To think it's ok for a newborn to cry?

[Refluxsux]

Baby is 7 weeks old and has silent reflux treated with Ranitidine. Late afternoon/early evening are his worst times which happen to coincide with the only time I get to be with my older son after school. I've been letting the older child watch wayyyy too much tv to get us through while I endlessly feed/jiggle/do squats/use white noise etc to try and settle the baby. If I persist with going up and down the stairs for about 20 minutes I can usually get him to nod off but it's killing my knees. So tonight I could tell he just needed to sleep so I popped him in the bouncy chair put the white noise on and let him scream for five minutes. I stayed with him and stroked his face (not that he noticed!) but I didn't pick him up. After five awful minutes I picked him up and gave him a cuddle and he fell asleep almost immediately and I could put him back in the bouncy chair. Am I being awful to him? I'm just so tired and my older child is so fed up. He almost seemed to need to scream for a few minutes before he could calm down or am I being dilusional?

Oops, one : one not :o

You won't find any research about attachment issues and leaving a baby to cry for 5 minutes. No harm whatsoever will be done to a baby in a loving household from being left to cry for a short while every now and then. You just have to do your best and try and get through it. My dd screamed for an hour or so every night at 5 ish and it was utterly soul destroying. I found the Caboo Close very useful and used it a lot as I also had ds who was 19 months at the time and at least it meant my arms were free.

All sorts of attachment issues can arise from babies being left to cry. A baby doesn't need to scream to settle

Could you link me to the evidence for this please, Sheldon?

There's a MASSIVE difference between a baby being left to cry alone and being held/comforted whilst crying.
Silent reflux is an utter twat. DS3 had it and despite being constantly carried in a sling, co-sleeping, white noise, being marched up and down etc. still spent a hell of a lot of time crying.

Things got better around 6 months, it was fucking awful though.
I'll try and link some articles about the differences to baby's brain/body whilst crying on own vs crying whilst held.
Hang in there love.

Two of my babies were screamers with colic. And I'm a breastfeeding peer supporter and a sling peer supporter with a gazillion slings. Nothing helped. They screamed for hours every afternoon and evening - but always in my arms or in a sling or someone else's arms. I figured screaming in a sling was better than screaming alone. Apart from when I was beyond my tether and hat to put them somewhere safe to gather my nerves before I did something stupid.

Anyway. Turns out both screamers were dairy intolerant, and it improved as soon as I gave up dairy and soya. Within 3 days both times.

No judgement OP, you're doing everything you can to make it work and should be pitied, not blamed.

I've heard positive things about this if it's something you're interested in....

www.babocush.com

My twins were like this it was awful, if you're bottle feeding SMA stay down was wonderful and made a world of difference.

5 minutes of crying is absolutely fine. You were nearby, comforting him and did him no harm whatsoever. Don't pay any attention to people who are linking this type of situation with attachment issues. You've done fine!

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out

Mine did about 6 hours constant screaming every afternoon-evening at its worst. Dd1 once screamed from 5pm to 3am with barely a pause for breath. Unfortunately that time we did have to leave her to cry for the odd minute or two as it gets to you soooo much, and unfortunately I got a glimpse into understanding why people shake their babies. I didn't, put her down and walked away for a bit instead, but I understood. So actually sometimes, it is the best thing to do to leave them to cry for a couple of minutes.

Op I wouldn't even post on MN about this, you do what's right for your family and you. #1 most important thing is mum's mental health.

And if we're going to get scientific about it there is no reliable evidence to suggest that leaving a baby to cry harms them, however many "articles" people cut and paste at you.

Hide the thread and do what is best for you

Have you got a bouncer? A proper bouncy bouncer not one of the more expensive swing or vibrating ones. I found putting dd in the bouncer and bouncing her up and down quickly helped too. Attachment disorder is linked to neglect, not colic. Colicky babies scream irregardless of how attentive you are. The amount of people who patronisingly said 'give her here!' only to hand her back 10 minutes later still screaming with their 'magic solution' having failed. It was particularly satisfying and showing mil what colic was because her opinion was 'all babies cry' and that they just needed a cuddle!

www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/newborns/case-against-ferber-sleep

Whatsername - yeah we had that as well! so funny.... And also the people who said you "just need a good bedtime routine" when I mentioned she only ever slept in 45minute bursts, and I was on my knees and hallucinating

Colic is not the same as letting a non colicky baby cry it out! Not even the same issue.

I don't think so. When my lo needs to sleep we have always taken him up and put him in the crib, later cot (he has only ever slept upstairs, even during the day), and left him alone to settle down. Yes he cried or moaned for a few minutes, but he always settled down by himself within that time.
Also what if you are home alone? You can't always get to a baby the very second they cry.

I have worked in child psychology have 3 healthy and happy children. At some point, they were all left to cry. There comes a point when you had comfort fed them, bounced them, cuddled them, pushed them in a buggy, had them clawing at you whilst in a sling, when you look at your bored, frustrated sad little older child and think: enough is enough. I have left the baby to cry in a different room whilst I've taken 5 to read a story, set up an activity or just have a little chat with my other children. There are some questionable and unquantative links between attachment issues and prolonged bouts of crying when no needs of the child are being met, but we aren't talking about that are we? And certainly, your sanity, and the effects of a lack of attention on the older child are significant factors to be considered. In short, I think brief periods of crying are fine.

Op I feel for you, my baby used to cry for almost two hours straight in the early evening. It stopped around 6-8 weeks old I'm sure (he's now 4 months and a total delight to be around). I never left him to cry, we would pace the floor with him, but I don't have an older dc to think of.
Look up PURPLE crying.

Sorry I can't offer any more practical advice.

Yeah, colic is its own special hell and can't be compared with sleep training.

I coslept with dd for that very reason Name! It was the only way she would sleep for longer than 20 minutes.

please please don't worry about attachment problems after leaving your baby to cry for 5 minutes while you stroked his face and reassured him....
attachment issues arise due to neglect not loving parents doing their best!

and don't clink on the links either - Clangers I'm not sure OP was asking anything about sleep training?!

I also had one that screamed for 6/7 hrs a day for about 8 weeks. Nothing I did consoled her. The only thing my Health Visitor could advise was to keep her asleep as much as possible as it was the only time she didn't cry. It helped!

OP. Do what you need to do to stay sane.

Sorry I have no experience of reflux OP but was going to post to suggest one of the slings I have (on DC3 now and they all loved it when they were tiny), so might be worth a try ? Especially if you can borrow from a sling library first.

This is the link

www.storchenwiege.com/apps/photos/photo?photoid=148801701

Also the Babocush mentioned above looks amazing !!!! :)

DD had silent reflux so I do sympathise. I would however suggest not using the bouncy chair, or a baby swing, as they can cause the reflux to get worse. It's something to do with the angle that puts pressure on the stomach (similar to them lying completely flat).

I found that DD's crying episodes got much, much better when I bought cot wedge pillows for her cot and pram and just lay her in them rather than lay her flat or put her in a bouncy chair.

All sorts of attachment issues can arise from babies being left to cry.

I am sorry, but this is nonsense. A baby being left to cry for 5 minutes, whilst mum is stroking their face is not going to have any attachment issues. Leaving babies/children to cry constantly is another matter but no one is suggesting that. However, leaving a baby or toddler to cry for a few minutes here and there will not cause any attachment problems.

I work in CAMHS, (Child and adolescent mental health) with children/teens who have attachment problems. These are caused by severe neglect and abuse. Leaving a child to cry for a few minutes in the context of an otherwise loving home environment is not going to do any lasting damage.