady entered. They chatted to her for a while, and when we left the toilets DD1 says: 'That was a nice old lady'. 15 Minutes later, just as we're walking past a shop assistant on a ladder stocking shelves, DD says, at the top of her voice and looking directly at the assistant: 'Mommy, that lady is going to die soon!'. She obviously meant the old lady in the toilet, but the assistant choked, went deathly white and almost fell off the ladder. It took a bit of explaining lol. Poor lady must've had to go sit down with a sweet cuppa afterwards.

My DS, who was 13 at the time, was into computers and loved fixing things. I'd put my work computer into my bedroom cupboard thinking it would be safe as I had a couple of weeks off work and didn't want DC playing with it, wellehenit came to do some work my laptop was gone. I asked DH who had no idea where it was and DS who said I must have sold it. I searched everywhere for it, it got to a point where I actually questioned if I had sold it or maybe never had in the first place. Anyways I ended up buying a new one,cried over all the work lost and a few months later decided to do a major clean of DS's bedroom and lo and behold I found my laptop in a unused chest of drawers completely taken apart!!! It took everything I had not to react the way I really wanted to.
When he was eight his two year old sister asked him to open a button battery operated toy for him (which needed a screwdriver) he obliged which resulted a night in hospital waiting for a battery to pass and then another day (a few days later) because her poop was grey/green!
Anyone would think I don't watch my DC but when you have an ADHD, autistic child it's bloody hard!!

I switched my mum's curling tongs and left them. They woke up to a melted carpet and smoke (probably toxic) in their room. To this day she blames herself. She even replaced my lightly singed 101 Dalmatians towel that had been nearby.

I thought about confessing on my wedding day and after each D.C. was born but I don't dare. I'm sure she won't be that bothered anymore but it's 20 years of deceit.

My kids haven't done anything too awful, although like to poo in the "emergency potty" that's in the back of the car. Many a time I've had to take a turd home in a carrier bag following an unexpected lay-by shit.

I don't think my ds has done anything really stupid at home.

However, he did put a drinking straw up his nose (a small section of one, they had been cut into sections for a craft activity) when he was at nursery. He was about 3. That was the one and only time we've been to A&E with him as the GP/nurse told us to go there to get it removed.

And he vaulted a Wendy House at his childminders when he was about 9. He was very lucky not to break his arm.

Oh - he did do something at home - headbutted the metal bar on the side of the bath on his 2nd birthday and nearly broke his nose! In fact he had a series of minor accidents on his birthdays and my childminder jokingly said she didn't want to have him at her place on his birthday.

But nothing like peeing in the fireplace etc or removing nappies or drawing on the walls etc.

I on the other hand managed to variously eat a tin of tacks, staple my fingers together and other stuff before school-age.

pissed on the bedroom windowsill made me