To think it's ok for a newborn to cry?

[Refluxsux]

Baby is 7 weeks old and has silent reflux treated with Ranitidine. Late afternoon/early evening are his worst times which happen to coincide with the only time I get to be with my older son after school. I've been letting the older child watch wayyyy too much tv to get us through while I endlessly feed/jiggle/do squats/use white noise etc to try and settle the baby. If I persist with going up and down the stairs for about 20 minutes I can usually get him to nod off but it's killing my knees. So tonight I could tell he just needed to sleep so I popped him in the bouncy chair put the white noise on and let him scream for five minutes. I stayed with him and stroked his face (not that he noticed!) but I didn't pick him up. After five awful minutes I picked him up and gave him a cuddle and he fell asleep almost immediately and I could put him back in the bouncy chair. Am I being awful to him? I'm just so tired and my older child is so fed up. He almost seemed to need to scream for a few minutes before he could calm down or am I being dilusional?

Thank you for all the ideas and information. The five minutes screaming then led to a nap not in my arm for an entire 45 minutes which meant I actually had a hot cup of tea and sat next to my older child while we watched some program on CBeebies. It wasn't much but he was so thrilled for me to be present. He keeps crying and saying how much he misses me.

If I let the baby howl on me in the sling my older boy runs away because he can't stand the sound. So it's not just a question of getting my hands free.

Perhaps omeprazole is the next thing to try. I am EBF and have been dairy/soy/egg free for 5 weeks. He is clearly trying to comfort himself. He's doubled his birthweight already! The only other solution I can think of is formula but I don't want to make things worse for him nor do I really want to give up the benefits of six months EBF. Everything I read says formula makes it worse not better but not having to feed him multiple times an hour would be a huge improvement.

I know you've asked for opinions but they will (and have been) so divisive.

If you feel it's right for your baby and you, you are probably right. Let your instincts guide you as to what's acceptable for your baby. They are so different and you are clearly a good caring mother.

Please lose the TV guilt.

If your older child has been at school or day and gets a bed time story from you or DH he will be fine if he watches TV for a few hours in between.

Ds2 had to be put in his cot to cry for 5 minutes before he'd go to sleep. It took a lot of very over tired screaming whilst in my arms/being rocked/ the sling before I realised this. Being held can be very overstimulating for some babies.

(Ds2 is now 8 and unscathed btw).

Ok if you're already dairy/soy/egg free the other thing I suggest is look at overstimulation.
Is your dd better if you have a really really boring quiet day at her home with her mostly in the sling? If that helps you might be able to reintroduce egg/soy etc back in.

It was 5 minutes you were there to soothe him what do people think of the bouncing rocking of a distressed baby ? It is the same thing if a child is crying it is upset even you are clutching them to your busom or shushing them on a bouncy chair. Your baby will not have abandonment or attachment issuses because of 4/5 minute crying

Dd used to cry in my fucking arms!! For ages as well. And yeah she prolly did fall asleep because she was exhausted from the crying. However so was I,my back was shot,plus the emotional drain of hearing/feeling your baby cry. There were days when she cried and I cried too. Fucking whoopdedoo what a super mum i was.Attachment issues my ass,if i could go back in time I would just put her down and not feel guilty about it for a second.

DD is now 10 months and lanzoprazole saved me. Honestly. It changed everything.

As for attachment issues she's the most loving, attached baby possible. I really disagree with PP.

Unless you've been through reflux and CMPA you don't know how horrific it is.

Formula won't help. I had to use it because of the lactation issues and it made no difference x

OP you are doing a great job - please don't worry - you are obviously a loving mum doing your best for BOTH your children

it WILL pass - until them what ever get's you through - do that!

FFS, people guilt tripping the OP because she was stroking her baby's cheek for 5 mins instead of pacing up and downstairs?

There are three people here that need looking after - the baby, the older child and the mother. Sometimes it's impossible to achieve all three things at once and although the baby will often be the priority it can't always be the case.

At her peak my first cried 13 hours in every 24 (I kept a diary) and was inconsolable no matter what sling etc I tried. I was told by crysis that taking 5 minutes every couple of hours by putting baby somewhere safe. Making a cup of tea or taking a few breaths outside was their recommendation to help mums deal with the stress and I used to do it twice a day. It honestly saved my sanity and stopped me from leaving through the door and not coming back.

Only 5 minutes while you are there shushing and face-stroking is fine. You are comforting him.

My only other suggestions are a dummy and one of those electric swings set the full motion!

No it is never 'good' for a newborn to cry but Yes you have to do what's best for your family.
My views: don't give up on EBF (and continue bf past 6months and more if u can), try a sling, try to rule out any other dietary issue or medical issue. It's hard but hopefully things will settle in time, it's still very early days! Just continue to do the best you can.

Is it really so different to let him scream in my arms than next to me in the seat?

No, it really isn't. I think what you did was absolutely fine.

sounds to me like a touch of colic too, my three were all colicky babies and teatime is the classic time to erupt, used to drive me crazy but they would always settle in the activity swing, so i did that. As for alowing a baby to cry, try reading the science of parenting, it has great information about the effects of cortisol on the brains of infants. The impact of high cortisol levels which are created by stress can be enormous and devestating. So no don't let the baby cry, if you can help it of course... all of the cuddles and strokes may be OVER stimulating him, he may just need a dark, quite room and a swing.

A friend of mine is a scientist, when she had her LO she looked extensively at actual proper research on stress levels and crying and found that there wasn't really anything particularly saying it was bad. There are many 'studies' done but not much that held any validity.

My personal opinion is that if a child is lovingly cared for then crying to sleep sometimes (and then getting the benefits of proper sleep) then they'll be fine. In cases of attachment issues, it won't be just from crying at sleep time sometimes.

Do what you need to do to get you all through.

The baby will be fine, 5mins of crying whilst being comforted in one way (parent close, stroking face) before sleeping sounds preferable to two hours of both baby and parent's discomfort jiggling up and down stairs. Do what works.

OP hugs and and no guilt tripping from me. If you try reading studies about babies and crying and cortisol in the crunchy parenting books you soon realise there aren't many and they aren't very good.

My ds cried all the time. It took me till about 4 months to leave him to it, at all. Even then it was only for a few minutes. I wish I had done what you did. As you've said, he could have been screaming in a sling with the toddler going nuts, or he could have cried a short time with you stroking him. The fact he slept afterwards speaks volumes. I bet everyone was happier after that nap. Your stress levels matter, too.

My first baby had reflux and screamed a lot. She also had major difficulties getting to sleep. In desperation we put her down in a quiet dark room where she cried for a few minutes then nodded off. We had to go through this for months. Turns out she had aspergers and sensory processing disorder so all the rocking, bouncing, white noise and lullabies were winding her up in to a frenzy.

I felt bloody awful about it but aged 9 she is very well attached with fantastic social skills for an autistic child.

Second baby wouldn't be put down at all and I was happy to carry her because she wasn't screaming in my face for hours.

My dd is nearly 6 months and has silent reflux. The only thing that worked for us was getting an OUtWARD facing carrier. She had a really strong neck (I recently learned that a lot of reflux babies do!) and obviously I kept a very close eye on her but she was in it from about 6 weeks, way earlier than she was supposed to be. She just had to see what was going on and also not be near my boobs as that just made her want food all the time. Go back to the gp as there are a variety of medicines. There's a great Facebook group - living with reflux, or something like that. She hated her pram, car, lying down, basically she only liked being swung around vertically and that just is not physically possible all day long. The cry scream just goes right through you.

Oh yes someone else has mentioned cow's milk protein allergy. My dd has that along with the silent reflux (very common to have both). Please do look into that. My dd is still not easy but so much better since I gave up all dairy and we got her reflux meds sorted. Although she seems to be getting worse again so I'm going to go back to the gp and see if her meds need changing.

My child had reflux and it was awful. Sometimes I was so exhausted I had to lay on the bed with my baby in my arms and let them cry themselves to sleep. Fucking terrible experience.

OP

I remember doing that as well.FruitCider

Oh, and using ear defenders to block out some of the screaming