To think it's ok for a newborn to cry?

[Refluxsux]

Baby is 7 weeks old and has silent reflux treated with Ranitidine. Late afternoon/early evening are his worst times which happen to coincide with the only time I get to be with my older son after school. I've been letting the older child watch wayyyy too much tv to get us through while I endlessly feed/jiggle/do squats/use white noise etc to try and settle the baby. If I persist with going up and down the stairs for about 20 minutes I can usually get him to nod off but it's killing my knees. So tonight I could tell he just needed to sleep so I popped him in the bouncy chair put the white noise on and let him scream for five minutes. I stayed with him and stroked his face (not that he noticed!) but I didn't pick him up. After five awful minutes I picked him up and gave him a cuddle and he fell asleep almost immediately and I could put him back in the bouncy chair. Am I being awful to him? I'm just so tired and my older child is so fed up. He almost seemed to need to scream for a few minutes before he could calm down or am I being dilusional?

If you were with him stroking his face I don't think you're being awful! He knew you were there. I can't condone people shutting the door and leaving babies to cry but I don't see that you've done anything wrong here. It's tough. My daughter was similar and I remember feeling deliriously tired. Is dad around to help you? I know it gets suggested all the time but I started using a wrap for my daughter when she was about 5 weeks old and it was amazing. I was suddenly able to soothe her and hang out with my then 3 year old. It's just trial and error to see what helps you both.

DH comes does help and walks the baby for hours even though he's shattered but he doesn't get in until 7 most nights. I have two carriers and he's not a fan of either. Neither is a wrap though. Worth trying?

Please don't leave him to cry like that. It is unbelieveably stressful for him. I know it's stressful and incredibly wearing for you but he really just needs you to comfort him.

No, it's really not beneficial for such a young baby to scream without being comforted. I get that sometimes we do less than optimal things with our children as we get desperate but don't try to persuade yourself that it was beneficial in any way. He slept when you picked him up because he was exhausted from crying and emotionally drained I expect.

Try a sling if you haven't already. One of the ethnic style wrap ones. My dd had colic and screamed for hours a day (I held her through the screaming and it made no difference). The sling helped a lot though because it gave me my arms back. She was more comforted when she was on me (didn't stop the crying but it helped). Good luck x

Op did comfort him Poldark

YANBU.

DD had terrible reflux and colic. She screamed for 12 weeks. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Please don't think it's cruel.

I will get flamed for this - but it's perfectly fine for a baby to cry for 7 weeks.

Virtually everyone our age was left to cry - I know I certainly was. What damage is it meant to have done to me?

Were you left to cry?

Don't oh him upstairs, keep him downstairs with you and your son. I made that mistake with my first and spent ages upstairs trying to settle a refux baby. DS on the other hand stayed down stairs with us and slept on us in pram/bounce what ever he needed until he could settle easily himself. It was way less stressful and we could watch TV of he want crying to much.

Obv I meant Cry for 5 mins not 7 weeks.

Colic/reflux cries are very different to nor.sl baby cries. Unless you Have had a baby with either it really is hard to understand just how constant the crying is and nothing works. At times, I'd have to put my dd down and walk away for a minute or two to See my sanity. This was guided by advice from the crysis helpline. Put the baby somewhere safe, go into a different room and collect yourself. Do not second guess yourself. Do try a wrap though.

Save my sanity^

I wouldn't have, five minutes is a very long time to a child in distress.

All sorts of attachment issues can arise from babies being left to cry. A baby doesn't need to scream to settle.

Bless you, dd1 had reflux and the cries were awful. I ended up with severe pnd. 5 minutes of crying isn't going to do any lasting damage. I hope he settles soon.

He almost seemed to need to scream for a few minutes before he could calm down or am I being delusional?

Yes, sorry. But I do get why you need to believe that. I do. I know how hard this is. The thing is, you didn't even get a break whilst he cried as you were still right there stroking him and hearing him cry. That wont have been stress free for you either! No-one benefitted from what happened.

I second trying a few wraps. There are also some different holds you can try which may help with his discomfort.

My baby often cried in my arms before sleep - he hated going to sleep and tried to fight it with all his power.
Those who say "a baby doesn't need to cry" just haven't met one who does!
I nearly drove myself mad with guilt when I read "just cuddle him" advice because it just didn't work. Cuddling stimulated him and made him more want to be awake.
So long as you're with your baby and he knows you're there then you just need to work out what works best for him - there's no one rule for all babies.

Very unmunsnetty hugs.

Ds3 had silent reflux. I spent a lot of time, walking/ rocking/ jiggling to try and soothe him. It's really hard and you have my sympathy, I completely understand why you did what you did.

Is it a good idea to do all the time? No. Small babies' brains can't deal with the stress themselves and need your help. Google babies crying and cortisol.

I'd also suggest a sling. But also look at your diet if your breastfeeding. Cutting out dairy made a huge difference to my son.

Good luck

The problem here is that by saying that a small baby 'needs you to do something' or 'needs you to comfort them' is that there are those of us who have had colicky or reflux babies who have walked the floors for hours on end with a baby that screams no matter what you do. Holding the baby, singing, trying to feed, walking up and down does very little. It just gives you something to do in the hope that it will work. It is not the same as neglecting a baby's needs.

I've tried tiger in a tree hold which sometimes works for a little. I have a ring sling and a soft structured carrier but he only likes those if I keep climbing the stairs or walk very fast outside. Would a wrap be very different to the two carriers I have? Ive spent so much money on things that he was suppose to like! Hates the swing and even the car seat.

Can the pp point to the research on attachment issues and crying? I'm genuinely interested as I've never found anything unless it was using children in obviously neglectful situations. Is it really so different to let him scream in my arms than next to me in the seat? I find it far more stressful to have him flailing and screaming while on me than next to me. I suppose I'm trying to balance what I need in here too so I don't go down the rabbit hole of PND again. My older child is getting practically nothing from me because I spend the whole time trying to soothe the baby. I obviously love them both and am struggling with always putting the baby first because it means the older child is just sat in front of the tv.

Op, reflux is the devil, and I empathise with your situation!
Dd had reflux as a newborn, and my ds was only 15 months old when she was born. I didn't know which end was up! I did occasionally had to put her down for 5 mins when she was crying, or I would have lost my mind. The sling was a saviour...it allowed her to be close to me, and it kept her slightly upright, which was much more comfortable for her. I then had my hands free for ds...so both were happy.
I hope you are able to have breaks to look after yourself...it really won't last forever. Dd is 8 now...and really lovely, so the crying for a few minutes didn't affect her at all!

Do what you need to ensure everyone in your family has their needs met, your eldest child will be more sensitive to having no one:one time than the baby crying. As pp said, we would have all been left to cry and not all suffering long term damage.

for you op it's bloody difficult.

My dd1 screamed herself to sleep whether she was in my arms or not so I chose the put her down method. She's 8 now and certainly doesn't have any attachment issues.

I hadn't a reflux baby and an older toddler with autism. It very nearly broke me. The crying was just relentless - buggy, car, bouncer, sling, my arms - didn't make any difference. Omeprazole really worked for us where ranitidine didn't so if he's still very agitated then worth going back to ask for different meds. And don't have TV guilt. My older child spent whole days glued to the iPad while the baby and I paced around with both of us crying. Ive genuinely blocked that whole period of my life out of my brain and can't even look at photos from that time without feeling sick. Reflux is the worst.

Had a reflux baby

OP would it be possible to hire a newborn nanny for an afternoon or two each week? Your older DS isn't getting the benefit of those 5 minutes that you let baby cry, you weren't with him and 5 minutes just isn't long enough for any quality time, especiallly with a baby screaming beside you. realistically you can't leave baby to cry any longer than that either. If you had a nanny who could deal with baby for an hour or two a couple of afternoons it would give you a proper break and a chance to spend quality time with older DS.